Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding
-Proverbs 3:5
I'm not a controlling wife. I just like things a certain way. I'm not a manipulative husband. I just try to present opportunities for my wife to do things the way I want them done. I'm not a nag. My spouse needs reminders to get things done. Have you ever thought or said any of these things? I have. I have thought and said each of these. I have been a controlling wife, a manipulative wife, and a nagging wife. Yep, I have. It doesn't bring me joy to say it, but it is true. I have conveniently left the bible open so that John could read certain passages. I have tried to control him in too many ways to list. I have tried to manipulate situations so that he would do what I wanted him to do. Since I am confessing, can I also confess to you that none of those things worked? Not one! I didn't accomplish the goals I was trying to reach. Actually, I created further division and chaos. I was doing more harm than good.
Here is the secret: God has a good plan for your spouse. Yes, He does. This is the kicker: He doesn't need you to help Him with the plan. He only asks you to trust Him with it. Your part is not to "make" your spouse do anything. It is to love and support him or her as he or she responds to God's plan. Can you trust God more than what you see is happening? Can you really believe that God is working behind the scenes? Is the issue your spouse or your trust?
I have not attained perfection, but I finally learned to trust God with John. I stopped trying to convince him to do things he didn't want to do. I stopped "conveniently" making things happen. I have even stopped nagging (even though I often have to talk to myself about this one!). It has been a process, but it is well worth it. I decided that I was going to do my part (trust), and let God and John do their parts. I have learned to trust more, and that means I stress less.
Today, take an honest look at yourself -- not your spouse. Are you trying to control them? Do you want them to act a certain way or do certain things? Do you try to make them or convince them to do it your way? If so, that is controlling. Are you manipulative? Do you try to orchestrate things in your favor? Do you plan or scheme for things to happen a certain way? Do you nag? Do you say some of the same things over and over to your spouse so that they will do something you want them to do? If you fall into any of these categories, simply repent and move forward. Make today a new start. Determine right now that you will trust God to work in and through your spouse (without your help)!
Monday, September 18, 2017
Monday, September 11, 2017
Monday's Marriage Moment -- Only You Can Make Me Happy!
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:
-Philippians 4:11
It's not your spouse's job to make you happy. If you were unhappy as a single person you will be unhappy as a married person. I know that is a harsh statement to open this blog post with, but it is the truth. So many people (husbands and wives alike) expect their spouse to make them happy. Some think it is the spouse's job to make them happy. Whether they articulate it in those words or not, many people expect their spouse to do things that please them. Now, I certainly think that both spouses should endeavor to bless their partner and make them happy. Marriage should be enjoyable. I believe it was created to be, but I have to say this because I believe it is the truth: It is not your spouse's job to make you happy. Now, that may be offensive or even challenge your notions about marriage, but it is still the truth. Will your spouse make you happy? Of course. Should they do things that bring you joy and fulfillment? Absolutely. However, you shouldn't be joyous and/or fulfilled based on their actions. Actually, you shouldn't base your happiness, joy, or fulfillment on any person. Your sense of fulfillment should come from your identity in Christ alone.
What does this mean practically speaking? It means that I do things that bring joy to my spouse because I love him, and he does things that bring me joy because he loves me. We don't do these things out of a sense of obligation. We don't do these things because we have to, but we do them because we want to. It's not John's job to do what I want him to do when I want him to do it. He doesn't have to meet my every need for me to be happy. He doesn't have to do everything I want him to do for me to be happy. Simply put, John doesn't have to be perfect, and he doesn't have to cater to my every whim. I can free John from this responsibility, and I can free myself as well. In the same way that I don't have to work to earn salvation through Christ, I don't have to work to earn John's love.
What is affecting your happiness? Is it something you can control? If so, seek the Lord about how to change it. If not, release it into God's hands. Spend some quality time with God letting Him affirm you, bless you, and bring you joy.
I have learned over these 18 years that I can be content regardless of what John does. He is not God. He is my husband. His actions affect me, but they don't control me. When you base your happiness on what someone else does or says you are giving them control, and no one should have that power over you. No one -- not even your spouse.
Monday, September 4, 2017
Monday's Marriage Moment -- Love in Action!
I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from him.
-Hosea 14:4
I may be dating myself a little, but I remember a hit by Toni Braxton entitled "Love Shoulda Brought You Home". It was a hit way back in 1992. I can remember singing that song with great passion even though I had no real understanding of what the words meant. Twenty-five years later, I know that Toni was saying that actions speak louder than words. As cliche as it may sound, love is an action word.
God expects us to love our spouses like that. He expects there to be some action that goes along with it. We can't just tell them that we love them. We must show them. He even used an old testament prophet by the name of Hosea to provide a natural example for us. I don't know if you have ever read the book of Hosea, but I suggest you check it out when you have a chance. In it, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer. Throughout the book, we find that Gomer leaves Hosea. She even takes on different lovers. She plays the harlot, even after she has given Hosea children. Time after time God tells Hosea to go back to get her. He even has to pay for to get her back.
God used this as an example of how much He loved the children of Israel. No matter how many times they turned their backs on Him, no matter how many times they pursued foreign gods, He took them back. Just like Hosea, God had to buy back His bride. He paid the high price of Jesus Christ in order to redeem us. He didn't just say that He loves us. He continually shows that He loves us. He forgives us. He accepts us as we are. He is with us even while we are not at our best. His love is unconditional.
Please know that I am not endorsing adultery or saying that you are to do what Hosea had to do, but what you must do is love. You must ensure that your spouse knows and feels your love. There should be tangible evidence that you love them. Do you talk to your spouse like you love him? Do you do kind things to show your spouse that you love them? What actionable evidence points to your love?
Love doesn't just bring you home. It keeps you home and makes your home a place of peace. Love prefers others over itself. Love is gracious. Love forgives. Is your love in action?
-Hosea 14:4
I may be dating myself a little, but I remember a hit by Toni Braxton entitled "Love Shoulda Brought You Home". It was a hit way back in 1992. I can remember singing that song with great passion even though I had no real understanding of what the words meant. Twenty-five years later, I know that Toni was saying that actions speak louder than words. As cliche as it may sound, love is an action word.
God expects us to love our spouses like that. He expects there to be some action that goes along with it. We can't just tell them that we love them. We must show them. He even used an old testament prophet by the name of Hosea to provide a natural example for us. I don't know if you have ever read the book of Hosea, but I suggest you check it out when you have a chance. In it, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer. Throughout the book, we find that Gomer leaves Hosea. She even takes on different lovers. She plays the harlot, even after she has given Hosea children. Time after time God tells Hosea to go back to get her. He even has to pay for to get her back.
God used this as an example of how much He loved the children of Israel. No matter how many times they turned their backs on Him, no matter how many times they pursued foreign gods, He took them back. Just like Hosea, God had to buy back His bride. He paid the high price of Jesus Christ in order to redeem us. He didn't just say that He loves us. He continually shows that He loves us. He forgives us. He accepts us as we are. He is with us even while we are not at our best. His love is unconditional.
Please know that I am not endorsing adultery or saying that you are to do what Hosea had to do, but what you must do is love. You must ensure that your spouse knows and feels your love. There should be tangible evidence that you love them. Do you talk to your spouse like you love him? Do you do kind things to show your spouse that you love them? What actionable evidence points to your love?
Love doesn't just bring you home. It keeps you home and makes your home a place of peace. Love prefers others over itself. Love is gracious. Love forgives. Is your love in action?
Monday, August 28, 2017
Monday's Marriage Moment - It's Not Mine...It's His!
I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.
-John 10:28
If you have children you probably have heard the word "mine" more than you care to admit. This is one of the first words that they learn. They take ownership of things (whether it actually belongs to them or not), and they refuse to let them go. Imagine a 2 year old with a toy. How easy is it to take it from them? You can take it, but you are sure to hear screams and cries. Many of us are like that toddler when it comes to our things -- our friends, our plans, or our way of doing things.
The problem with being the one who owns something is that you have to assume the full responsibility of it. You have to take care of it. You have to clean it. You have to keep up with it. It sounds great initially, but as time passes you realize that ownership is work. You realize that there are some things that you don't want to own anymore. Think about this spiritually. You may have had a plan for your life or career and realized that your plan wasn't really working or a plan for your friendships and realized that things have not gone the way you thought they would. Maybe these things were harder work than you thought or weren't even best for you.
If you walk with God long enough, you will see that His plan is better. His way is better. Actually, it is better if He owns it. See, when God owns something the responsibility is on Him. Yes, as a good steward, you do your part, but the weight of it is on His shoulders. He has a way of maintaining things that not like ours. He is not frazzled by day-to-day cares or concerns. When something belongs to God it is protected and covered. Look at John 10:28. Jesus basically says that once He has something no one can take it away. Whatever belongs to Him, is in His hand, is there to stay. So, why not put some things in His hands today. Take a moment and give your marriage to God. Tell Him that you trust Him with it -- the good, the bad, your spouse, yourself, your finances, intimacy, and children. Put every bit of it in His hands, and know that He will not let them slip out. He holds the future -- the world -- in His hands so your cares and concerns are not too much for Him. Give everything completely to Him and rest in His loving care. If He is holding your marriage, the enemy can not touch it!
-John 10:28
If you have children you probably have heard the word "mine" more than you care to admit. This is one of the first words that they learn. They take ownership of things (whether it actually belongs to them or not), and they refuse to let them go. Imagine a 2 year old with a toy. How easy is it to take it from them? You can take it, but you are sure to hear screams and cries. Many of us are like that toddler when it comes to our things -- our friends, our plans, or our way of doing things.
The problem with being the one who owns something is that you have to assume the full responsibility of it. You have to take care of it. You have to clean it. You have to keep up with it. It sounds great initially, but as time passes you realize that ownership is work. You realize that there are some things that you don't want to own anymore. Think about this spiritually. You may have had a plan for your life or career and realized that your plan wasn't really working or a plan for your friendships and realized that things have not gone the way you thought they would. Maybe these things were harder work than you thought or weren't even best for you.
If you walk with God long enough, you will see that His plan is better. His way is better. Actually, it is better if He owns it. See, when God owns something the responsibility is on Him. Yes, as a good steward, you do your part, but the weight of it is on His shoulders. He has a way of maintaining things that not like ours. He is not frazzled by day-to-day cares or concerns. When something belongs to God it is protected and covered. Look at John 10:28. Jesus basically says that once He has something no one can take it away. Whatever belongs to Him, is in His hand, is there to stay. So, why not put some things in His hands today. Take a moment and give your marriage to God. Tell Him that you trust Him with it -- the good, the bad, your spouse, yourself, your finances, intimacy, and children. Put every bit of it in His hands, and know that He will not let them slip out. He holds the future -- the world -- in His hands so your cares and concerns are not too much for Him. Give everything completely to Him and rest in His loving care. If He is holding your marriage, the enemy can not touch it!
Monday, August 21, 2017
Monday's Marriage Moment -- What's Blocking the SON?
looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-Hebrews 12:2
The solar eclipse that we experienced today was a truly phenomenal event. Actually, it was a historical event. Many grabbed their special glasses and headed outside for the once in a lifetime occurrence. Others held parties and took selfies to commemorate the occasion.
Though it is rare that the moon totally obstructs our view of the sun, it is much more frequent that we allow things to obstruct our view of THE SON. It is so easy to allow our schedules to fill and our time with our savior to empty. We cram our lives with events, activities, and gatherings. We spend our time watching tv, scrolling through social media, or talking/texting on our phones. We have more to do than we have time to do it. Some of the things that require our time are great. Others are not. Either way, if it consumes our time it can begin to obstruct our view.
Whether you know it or not, when our view is obstructed everything is affected. The same way that staring directly at a solar eclipse can cause physical damage, allowing things to obstruct our view of Christ can cause spiritual damage. It's hard to reflect the SON if you don't spend time with the SON. Where does this show up the most? in our marriages and our homes.
If your attitude towards your spouse has changed or has become more negative you may be suffering damage from a spiritual eclipse. If you have become less patient and loving, there may be things that are obstructing your view. If you are angry and discontent, you need more time in the Son.
Let's take more time in the weeks ahead to SON bathe. It will be well worth it.
-Hebrews 12:2
The solar eclipse that we experienced today was a truly phenomenal event. Actually, it was a historical event. Many grabbed their special glasses and headed outside for the once in a lifetime occurrence. Others held parties and took selfies to commemorate the occasion.
Though it is rare that the moon totally obstructs our view of the sun, it is much more frequent that we allow things to obstruct our view of THE SON. It is so easy to allow our schedules to fill and our time with our savior to empty. We cram our lives with events, activities, and gatherings. We spend our time watching tv, scrolling through social media, or talking/texting on our phones. We have more to do than we have time to do it. Some of the things that require our time are great. Others are not. Either way, if it consumes our time it can begin to obstruct our view.
Whether you know it or not, when our view is obstructed everything is affected. The same way that staring directly at a solar eclipse can cause physical damage, allowing things to obstruct our view of Christ can cause spiritual damage. It's hard to reflect the SON if you don't spend time with the SON. Where does this show up the most? in our marriages and our homes.
If your attitude towards your spouse has changed or has become more negative you may be suffering damage from a spiritual eclipse. If you have become less patient and loving, there may be things that are obstructing your view. If you are angry and discontent, you need more time in the Son.
Let's take more time in the weeks ahead to SON bathe. It will be well worth it.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Monday's Marriage Moment -- You Only Have One Job!
Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
-Matthew 22: 37 - 40
I love looking at those "you only had one job" memes. Have you seen them? They show funny things like someone creating a Coke display under a Pepsi sign, or someone who paints the word school on a crosswalk and spells it "shcool". As funny as these picture are, today I am reminded how serious the one job we have as Christians is. God has given us this one job of loving -- loving him and loving others. It sounds so simple, but our world today makes it seem so hard. Over the past few months alone, I have seen people hurt those that they profess to love. I have seen dissolution of ministries in public and distasteful ways. I have seen abuse and intimidation from those who should love and cover. I have seen hate, anger, strife, abuse, and pride. Yet, we still only have one job.
God asks us -- no requires and expects us -- to love. He puts no stipulations or conditions on it. He says love Him and love others...period. It sounds so easy, but it certainly requires great faith and denial of self. I must love. You must love, and it can't be dependent upon what others do or don't do. That means we will have to accept some apologies that we will never receive, go the extra mile for those who may not do the same for us, and choose to give grace even when it is hard. Love covers. Love keeps. Love bears all things. Love believes the best.
There is no place that this love gets tested like it does at home. After all, the bible says that love begins at home and spreads abroad. We must forgive our spouses. We must treat them like we want to be treated. We must show kindness and grace. We must speak kindly to them and about them. We must love.
I pray this week that you make sure that you love not just in your words but in your actions as well. Take great steps of faith this week to extend peace and grace where there may have been anger and resentment. Sit in the presence of the God of love, and then allow His love to flow through you onto others.
-Matthew 22: 37 - 40
I love looking at those "you only had one job" memes. Have you seen them? They show funny things like someone creating a Coke display under a Pepsi sign, or someone who paints the word school on a crosswalk and spells it "shcool". As funny as these picture are, today I am reminded how serious the one job we have as Christians is. God has given us this one job of loving -- loving him and loving others. It sounds so simple, but our world today makes it seem so hard. Over the past few months alone, I have seen people hurt those that they profess to love. I have seen dissolution of ministries in public and distasteful ways. I have seen abuse and intimidation from those who should love and cover. I have seen hate, anger, strife, abuse, and pride. Yet, we still only have one job.
God asks us -- no requires and expects us -- to love. He puts no stipulations or conditions on it. He says love Him and love others...period. It sounds so easy, but it certainly requires great faith and denial of self. I must love. You must love, and it can't be dependent upon what others do or don't do. That means we will have to accept some apologies that we will never receive, go the extra mile for those who may not do the same for us, and choose to give grace even when it is hard. Love covers. Love keeps. Love bears all things. Love believes the best.
There is no place that this love gets tested like it does at home. After all, the bible says that love begins at home and spreads abroad. We must forgive our spouses. We must treat them like we want to be treated. We must show kindness and grace. We must speak kindly to them and about them. We must love.
I pray this week that you make sure that you love not just in your words but in your actions as well. Take great steps of faith this week to extend peace and grace where there may have been anger and resentment. Sit in the presence of the God of love, and then allow His love to flow through you onto others.
Monday, August 7, 2017
Monday's Marriage Moment -- Tear Down Those Idols!
Then the Philistines took the ark of God and brought it from Ebenezer to Ashdod. When the Philistines took the ark of God, they brought it into the house of Dagon[a] and set it by Dagon. And when the people of Ashdod arose early in the morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the earth before the ark of the Lord. So they took Dagon and set it in its place again. And when they arose early the next morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the ground before the ark of the Lord. The head of Dagon and both the palms of its hands were broken off on the threshold; only Dagon’s torso was left of it. Therefore neither the priests of Dagon nor any who come into Dagon’s house tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.
-1 Samuel 5:1 - 5
Life has not turned out like I planned. I didn't plan to have a total of 7 children. I didn't plan to be in ministry. I didn't plan to live in Durham, North Carolina. I didn't plan to go through some of the things that I went through in marriage or in life. I had a different plan when I was 18 years old-- when I was 25 years old. I had dreams of a white picket fence, 2 children (a boy and a girl, twins obviously), and being a housewife in the suburbs. Our butler, Jeeves, was going to serve us in a full tuxedo almost daily. Before you laugh hysterically at my naivete, maybe you should think back on your dreams. Did you have some plan in your head for how things would be? Some of you may have written those things on paper. Others of you may have just filed them in your minds. If we are not careful, those imaginations can become a checklist of requirements rather than wishful thinking. We begin to compare our real lives with the fictional one that we created in our heads. We compare our husbands with the husband that we want him to be in our head. It is no surprise that they don't measure up because the one we are comparing them to is not real!
Sometimes our image is not a fake one but who we feel like our husband 'used to be'. We reminisce and long for way back when and we miss out on the beauty of now. We hold them hostage to what was and we refuse to embrace what is. We spend our time wishing for the past and not enriching our future. I read one time that once when the Mona Lisa was stolen more people came to see the blank spot where she once was than had actually come to see the painting. These people traveled, spent large amounts of money, and sacrificed their time to see a blank wall -- an empty space. That is exactly what we are doing when we are staring at what once was. I hate to say it, but those imaginations and memories can become idols, and God stands in direct opposition to idols. We must tear them down. We must dethrone the perfect husband from our hearts and begin to be thankful for the real husband that we have. As we demolish the image we will begin to see the great qualities in our actual spouses. Stop staring at blank walls and fake images. See what you have right in front of you. Tear down any idols you have including what you planned and what used to be.
The only way idols fall is when they are presented with the truth and presence of God. That's what happened in our scripture today. The idol, Dagon, was found on the ground on its face in the presence of God. Submit your plans and expectations, your "I thought by now" and "I wish", to God and allow Him to take control. He has a great plan for your life that is far better than you could imagine.
I started this by saying that my life is different than I planned, but I need to elaborate as I close this message. My life is better than I planned. I have gone through some challenges, but I have a wonderful husband and amazing children by my side. I have seen God love me through John and our children and that is better than any image I could ever think about. I have the privilege of sharing the gospel with people often, and to see someone embrace the truth of God's word blesses me beyond my wildest dreams. I don't have Jeeves working at this point, but I get the privilege of serving this wonderful family God has trusted me with. I stopped looking at what I don't have. I stopped looking at my plan. I stopped looking at who John used to be, and I am embracing all the blessings God has given me. This is not the life I planned. It is better.
-1 Samuel 5:1 - 5
Life has not turned out like I planned. I didn't plan to have a total of 7 children. I didn't plan to be in ministry. I didn't plan to live in Durham, North Carolina. I didn't plan to go through some of the things that I went through in marriage or in life. I had a different plan when I was 18 years old-- when I was 25 years old. I had dreams of a white picket fence, 2 children (a boy and a girl, twins obviously), and being a housewife in the suburbs. Our butler, Jeeves, was going to serve us in a full tuxedo almost daily. Before you laugh hysterically at my naivete, maybe you should think back on your dreams. Did you have some plan in your head for how things would be? Some of you may have written those things on paper. Others of you may have just filed them in your minds. If we are not careful, those imaginations can become a checklist of requirements rather than wishful thinking. We begin to compare our real lives with the fictional one that we created in our heads. We compare our husbands with the husband that we want him to be in our head. It is no surprise that they don't measure up because the one we are comparing them to is not real!
Sometimes our image is not a fake one but who we feel like our husband 'used to be'. We reminisce and long for way back when and we miss out on the beauty of now. We hold them hostage to what was and we refuse to embrace what is. We spend our time wishing for the past and not enriching our future. I read one time that once when the Mona Lisa was stolen more people came to see the blank spot where she once was than had actually come to see the painting. These people traveled, spent large amounts of money, and sacrificed their time to see a blank wall -- an empty space. That is exactly what we are doing when we are staring at what once was. I hate to say it, but those imaginations and memories can become idols, and God stands in direct opposition to idols. We must tear them down. We must dethrone the perfect husband from our hearts and begin to be thankful for the real husband that we have. As we demolish the image we will begin to see the great qualities in our actual spouses. Stop staring at blank walls and fake images. See what you have right in front of you. Tear down any idols you have including what you planned and what used to be.
The only way idols fall is when they are presented with the truth and presence of God. That's what happened in our scripture today. The idol, Dagon, was found on the ground on its face in the presence of God. Submit your plans and expectations, your "I thought by now" and "I wish", to God and allow Him to take control. He has a great plan for your life that is far better than you could imagine.
I started this by saying that my life is different than I planned, but I need to elaborate as I close this message. My life is better than I planned. I have gone through some challenges, but I have a wonderful husband and amazing children by my side. I have seen God love me through John and our children and that is better than any image I could ever think about. I have the privilege of sharing the gospel with people often, and to see someone embrace the truth of God's word blesses me beyond my wildest dreams. I don't have Jeeves working at this point, but I get the privilege of serving this wonderful family God has trusted me with. I stopped looking at what I don't have. I stopped looking at my plan. I stopped looking at who John used to be, and I am embracing all the blessings God has given me. This is not the life I planned. It is better.
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