Monday's Marriage Moment -- It's Going to be Alright!

It's going to be alright. Every now and then you simply need someone to tell you that is going to be alright. They may not have the answer, but just hearing those words can provide some sense of comfort. That's how I felt this weekend when John and I received some challenging news. It wasn't the type of news that rocks you to your core like someone's death or hospitalization, but it was the kind of news that makes you anxious or worried. The kind of news that shatters your plans and reminds you that you really aren't in control.

I think this is why God gave us marriage. He knew that life was going to throw you curve balls. He knew that sometimes it is just hard, and He knew that you needed a person to go through it with you. Yes, He has given us great friends, and they have their place, but there are some things that only the one intimate with you can share. He knew that there would be some mountains that you had to climb together. He knew that there would be battles that would require you to stand in partnership to fight. The bible says this in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12:

Two are better than one,

Because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

For he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;

But how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.

And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

In marriage, we get to help each other through. When I am weak, John is strong and vice versa. The beautiful thing is that we don't have to do this alone. We don't have to walk through the darkness by ourselves. So, this weekend I experienced the beauty of not having to carry the load by myself. Where in years past I would have gone into panic mode, I rested. I leaned on the man that God has given me. Yes, I know the word. Yes, I have a wonderful relationship with God through Christ. But God provided me what I needed through my husband this time. I asked him one simple question: Is it going to be alright? His response was also simple: It's going to be alright. He didn't judge me. He didn't question my faith. He didn't remind me that I am an ordained elder or the founder of Believing Wives. He provided me a safe place to just have a moment. He simply assured me. For now, that is enough. 

I believe the words God used my husband to tell me. I am not worried or anxious. I am trusting. It is my prayer not only that your husband provides comfort and assurance to you, but I pray that you provide comfort and assurance for him. Make your marriage a safe place where you can have open and honest conversation about your challenges and fears as well as your triumphs and victories. I pray that you take advantage of any opportunity God gives you this week to demonstrate that it's going to be absolutely alright. 

Monday's Marriage Moment -- The Purge

I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
-John 15:1 - 4

I am happily on Spring Break this week, and though I would love to be on the beach feeling a gentle breeze and gazing at the beautiful water, I am at home. My children are on different schedules, so I am getting much needed rest and relaxation right here in the Bull City. As I sit here, fighting some type of cold or flu virus, I am feeling an overwhelming urge to purge. Maybe it is because the seasons have changed, or maybe it is because it is the first time I have gotten the opportunity to do so since Christmas break. Either way, it is time to get rid of some old stuff and make room for the new. Quite naturally, there are clothes and trinkets that have over-stayed their usefulness, but today I feel that God wants to purge more than my closets.

Purge means to get rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; to cleanse; to purify. God is leading me to purge some old habits, attitudes, and even old ways of doing things. There are some things in me or concerning me that are no longer desirable. Maybe they had purpose years ago, but they are ineffective now. I have to be wise enough and brave enough to let them go. He is leading me into new adventures in ministry (and life), and that is going to require me to do things differently. As more time is used to study, write, and prepare for ministry, I have to eliminate things that have previously taken my time. I also have to make sure that my husband, family, and loved ones know that they are still the priority. I am sure that God is leading you into new things as well, are there things that He is asking you to lay aside so that you can be free to serve Him fully?

I have found one of the most effective means God uses to get my attention is my husband. I can tell from his actions, words, and behavior when I need to adapt and adjust. I have to listen when he makes comments on my behavior. I have to learn from his nonverbal cues. I have to engage in real conversation with him and be prepared for his input. Sometimes he lets me know that I need to get rid of a negative attitude or selfishness. Sometimes he tells me I need to refine my words. I have to trust that he says those things for my good, and that I will be better if I take heed to them.

Are there things in your spiritual life that you need to purge? Could God be using this time to empty you of some things that are unwanted or undesirable? Is He using your spouse or someone close to you to purify you? I encourage you to let the Master Vinedresser take away everything in you that is not bearing fruit so that ultimately you can be more productive!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Shelter in Place!

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” 
-Psalm 91:1-2

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning thinking about the things I need to accomplish this week, and I heard these words in my head: shelter in place. That phrase may not have any meaning for you, but as a public school educator for over 15 years those words have great value for me. See, in April 1999, students at Columbine High School initiated an attack on students and teachers that made that phrase have meaning. Their attack shocked the world. The education system went into high alert, and we developed procedures and systems to protect our children and staff if they ever came under attack. If ever there is an outside threat (be it a person or severe weather), we have to go into what is called "lock down". We have to close and lock our doors, cover and close our windows, hide or get out of any lines of sights, and remain perfectly quiet. We also call this "shelter in place". That means stop where you are and do the things I mentioned immediately.

Some of us are under real attack right now. We are feeling the threat of an outside intruder. You may be overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, or sick. The enemy has an arsenal equipped with ways to attack us. I encourage you to shelter in place! Perhaps you need to find a room and lock the door, close the blinds, and get away from the windows. Remove yourself from his line of sight! Get away from the hustle and bustle and demands of the world, and have an old fashioned shut-in even if it is just for a few minutes. Jesus had to take time away from the needs of the world and the disciples, so certainly we need to as well. Then you need to be quiet. There is so much noise in our world that sometimes we become distracted, but I want to encourage you to find time to simply be quiet before the Lord. Turn off the phone. Turn off the TV. Go into your closet if you have to, but make the time to be still and quiet. As the author of Psalm 46 said, "Be still and know that I am God". Quiet your mind and soul and know that God is going to keep and protect you.

God has a place of safety for you. In Psalm 91, He invites you to dwell in the secret place with Him. The secret place is not a physical place, but it is your place of prayer and devotion to Him. It's your quiet place. It is where you lock down with Him knowing that He is your refuge and fortress. He will protect you from whatever attack is coming against you, your family, your marriage, your finances, and any other assault that the enemy has in mind. Read the entire chapter of Psalm 91. In it God promises deliverance, protection, shelter, promotion, and salvation. He will give you what you need to survive the attack.

I am sounding the alarm! It is time to lock down! Shelter in place!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Believe Again!

 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” -Mark 9:24

The Christian life is rooted in faith. Actually, it's really all about faith. You have to believe without having the physical proof. Most, if not all, of us would say that we get that. We believe that Jesus is the son of God. We believe that He was sent to the world to save us. We believe that we will go to heaven because we have made Him Lord and Savior of our lives. We have the principles of faith pretty much secured. The problem comes in when we have to believe God in our personal lives; when we have to believe Him to turn our situations around, fix our marriages, or save our loved ones. It's often easier to believe God for someone else than it is to believe Him for ourselves. The truth is that we know God can do it, but if we are honest there are times that we struggle to believe that He will do it. We have seen Him do things for others, but will He do it for us? Will He repair the breaches in our marriages? Will He save our unsaved loved ones? Will He mend our broken hearts? Will He use us to minister the gospel? Will He prosper our lives?

The truth is struggling with unbelief is not new. In Mark 9, a desperate father brings his son to the disciples for healing. The son is deaf and mute. He has seizures and for lack of a better word, "fits". This father has to be at his wit's end. There are not many pains greater than seeing your child suffer and knowing there is nothing you can do to fix it. So, the father brings the son to the disciples. He knows that they have walked with Jesus, and I am sure he is thinking that they can help. Sadly, they could not. Can you imagine the doubt that gripped him? Certainly, he began to think things were hopeless at this point. I know he did because in his conversation with Jesus he says "if you can do anything". This is not the phrase of someone with complete confidence and trust. Jesus says these powerful  to him: if you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes. I love this! The father doesn't respond with a deep or spiritual answer. He doesn't say, "Of course, Master. I totally believe you". Quite the contrary, the father is completely honest. He says, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief". I think he was saying, "Lord, I believe you. I know who you are and what you are capable of doing, but I have been through so much I am struggling. Help me to believe again". I think that Jesus loves it when we are completely honest with Him even if our answers are not "churchy" or pretty.

Do you know what Jesus did? He healed the man's son. He helped that father to believe again. I believe that He wants to do the same for you. Maybe there was a time that you stood on God's word in an area, but now you are struggling to believe that it is going to happen for you. Perhaps you have tried many things and been to many people -- well meaning people, maybe even people who walked with God like the disciples did. Can I ask you to follow the pattern of this father and take your concern directly to the father? Then tell him honestly that you are struggling to believe. He will help you to believe again! Recall every promise He spoke over your marriage -- faithfulness, unity, prosperity, covenant that reflects Him -- and believe again! Your spouse can be who God called them to be -- believe again! Your union can be a model for others to follow -- believe again! Call to mind His promises over your children and believe again! Think about His promises for your life and believe again!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- I Declare War!

Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
-1 Timothy 6:12

Marriage is under attack. Let me make it personal, your marriage is under attack. My marriage is under attack. Please don't be offended. Every godly marriage is under attack. Why? Because Satan knows that it is a reflection of Christ's relationship with the church. He knows that your godly union is powerful, and he desires to do everything he can to destroy it. So, he takes advantage of every opportunity and opening to wreak havoc. He can use a willing person -- a sweet, listening coworker who affirms you when you feel that your spouse doesn't, a guy you run into a the coffee shop every morning, or a family friend who has been there for you over the years. He can use circumstances -- financial distress, illness, or job issues. He can use unresolved issues and minor inconveniences that turn into major issues. The bottom line is that our enemy can and will use any weapon he has to attack our marriages. That doesn't mean that your marriage is headed for divorce. Divorce is not a sign of an attack. It is a result of an ongoing attack. Satan is just as pleased if you stay together and are ineffective. If you simply coexist and look the part of a happily married couple, our enemy still feels victorious. He wants you to stop talking to your spouse. He wants you to become cold and unfeeling. He wants you to give up and stop caring. If you do, you certainly won't come together to pray. You won't be a living example of Christ's unfailing love for us. You won't represent the kingdom well. Then the enemy feels like he has won. Note I said, "feels like" because he surely has not won. He gets no victory in our marriages. That's the point of this message today -- to declare war on our enemy! I want to spur you to righteous indignation today. I want you to get so mad at the enemy that you refuse to allow him any place in your marriage. I want you to see his attacks for what they are and do everything in your power to stop him dead in his tracks. I want you to grab the weapons of you warfare and fight the good fight of faith. Find out everything that God has said concerning your marriage and stand in agreement with that. When you sense an argument about to happen, diffuse it with God's word. When you sense complacency arising in your marriage stir up passion. When you sense any type of distance between you and your spouse come together quickly. Don't give the devil any room. Don't give him any opening. While you are warring for your marriage, can you take up arms for your brothers and sisters in Christ as well? Marriages are ending at an alarming rate in the body of Christ. Divorce rates are high. We are attending services, singing, and shouting and all the while people who sit next to us are succumbing to the attack of the enemy. This has got to stop. Suit up for your loved ones. Grab you battle gear and go in on their behalf! If you see them falling for Satan's tricks, warn them. If necessary, snatch them out of the enemy's hands, but by all means do something. Draw a line in the sand and determine that the enemy can go no further! I assure you that we win! I declare war!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- A Heart Like Yours

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26

I have been thinking over the last couple of weeks how amazing God is. I mean, loving me in spite of my faults -- amazing! Blessing me with a wonderful husband and children -- amazing! Filling my life with friends and loved ones -- amazing! I could go on and on, but God is truly amazing. He loves me no matter what. Doesn't that just bless you? He demonstrated this type of love to the children of Israel over and over again. He would bless them and cause them to prosper, yet they would turn to other gods. He would deliver them, and then they would complain. He would heal them, and they would forget that He was the One Who did so. Yet, no matter their disobedience, even when He had to chastise them, He loved them. That's the kind of love He has for us. He doesn't keep score or record lists of our mistakes. He doesn't give us what we deserve. He is always there for us even when we have not been there for Him. He doesn't do it so that we will love Him. He does it because He loves us. His love is perfect and unfailing. His love is not dependent on any action on our part. It is truly unconditional. Do you know that we are supposed to have that same kind of love for others? What better place to start than at home with your spouse?

In the Ezekiel 36, God desired to bless Israel, not because they had been so good (they hadn't), but because they were His. He desired to renew them because they were a reflection of Him. He knew that they could not live up to His standard by themselves. So, He makes this statement in verse 26: I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. God says, basically, I am going to give the help that you need. For us, the help we needed came in the form of the Holy Spirit. When we received salvation, the Holy Spirit came to live within us, and our heart was changed. Sometimes, however, we allow our hearts to grow cold. The cares of the world and the pressures of life cause our hearts to be calloused. Sometimes we get hurt and close off parts of ourselves promising that we will never allow that to happen again. As Ezekiel puts it, our hearts become like stone. They are rigid and hard to move. What are the signs of a hard heart? I think these are a few: being easily angered, apathetic, unfeeling, not caring about the needs of others.

Think about it: has your heart grown cold in some area? If so, God wants to soften it. He desires that you have a heart like His. He loves your spouse unconditionally. He loves you unconditionally. Take some time this week to ask God to give you His heart about your spouse. Exchange the hard places for soft ones. Let Him give you a heart like His.

Monday's Marriage Moment -- A Quick Science Lesson

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
-Genesis 2:18-25

Why did you get married? Was it because of love? Was it because you wanted to have sex and not feel guilty? Was it because you thought it was the right thing to do? There are a million reasons why people say "I do", but I wonder how many of them really line up with God's purpose for marriage. I think many couples finally get a true understanding of what marriage is, but most don't start with that knowledge. I love being married, and I love what marriage entails, but it has taken me years to begin to understand my role in marriage. It's not just cooking and cleaning and having sex. It's so much more than that. In Genesis 2:18, God desired that Adam would have a helper. So, he took a rib from the inside of Adam and placed it beside him. There was nothing already created that would do what God needed to be done. So, he creatively created woman for a unique purpose. Then He presented her to Adam. She was a gift for him. If you are a wife, you are a gift for your husband. You were created to help him. Even though you are to help him, you are not less than him. Note that this version says "comparable to him". That means equal to him. Actually, you are to help each other. You should push each other to be all that God has you to be. Too often, that is not the case. I have been guilty myself of not being the helper I should be.

Before I left home this morning, John asked me what could he do to help me. The ministry God has given me launches tomorrow, and he wanted to make sure that he helped out. See, he has a business that he is trying to grow, and instead of thinking about himself and what he needed to do, he thought about me. It blessed me and checked my spirit at the same time. Do I help him as much as he helps me? Am I as much of a blessing to him as he is to me? Am I building or tearing down? I learned in high school science that there are three types of relationships in which two different species live and interact together. The first one is mutualism: this is when both partners benefit. This is the type of relationship God designed for us. The husband and the wife should thrive together. Where one is weak the other is strong, and there union produces the best for each partner. Was I thinking about his business as much as he was thinking about my ministry? The second type of relationship is commensalism: in this relationship one partner benefits, but the other partner is not helped or harmed. This is the type of relationship where one person doesn't openly try to hurt or attack the other, but they do make sure that things work out to benefit themselves. In my example, I take care of home and try to be a good wife and mother, but am I more concerned with myself than I am with him? The last type of relationship is parasitism: You are probably familiar with this term. It is where one party benefits and the other loses. When a parasite is in a body, it grows while the body deteriorates. In a relationship, one spouse takes and never gives. Am I giving as much as I am taking? A relational parasite leads to the death of the marriage and the damage of the other spouse. What is the point of this science lesson? I want you to think about what type of relationship you have with your spouse. Are you both benefiting or is one spouse being harmed? Is it all about you or all about us? Does one party win while the other party loses? Is it mutually beneficial in one aspect but parasitic in others?  Take some time this week to review this science lesson. I pray that your relationship is mutually beneficial, and that if it isn't you will take the necessary steps to  make it so.
Blessings!