Monday's Marriage Moment -- Out of Order?

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55: 8 - 10

 

The dictionary defines "out of order" as: not working properly or at all. When something is not functioning as it should we determine that it is out of order. We have all seen these signs on soda machines and other equipment. Many times these signs bring us frustration. You want to get a cold drink, but the machine is out of order. You want a milkshake from your favorite restaurant, but the mixer is out of order. You want to make copies, but the copier is out of order. There is nothing like expecting something to function and produce only to find out that it doesn't produce in the way that you wanted it to. Many times in the body of Christ we use the term out of order to describe someone who is not functioning the way we think they should. Maybe they didn't follow the proper protocols and procedures. Or maybe they did something without consulting the "proper authorities". After all, we like things to fit in nice, neat little packages. Could it be that sometimes when we are saying things (or people) are out of order it's really just user error? I have seen it happen numerous times. Someone says the copier in the office is broken, but it turns out the person didn't use it correctly. Maybe they didn't recognize that it was simply out of paper or the toner needed to be replaced. They didn't know how to fix it, so it was easier to say that it was out of order than to consult the manual and actually find out how to repair it. That would take time and effort. Might I suggest that instead of slapping "out of order" signs on things (and people) that we consult with the manufacturer. If you feel that your relationship is out of order, perhaps you need to consult the ultimate manual, your bible, to determine how to best repair it. There are tons of scriptures on friendships, family relationships, and marriage. Before you determine that the relationship is broken beyond repair, find out what God says about it. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. He sees from a much wider perspective than we do. Maybe what seems out of order to you is a work in progress to Him. Friendships, relationships, for that matter people in general, take a lot of time and investment in order to be fruitful. Be willing to invest that time before you call it broken and walk away. There could be a simple fix.

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Adapt!

I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
-Philippians 4:12 - 13

Charles Darwin is often incorrectly credited with this quote: It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one most adaptable to change. I don't ascribe to Darwin's theories of evolution by any means, but I certainly believe there is merit to this quote (whether he actually said it or not). As someone who loves consistency and predictably, I find it challenging to write these words. Nevertheless, if we want successful marriages, or relationships in general, we must be adaptable. Your spouse today is not the same person you married years ago. Prayerfully, they have grown and changed for the better. That means that we must do likewise if we want to maintain a great relationship. John and I have been married for 17 years. In that time, we have had more children, job changes, home changes, and church changes. We have moved cities and gained and lost acquaintances. The way our marriage looks today is drastically different than it looked 17 years ago. I don't know if we would have made it without either of us adapting. God has consistently been showing me areas that need me to adapt even more. Adapt doesn't mean that I give up who I am for someone else. It means to become adjusted to new conditions. When John had a career change I had to become adjusted to new conditions. When I had a career change, John had to become adjusted to new conditions. Neither of us can say we refuse to adjust if we want the marriage to work. We can't say I am going this far, but I will not change anything else ever. No, that is not marriage. Nor is it a good reflection of Christ's relationship with us. Yes, He is the God who changes not, but He is perfect and, therefore, has no need to change. You and I, dear sister and brother, have lots of room to change. We have to be flexible and adaptable. The apostle Paul wasn't married, but in the scripture above, he offers us great advice. He said he knew how to be abased and how to abound. He knew how to be full and hungry, to have what he needed and to lack some things. What is he really saying? He knows how to adapt to the situation. In our marriages there will be great times and challenging times. There will be times when the husbands are leading beautifully and times when they need support. There will be times when the wives are effective in their roles and times when they need support. We have to adapt to all of those times knowing that we can do it as God gives us strength. Charles Darwin's premise was that if an organism doesn't adapt to changing conditions they would end up extinct -- adapt or die. Our marriages are living organisms that must respond to changing conditions. Whatever area the Lord is asking you to adapt or be flexible in I implore you to listen. The health, the very life of your marriage, may depend on it. Blessings!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Radical Surgery

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. -- Ezekiel 36:26

Surgery is a radical process. It doesn't matter if you are having a wisdom tooth or a gall bladder removed -- both are radical processes. It requires both "prep" time and recovery time. If we are going to be all that God has called us to be we will experience some radical surgery. He will remove some things from our lives. Some of them are bad things; things that would slowly kill us if left unchecked. Cancerous things like bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness. Some things are not deadly in and of themselves, but they don't need to stay -- warts, bunions, and unsightly hair. These are things that just aren't good for you: procrastination, slothfulness, and wanting things your own way. It is my belief that God is performing some radical surgeries in our individual lives so that we can be more productive and effective in our marriages, our careers, and in our lives in our general. Perhaps you are in pre-op: this is the time when you meet with your doctors to discuss your condition. Maybe God has been talking to you about what He is getting ready to remove. Maybe He has been discussing your "condition" with you, and telling you the dangers if surgery does not take place. Maybe He has been telling you to fast before surgery like most doctors do. You have to have an empty stomach before surgery so that you don't vomit during surgery which could be lethal. Maybe you are in the operating room and the anesthesia is being given. Anesthesia is used so that you won't feel the pain of the cutting and removal. Has he numbed you in some way to your environment or surroundings? Has what used to irritate and bother stopped frustrating you? Have you stopped fretting over stuff that used to send you into a tirade for days? It could be a local anesthetic that just affects a centralized area or a general anesthetic that affects your entire life. What area is He about to perform surgery on? Maybe the surgery has already taken place and you are in recovery. We often think that when the surgery is over we are 100%. Not so! Immediately after surgery you are wheeled into a recovery room. Sometimes patients feel groggy after surgery. They may be unaware of what happened. Others may still feel some tenderness in certain areas, but the issue still has been removed. Sometimes patients need days or weeks of rest to be able to return to normal duties. Whether you are in pre-op, surgery, or post-op, I encourage you to follow the directions of your Primary Doctor -- Jesus. He alone knows the specifics of your needs. Determine where you are in the process and follow His orders to the letter. He is giving you newness. He is replacing all that is old, hardened, and useless. Be careful not to reject what He has given you!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Be Intentional

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28

I am preparing for a trip, and I am being super diligent about making sure that things are prepared for my family while I am gone. I am making sure clothes are laid out for Malia (left to her and her dad who knows what she will wear to school). I am making sure things are ready for John to prepare dinner. I am making sure he has a list of events and activities while I am gone. I am being intentional about making things simple and easy for John while I am gone. I couldn't help but realize, however, that I am not this intentional under normal circumstances. Why don't I have this same diligence for the times that we are together? Why am I not intentional about preparations for the week to make things are simple for him on a normal basis. Don't get me wrong, I never try to make things hard for my husband, but I know that I am not this focused and intentional on a regular basis. Intentional means done on purpose or deliberate. We sing about God being intentional -- we want to know that He is working all things out for our good. Yet, are we demonstrating that with our spouses? Are we making sure that we are deliberate with our actions and choices so that they work out for their good. Are we deliberate with our time? Do we maximize it so that time spent with them is of good quality? Are we intentional with our words? Do we ensure that they are loving and purposeful? Are we intentional in meeting their needs and desires? Yes, we certainly know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes, but since we are heirs of Christ and his ambassadors on earth shouldn't we demonstrate that same sense to our spouses? I am confident that you are doing well in this area, but can't we all come up a little higher? Challenge yourself this week to be intentional in demonstrating your love and appreciation for your spouse. I am sure the results will work for your good!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Stronger Together!

We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.
-Romans 15:1

Today is one of those days that I realized how beautiful marriage truly is. John had an accident today and lacerated two fingers on his dominant hand. After a significant amount of time in the ER, and considerable pain meds and stitches, he is resting well. He was a trooper through several injections, multiple pokings and proddings of the injured fingers, and repeating the same information over and over. While he soldiered through there were still some things that he could not effectively accomplish. He couldn't take his jacket on and off. He couldn't sign his name. He couldn't drive. He needed my help. I had the privilege of being strong in areas that, at least for today, he was not so strong. I had to be his hands in several instances. I didn't complain because he wasn't able to do things. I was happy to assist John in his time of need. I began to think of all the areas that he is strong in that I am not: seeing big picture, problem solving, not worrying, and the list goes on and on. Maybe you are the more organized spouse. Perhaps you are better with money. Maybe you are better with managing the details of the home. Don't belittle your spouse or complain because that is not your spouse's strength. Thank God that it is yours. Then thank Him for the areas that your spouse is strong and you need support. God has united us with mates that complement our strengths and supplement our weaknesses. He says it beautifully in Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 -- two are better than one; because they have a reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Covenant Keepers, you are not alone. You definitely have someone to help you up! Let's spend this week lifting and covering our spouses. 

Monday's Marriage Moment -- He is a Keeper

You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah
-Psalm 32:7 

God is a keeper. He is a preserver. He is a restorer and a repairer. As I look at photos and videos from my hometown I can see that God is a keeper. Roads have been washed away. Homes have been flooded. Cars have been submerged and abandoned. Yet, other than loss of power and minor property damage, my loved ones are safe. Hurricane Matthew has been a great reminder that God is a shelter in the time of storm. I thought of the great keeping power of God so much this weekend as I watch my husband serve. I remember early in my marriage desiring that my husband would go to church with me. I remember praying that we would be able to serve together, and that he would develop a thriving and personal relationship with God. I remember the many acts of manipulation and foolery I did to try to make him do what I thought he should do. I am so glad that I didn't push him away. It would be easy for me to say that I have always been the perfect one. After all, I have been in relationship with the Lord for years, but that would not be true. Yet, God, has kept us. This weekend I watched my husband get up early to go serve the women at church. I watched him take a nap so that he could get back up later to check on some minor flooding that was happening at the church. I have watched him over the last few months call and encourage men to come out and fellowship. I have seen him minister to men who were lost and hurting. I have witnessed him becoming the man that God created him to be. All of this happened without my interference other than praying and believing. What is my point? God is a keeper. Even in the midst of external challenges God has not just kept my marriage, but He has blessed it. He has kept John and I together, and He has grown us through the process. It is my belief that He can keep you and your marriage as well. That is why I am so passionate about marriage in the body of Christ. I know first hand that God can do amazing things if we submit to Him. Whatever you may be facing today know that God is able to keep you. He is able to restore you. He is able to grow and strengthen you. If you and your spouse are willing participants, God is able to take your marriage to an amazing level. The challenge, if you are willing to accept it, is to cast your care upon the Lord--pray and trust Him--and leave it there. Let God keep you. Let Him be God, and you be His willing servant. He is a keeper!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Start Over

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22 - 23

My computer crashed this weekend. Note that I did not say that the battery died, or it needs a new charger. No, it crashed. Everything that I have saved on the hard drive of that computer (several years of information, documents, plans, etc.) is gone. My draft for my next book -- gone. Sermons I have ministered over the years -- gone. Letters and files -- all gone. Even a presentation that I needed for work this morning -- gone. So, I have a choice to make. I can lay down on the floor of my office and have a good old "hissy fit" complete with screaming and crying, or I can start over. I can take the new computer that I have now and simply begin again. Yes, I am frustrated and saddened by all the things that are gone, but I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Crying won't change it. Fussing won't change it. There is nothing that I can do to change it. So, I choose to move forward. I'll start the book over. I'll try to salvage documents that I have emailed to people, and then I will create new ones as needed. I'll learn the lesson that losing all that information taught me (save everything to an external drive or drop box!!!), and I will move on. Do you feel like you have lost some things over the years? Have you put lots of time and energy into something only to realize that whatever it is has "crashed"? Start over! I am sure that there are areas in your life that need a fresh start anyway! Who says that you can't have a fresh start in your marriage whether you have been married 2 years or 20 years? Who says you can't have a fresh start in your ministry? You can. Determine that whatever is gone is really gone. Pick up the pieces, learn the lessons, and move forward. There is so much life left to be lived. So many dreams left to see fulfilled. Don't spend one more day focusing on what was or what you lost. Focus instead on the opportunities that you have in front of you. Determine to start your day over. Start your week over. Start the rest of your life over. God gives us new mercies everyday. We need to take full advantage of them. Maybe your morning had a rough start. Can you begin again now? Leave the events of this morning behind and determine to have a great day going forward. Maybe your spouse said something that bothered you. Can you choose to start over with them and move forward? Whatever the case may be, you can start over!