Monday's Marriage Moment - It's All Going to be Worth It!

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

-Romans 8:18

Every marriage has ups and downs; hills and valleys. There are times when all of us question, to some extent, if we are doing this marriage thing right. Some of us have even questioned if we should have gotten married or if it is going to work out. That’s just the truth, but if you keep God first…if you let Him work in you (and your husband), you will find out that it all has been worth it.

Yesterday, I watched my 17-year old daughter get baptized, and I was filled with emotion. When the ceremony was over, she had an opportunity to say a few words. She thanked God, and she thanked me, but I was particularly moved when she said, “on this day, I specifically want to honor my father because seeing him get baptized inspired me to get baptized”. When she said that I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I immediately thought about the times that our marriage was hard, and the times that I didn’t know where we would end up. I thought about the dumb stuff I did and the dumb stuff John did. I thought about how I tried to make him be what I wanted him to be; how I tried to manipulate him into going to church and being the man that I knew he was supposed to be.

Then I thought about how God convicted me of trying to play Holy Ghost in John’s life. I thought about how hard it was for me to stop trying to fix John and let God fix me (He’s still working on me by the way). I thought about how God led John to Himself when I moved myself out of the way.

My daughter was able to see John make a public dedication of his life to Christ, and that inspired her to do the same. If I would have done all the things I wanted to do years ago or said all the things I felt like saying I wonder if she would have had this same experience.

So, my encouragement for you today is that it’s all going to be worth it. It might feel like suffering now, but there is going to be such joy that comes later. Yeah, it doesn’t feel good to discipline your mouth not to respond sharply. It doesn’t feel good to not get your way. It doesn’t feel good to have to be faithful and trust God for a long while before you see the results, but it is so worth it.

Your marriage is worth your prayers.

It is worth your sacrifice.

It is worth your time.

It is worth your investment.

It’s worth saying no to your flesh and yes to God.

It’s worth the tears.

It’s worth the hard and uncomfortable conversations.

It’s worth it all.

It’s worth it all because in a little while God is going to blow your mind! In a little while all those seeds you have sown are going to produce a great harvest.  

It’s worth it because one day you are going to see how God was working the whole time. One day you are going to see how God used every bit of the bad to work for your good. One day you are going to see how God didn’t waste one experience but used them all to teach, train, and grow you. You are going to see one day that it was all worth it!

Is there any area in your marriage that you can look back on and agree with me that it has all been worth it? Feel free to comment below to encourage another wife.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Let's Talk About Sex (Part 2)

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
-Hebrews 13:4

Last week we talked about issues with sex and intimacy, and your response was amazing. So good in fact, that I thought I completed the assignment and could move on. It was not the most comfortable subject for me (again, my family reads this blog), and it's an area that I continue to grow in. So, I thought: YES! I wrote about it. I'm working through it with all of these amazing wives. I obeyed you, God, and all is well.

Not so!

God had another plan. He showed me that I did a good job of highlighting the negative behaviors that we need to stop, but He also wanted me to discuss some positive behaviors that we need to put in place. So, here is part two:

• Flirt - Husbands like for us to flirt with them. It makes them feel desirable, and it causes them to want you more. So, dear wife, flirt with your spouse! Wink at him. Touch his but. Send him a cute picture. Leave him a suggestive note. Play "footsie" with him under the dining room table. Make him feel wanted.
• Look desirable - Put on something that makes you feel sexy. It's ok. You are married. I'm not telling you to wear your bikini to the grocery store (PLEASE DON'T). I'm saying when you are with your husband wear something that is appealing to him and makes you feel good. John once asked me why I wore so many clothes (because I often have on a tank top, a shirt, and a sweater). Don't laugh at me, I'm dressing practically for the varying temperatures I will experience in my office, but those layers don't appeal to him when we are on a date. So, I need to dress in a way that I like, but one that also gives him something to look at. Put on those heels. Wear that form-fitting dress. Doll up in those leggings that he likes so much. Our husbands are visual so give him some eye-candy. 
• Initiate sex - Yep...I said it. Every now and then we need to make the first move. We need to let them know that they are wanted. Set the atmosphere. Remove the distractions. Show them that you want them just as much as they want you.
• Make an effort - Your spouse does not just want you to be a participant in sex. He wants you to be a willing participant. Sometimes we are guilty of just laying there. I can't believe I just wrote that line, but it is the truth. They want us to be actively engaged. They don't want to have to do all the work while you act as if you are just waiting for it to be over. I understand that there are times that we are tired, and we really aren't in the mood for it, but it is in the best interest of our marriages that we are active, willing participants in sex. Show them that you are willing to give the effort despite your fatigue. 
• Pray about it - I know that you might think I'm being super deep, but I am being so serious. God is concerned about every aspect of our marriages including sex. Ask God to give you a stronger sex drive, a deeper desire to be intimate with your spouse, and supernatural energy to do so. Ask him to show you opportunities that you may miss. Ask him to make you sensitive to the needs of your husband. Ask him to remove pride, bitterness, or envy from your heart so that you can be a willing participant. The bible talks about sex, so God is not shy about it. He designed it, after all. Ask him.

Hopefully, these ideas will help you as you seek greater intimacy with your spouse. I would love to hear your ideas and suggestions as well. 

Monday's Marriage Moment - Let's Talk About Sex

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 
1 Corinthians 7:4-5

I didn't want to write this blog post. Maybe that's why it is late (between that, a flight home, a presentation, and a very late night). At 44 years old, I still feel a little weird writing the word "sex" in the title. After all, I'm a good church girl (LOL). Sex is definitely not a bad word, but it's not a word we used growing up. We didn't talk about it, which is probably why I struggled in this area early in marriage. So, no, I didn't want to write this post, but I had to. We have to. So many marriages are failing because sex is an issue, and it really doesn't have to be. So, let's talk.

Issue: Sex in marriage is an issue for the very reason I just described. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about its importance. We just think it will happen. Husbands have their set of expectations. Wives have theirs, and if there is no conversation about it someone's expectation goes unmet. We don't talk about how frequent it should be. We don't talk about what we like and don't like during sex. We simply don't talk.

Remedy: Have a conversation. Discuss what your needs really are. Come to an agreement regarding how frequent it should be. Schedule it if you have to, but make sure you are having an open, honest conversation about it.

Issue: We think it's just sex, and it's not that big of a deal. My husband made an amazing, eye-opening point on a Facebook Live we did last week. He said that when we say no to them regarding sex we are rejecting them - not having sex. He said most men have been rejected in some way since they were younger and to come home and be rejected by the one person who has truly accepted them is painful. I've never thought of it like that, and maybe you haven't either, but now you should. It's not just sex. It's feeling wanted. Feeling desired. Feeling safe with the one who knows everything about you and wants you anyway. Let's be clear - it's not just sex.

Remedy: Eliminate excuses. Stop thinking of only yourself, and think about the needs of your spouse. Does he feel wanted? Needed? Appreciated? Have you rejected them even when you thought you had a "real" reason for saying no? Is being too tired, having a headache, or just not wanting to a good enough reason to damage your husband and your marriage? What things can you put into place to eliminate the excuses?

Issue: We use sex as some type of reward or punishment. If your spouse acts the way you think they should act, help you with the kids, or does buys you some wonderful gift he "deserves" sex, but if he does something you don't agree with or doesn't do what you want, he better not rub your leg in the middle of the night or even think that he has a chance of being intimate. This is wrong on all levels. It's manipulation, and it's ungodly. Sex is about intimacy. It's not a weapon or a tool. To use it as such damages your spouse and your marriage. Both of you need a healthy sex life, whether you think so or not. Don't be so prideful and controlling that you withhold sex to get what you want. God is not pleased.

Remedy: Stop it. That may sound harsh, but it's the only remedy. Sex is not just about you. It's about your marriage. The bible is very clear that we shouldn't withhold sex from our spouses, and we certainly shouldn't hold it over their heads as something to work for. Sex isn't earned anymore than love is. Your spouse doesn't need to be controlled. They need to be loved. And honestly, there is no better way to make up after a disagreement.

These are a few of the issues that I have seen over the years, what other issues/remedies can you add?

Monday's Marriage Moment - Pray, Wives, Pray!

For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
1 Corinthians 7:16

Pray, wives, pray! You are in a strategic position to pray for your husband like no one else. You see his weaknesses, his struggles, and his needs. You see the areas that he needs to be covered in. God shows you these areas not so that you can exploit them, point them out, or dominate him. God shows you these areas so that you can strengthen them, help him, and cover him in prayer. So, pray, wives, pray!

The devil is attacking covenants like never before. He hates marriage. He doesn't want yours to work. He will use lies, pride, other people, miscommunication, and distance to divide you and your spouse. He will use anyone and anything...if we let him. Are we going to sit passively and allow these things to happen, or are we going to spend time communicating with God so that we can effectively thwart the plan of our enemy. So, pray, wives, pray!

Pray that your husband will grow in his relationship with God.
Pray that he will be protected from the plans of the enemy.
Pray that he will not be enticed or distracted by the devil.
Pray that you will grow closer to each other as the days go by.
Pray that you will stay passionate in your love for each other.
Pray that your communication will be kind, clear, and purposeful.
Pray that your intimacy will be frequent, dynamic, and satisfying for you both.
Pray that your marriage will be powerful and purposeful and draw others to Christ.
Pray that you will see the attacks before they come and that you will have wisdom to avoid them!

Will you join me this week in praying for our spouses? Will you join me in praying for marriages? Come on, people, let's pray!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Have You Thought About Him?

The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.
Proverbs 14:1

Who doesn't love a good back rub or foot massage? What about being surprised with your favorite gift or or a night on the town? We certainly love when we come home and dinner is prepared and the kids are taken care of, right? Guess what? Our husbands do too. So often we expect them to take care of our needs, treat us like queens, and roll out the red carpet for us, but we don't always do the same.

Last week, I wrote about looking good for your husband, and that is important, but the bigger issue is showing him that you care enough to do so. They want to know that we value their feelings and opinions. They want to know that they are worth the effort...and we should let them know that they are.

A wise wife knows that she must pray AND apply what the bible says to build a lasting marriage. We need to cover our husbands and marriages in prayer, but we must also employ practical steps to have an effective marriage. One of those practical steps is to do things that build and not tear down. Our husbands need to be encouraged and affirmed; they need to be built up . They need to feel special just like we do, and they need us to do it. They go out into a world that doesn't always value and appreciate them. They face struggles and tests throughout the day, and they look forward to coming home to a welcoming, safe environment in which they are loved and appreciated. This is the perfect opportunity for us to build them and in turn build our marriage.

Let's make it our business to ensure that we provide that environment. Let's make it our business to let them know how valuable they are. Let's make it our priority to ensure that charity begins at home.

There are so many ways to show our appreciation to our husbands, but here are a few ideas to help you get started. Some are so simple that we don't think of them often, and some require a little more effort, but all of them will be worth it:

• Greet your husband with a hug when he arrives home
• Get up early and pack his breakfast/lunch with a love note
• Send him a text/note during the day with an appropriate affirmation
• Schedule a date night and wear his favorite outfit
• Set up a romantic night for the two of you
• Cook his favorite dinner 
• Give him a back and/or foot massage
• Text him a cute pic of you with a spicy message
• Buy his favorite snacks, treats, etc.

Spice these up however you would like, but know that these simple acts will have lasting effects on your marriage. 

Let me know which of these you will try this week or add to the list in the comments! 

Monday's Marriage Moment - Play Dress Up!

As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love.
-Proverbs 5:19

When I was a child I liked to watch cartoons. One of the characters was Wile E. Coyote. This coyote spent his entire life chasing a character called Road Runner. For years, I watched Wile E. have anvils dropped on his head, get blown up, and fall off of cliffs chasing Road Runner. Then one day to my surprise, Wile E. Coyote caught the Road Runner. You would think that he would have planned what to do once he caught him, but instead he held up a sign that said, "Now What". It's comical as a cartoon, but this happens all of the time in our lives, especially our marriages.

When we are dating we dress nice, smell good, and put our best foot forward. We keep our hair and nails done, and we speak so kindly to our potential spouse. Then we "get" our husbands, and like Wile E., we wonder now what? We think marriage is the finish line when actuality it is a journey. We get settled and stop doing the things that catch their attention and keep them excited about being with us. This is a cause of lots of stress and issues in marriages, and it is so preventable.

My husband called me the other night on his way home, and we were just talking in general. However, before he hung up he said, "Hey! Be dressed like you have a husband when I get home". Now, I could have gotten offended, but I didn't. I heard what he said. He wasn't asking to see me in my professional clothes or dressed to go to a formal event. He was asking me not to have on my old pajama bottoms and t-shirts that don't match. He wanted me to have something on that appealed to him, and I should want that too.

He doesn't necessarily want me to have on the pair of 3 inch heels and my birthday suit everyday when he comes on (actually, he probably does), but he doesn't want to come home to a bonnet and a moo moo everyday either. Let's not forget that our spouses are attracted to what they see. Give them something to look at. Don't just dress up for them - the people that you see at work, church, and out with your friends -- dress up for him!

I want my husband to be attracted to me, and I am sure that you want your spouse to be attracted to you too. Whether you are a size 2 or 22 isn't the issue. Your husband likes you. He likes how you look, and he definitely wants to look at you. Men are typically are appealed to visually so give him something to look at!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Shut it Down!

Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.
Proverbs 4:23

Unplug it. Turn it off. Walk away from it. Close the door. I know that we love open doors and connectivity, but we must be serious about eliminating and removing anything that distracts us from our purpose, anything that creates chaos and confusion, and anything that creatives negativity and stress. I know as wives that there are lots of things that vie for our attention, but as gatekeepers and women on the front lines, we must guard our hearts and lives from anything that pulls us from purpose.

A few weeks ago I went into the grocery store, shopped, paid for my items, and left the store. The issue with that is that I left all of my groceries in the store. I paid for them and left them. Who does that? Someone whose mind is too occupied. Someone who is carrying too much. Someone who needed a mental break before she had a mental break. Don't find yourself in my situation. Free your mind from all that consumes it.

You role as a wife makes you to some degree a doctor, a therapist, a household manager, the budget manager, the schedule keeper and so much more. With all those duties, you don't have time for energy wasters and time sucks. You just don't. You can't occupy your mind with things that cause you fatigue and stress. You have to be your best to be effective in your role. You have to free your mind to hear what God instructs for your family. You can't be so full of other stuff that you are forgetful of the things that matter.

• Shut down negative conversations
• Shut down things that waste your time
• Shut down whatever threatens your peace
• Shut down the things that threaten your marriage.

God has made you the steward of your life. It's your responsibility to guard it well. Are you establishing boundaries? Are you doing the things that really matter? Are you a woman of wisdom?

Take a good look at your schedule. Take a good look at how you spend your time. What needs to be eliminated? What are you investing in that has no return? What relationships cause more problems than get solved? You have an amazing role, but it requires that you are at your best to fulfill it. I encourage you to go through your schedule, and anything that is pulling more from you than it is giving - SHUT IT DOWN!