Monday's Marriage Moment -- Are You Accountable?

Only be careful that this liberty of yours [this power to choose] does not somehow become a stumbling block [that is, a temptation to sin] to the [weak in conscience].
1 Corinthians 8:9 (AMP)

We are not always right. Occasionally, we need the input and expertise of someone who knows a little more than we do and has experienced a little more. We like the support as long as the people in our circle are agreeing with us and cheering us on, but it becomes a problem when they check us or correct us. We love the cheers, but struggle with the chastisement.

So, we often shut down voices that are contrary to what we believe. We run from accountability. After all, we are free, right? Other people's opinions don't matter, do they? Who cares what they think? We are grown, right? These are the attitudes that seem predominant in our world. Yes, we are grown. Yes, we are free. However, God designed us to live in community. If you review the lives of Moses, Joshua, Paul, and Jesus you will find that they were not only accountable to God, but they were accountable to others as well. God designed us to care for each other, and if we care for each other there must be some level of accountability.

So, what does this have to do with marriage? Everything! We must be accountable to our spouses before we seek accountability elsewhere. We must be accountable for how we steward our children, our finances, and even our time together. Before we are accountable to friends, supervisors, or church leadership we must be accountable at home. We can't just leave home without letting our spouse know that we are gone. We can't spend all the money in the account and not discuss how it was spent. We can't have extramarital relationships. You are free to do all those things, but you are not free from the consequences of doing those things. Remain accountable.

Your spouse should hold you accountable, and you should hold your spouse accountable. You are in this together. Discuss the parameters of your relationship and hold each other to them. Don't fly off the handle if you are corrected or redirected. Choose the relationship over being offended, especially if you are wrong. As I mentioned earlier, we are not always right. Receive correction from your spouse who loves you and has committed to living life with you, raising children with you, and loving you unconditionally. Be accountable!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Pray Together!

Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.
-Matthew 18:19

Grab your spouse's hand. Look them in the eye and PRAY. That's right. PRAY! I know a teach often about praying for your spouse, and that is necessary and beneficial, but this morning I need to encourage you to pray with your spouse. Come together as one in that beautiful union that God created and pray! Our world needs our prayers. Our children need our prayers. Our families, finances, and future need our prayers. We can not reserve prayer to a corporate activity that we simply respond, "amen" too. It can't be only individual either. There is power in agreement, and who better to agree with than your spouse?

Why is it that some of us pray with people that we fellowship with more than we do with our spouse? Why do we ask for prayer from our friends, our pastors, and sometimes strangers, but not our spouse?
Why do we get up early or stay up late to make prayer calls, but we don't make the time to pray with the person that is laying right beside us?

We see the best in each other. We see the areas that need improvement. We literally see each other naked and unashamed. We see it all, and we still have the power and ability to stand together in agreement. This is the image that God is looking for in His church -- oneness. Use that full power and authority in oneness and pray! It doesn't have to be eloquent. It doesn't have a specified amount of time. The requirement is simply that it is sincere and directed to God.

Don't offer excuses about how spiritual you think your spouse is. Don't make judgments about their ability or desire to do so. Simply ask them to come together with you and pray. Chances are they will not refuse. Then celebrate the work that God is doing in both of you as you seek to advance His kingdom together.

Pray, Saints! Pray for our nation! Pray for the body of Christ, and its members! Pray that His Kingdom come and His will be done! Pray fervently, passionately, and on purpose! Make it your lifestyle!

Pray together!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Stop Shadow Boxing!!!

Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air.
- 1 Corinthians 9:26

I've made my mind up. I am no longer going to fight unnecessary battles. Nope. Done. No more. I am going to save my energy for the ones that are necessary because there are some that are necessary. It is necessary that I fight for my family, my marriage, and the promises that God has for us. It is not necessary that I fight over opinions, thoughts, or beliefs.

I am learning not to fight unnecessary battles, but I am also learning that I can't fight aimlessly either. I have to fight strategically. In the words of Paul, I can't find as one "who beats the air". The amplified version says "just shadow boxing". In shadow boxing you are throwing punches at no one in particular. You haven't taken aim. You are simply exerting energy.

Anytime that you aim at a person -- your spouse, your coworker, your spiritual brothers or sisters -- you are shadow boxing. You aren't in the ring against your real opponent. You are using them as target practice. The real opponent, Satan, is watching you waste the energy that should be used to defeat him. He is watching us wear ourselves out fighting the wrong person -- shadow boxing.

Stop it. Stop it now. Don't throw another punch. Don't launch another verbal attack. Don't shoot another missile unless you are aiming at the right target. Fight with precision. Fight strategically. If the issue is mistrust deal with the mistrust. If the issue is anger deal with the anger. Use the weapons of your warfare to take the fight where it belongs and make sure that you are aiming at the right target!

Stop shadow boxing!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- What if I Would Have Quit?

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

-Galatians 6:9

As we celebrated my son's 18th birthday this past week my heart overflowed with emotions. It was a simple celebration on his birthday -- family, cake, ice cream, and lots of laughs. It was a school night, and he wanted to wait until the weekend to go out. So, our entire family was together at the same time. This is a huge thing because the three oldest now work, but they made time to be with family for their brother's birthday. As I sat at the table and watched my sons and daughters replay memories and "clown" their old parents this was the question that came to my mind: What if I would have quit? What if I would have given up on my marriage? What if John and I decided that it was not worth it. Would I have experienced the moment that I did last Thursday night? 

John and I experienced some tough times -- some tough years. There were times that our anger and frustration with each other seemed overwhelming. We experienced issues -- trust issues, money issues, parenting issues -- you name it. Somehow, though, we loved each other enough to overcome those hurdles. We both realized we had things that needed to be worked on, and we worked on them. God revealed truth to us about ourselves (individually), and He led us to make the changes that were needed to have the marriage that He designed.

So, when my son  said, "Mom, this is the best birthday ever!" I was glad that I hadn't walked away. I was glad that I hadn't given up on my family. I was thankful that I stood through some really hard stuff. What if I would have quit?

• If I would have quit I would have forfeited this moment. 
• I would have forfeited God's ultimate plan. 
• I would have forfeited the opportunity to meet and minister to some of the most amazing women in the world. 
• I would have forfeited the opportunity to see marriages restored and men and women healed.

What is my point for you today? If God has told you to stand then stand. If He has told you to stay then stay. It doesn't matter who gives up or quits. You stand on what God has told you. Things may not feel good right now, but that doesn't mean that they won't be good later. Don't cut and run because of this moment. 

Allow God to speak to you about you. Present yourself to him, flaws and all, and seek His direction. Then obey what He tells you. Don't miss out on forever because of right now. Keep doing good. You will reap an amazing harvest because of it!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- I'm Not Controlling...Am I?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding
-Proverbs 3:5

I'm not a controlling wife. I just like things a certain way. I'm not a manipulative husband. I just try to present opportunities for my wife to do things the way I want them done. I'm not a nag. My spouse needs reminders to get things done. Have you ever thought or said any of these things? I have. I have thought and said each of these. I have been a controlling wife, a manipulative wife, and a nagging wife. Yep, I have. It doesn't bring me joy to say it, but it is true. I have conveniently left the bible open so that John could read certain passages. I have tried to control him in too many ways to list. I have tried to manipulate situations so that he would do what I wanted him to do. Since I am confessing, can I also confess to you that none of those things worked? Not one! I didn't accomplish the goals I was trying to reach. Actually, I created further division and chaos. I was doing more harm than good.

Here is the secret: God has a good plan for your spouse. Yes, He does. This is the kicker: He doesn't need you to help Him with the plan. He only asks you to trust Him with it. Your part is not to "make" your spouse do anything. It is to love and support him or her  as he or she responds to God's plan. Can you trust God more than what you see is happening? Can you really believe that God is working behind the scenes? Is the issue your spouse or your trust?

I have not attained perfection, but I finally learned to trust God with John. I stopped trying to convince him to do things he didn't want to do. I stopped "conveniently" making things happen. I have even stopped nagging (even though I often have to talk to myself about this one!). It has been a process, but it is well worth it. I decided that I was going to do my part (trust), and let God and John do their parts. I have learned to trust more, and that means I stress less.

Today, take an honest look at yourself -- not your spouse. Are you trying to control them? Do you want them to act a certain way or do certain things? Do you try to make them or convince them to do it your way? If so, that is controlling. Are you manipulative? Do you try to orchestrate things in your favor? Do you plan or scheme for things to happen a certain way? Do you nag? Do you say some of the same things over and over to your spouse so that they will do something you want them to do? If you fall into any of these categories, simply repent and move forward. Make today a new start. Determine right now that you will trust God to work in and through your spouse (without your help)!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Only You Can Make Me Happy!

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:

-Philippians 4:11

It's not your spouse's job to make you happy. If you were unhappy as a single person you will be unhappy as a married person. I know that is a harsh statement to open this blog post with, but it is the truth. So many people (husbands and wives alike) expect their spouse to make them happy. Some think it is the spouse's job to make them happy. Whether they articulate it in those words or not, many people expect their spouse to do things that please them. Now, I certainly think that both spouses should endeavor to bless their partner and make them happy. Marriage should be enjoyable. I believe it was created to be, but I have to say this because I believe it is the truth: It is not your spouse's job to make you happy. Now, that may be offensive or even challenge your notions about marriage, but it is still the truth. Will your spouse make you happy? Of course. Should they do things that bring you joy and fulfillment? Absolutely. However, you shouldn't be joyous and/or fulfilled based on their actions. Actually, you shouldn't base your happiness, joy, or fulfillment on any person. Your sense of fulfillment should come from your identity in Christ alone. 

What does this mean practically speaking? It means that I do things that bring joy to my spouse because I love him, and he does things that bring me joy because he loves me. We don't do these things out of a sense of obligation. We don't do these things because we have to, but we do them because we want to. It's not John's job to do what I want him to do when I want him to do it. He doesn't have to meet my every need for me to be happy. He doesn't have to do everything I want him to do for me to be happy. Simply put, John doesn't have to be perfect, and he doesn't have to cater to my every whim. I can free John from this responsibility, and I can free myself as well. In the same way that I don't have to work to earn salvation through Christ, I don't have to work to earn John's love. 

What is affecting your happiness? Is it something you can control? If so, seek the Lord about how to change it. If not, release it into God's hands. Spend some quality time with God letting Him affirm you, bless you, and bring you joy.

I have learned over these 18 years that I can be content regardless of what John does. He is not God. He is my husband. His actions affect me, but they don't control me. When you base your happiness on what someone else does or says you are giving them control, and no one should have that power over you. No one -- not even your spouse. 

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Love in Action!

I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from him.
-Hosea 14:4

I may be dating myself a little, but I remember a hit by Toni Braxton entitled "Love Shoulda Brought You Home". It was a hit way back in 1992. I can remember singing that song with great passion even though I had no real understanding of what the words meant. Twenty-five years later, I know that Toni was saying that actions speak louder than words. As cliche as it may sound, love is an action word.

God expects us to love our spouses like that. He expects there to be some action that goes along with it. We can't just tell them that we love them. We must show them. He even used an old testament prophet by the name of Hosea to provide a natural example for us. I don't know if you have ever read the book of Hosea, but I suggest you check it out when you have a chance. In it, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer. Throughout the book, we find that Gomer leaves Hosea. She even takes on different lovers. She plays the harlot, even after she has given Hosea children. Time after time God tells Hosea to go back to get her. He even has to pay for to get her back.

God used this as an example of how much He loved the children of Israel. No matter how many times they turned their backs on Him, no matter how many times they pursued foreign gods, He took them back. Just like Hosea, God had to buy back His bride. He paid the high price of Jesus Christ in order to redeem us. He didn't just say that He loves us. He continually shows that He loves us. He forgives us. He accepts us as we are. He is with us even while we are not at our best. His love is unconditional.

Please know that I am not endorsing adultery or saying that you are to do what Hosea had to do, but what you must do is love. You must ensure that your spouse knows and feels your love. There should be tangible evidence that you love them. Do you talk to your spouse like you love him? Do you do kind things to show your spouse that you love them? What actionable evidence points to your love?

Love doesn't just bring you home. It keeps you home and makes your home a place of peace. Love prefers others over itself. Love is gracious. Love forgives. Is your love in action?