When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall he exploded in anger, vilifying the Jews. In the company of his Samaritan cronies and military he let loose: “What are these miserable Jews doing? Do they think they can get everything back to normal overnight? Make building stones out of make-believe?” At his side, Tobiah the Ammonite jumped in and said, “That’s right! What do they think they’re building? Why, if a fox climbed that wall, it would fall to pieces under his weight.”
-Nehemiah 4: 1 - 3 (MSG)
You aren't stupid because you want your marriage to work.
You aren't a fool because you have prayed for it to be successful.
You haven't been taken advantage of because you stayed when others said you should go.
I need to make that clear to someone today. There is nothing wrong with you because you want the marriage that you had - the passion that you had, the friendship that you had, the feelings that you had. God designed marriage to work, whether you are seeing that right now or not, and it is not foolish for you to want what He designed.
Silence that voice that is saying that to you - whether it is your voice or someone that you consider a friend.
It's not foolish to put your marriage in His hands.
It's not stupid to pray for God to redeem and restore what looks lost and broken.
It's not dumb to believe that God can do the impossible in you AND in your spouse.
Even when it looks dumb to others. Even when others tell you what they would do "if they were you" (they aren't you, and they really don't know what they would do in your situation). Here is my encouragement for you today: take the time to hear God.
Fighting for a marriage that is strained is hard work. It's foolish to think that it is not, but it is doable. Much like Nehemiah trying to rebuild a wall that had been pretty much destroyed. It takes effort...lots of it, and there will be opposition. Sometimes that opposition is your own voice. Sometimes it's an external one, but either way, you have to silence that voice and keep on building.
When the voice says that what you are trying to build is impossible or will never be able to stand, you must keep on building, and with God on your side you can.
Talk more to God and less to people, and no matter how it works out, you will be at peace.
You aren't stupid because you want your marriage to work. You are a woman who is standing on faith when it really feels like there is nothing left to stand on. You are a woman who is clinging to God even when she can't cling to her husband. You are a woman who knows that the same God who opened blinded eyes, raised the dead, and saved all of mankind can do that - work the miraculous - in your marriage. You are a believing wife!
Monday, March 4, 2019
Monday, February 25, 2019
Monday's Marriage Moment - To the Wife Who is Tired of Fighting For Her Marriage
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
For the past few months I have encountered lots of conversations from women who are tired of fighting for their marriage. I have heard lots of questions:
Matthew 11:28-30
For the past few months I have encountered lots of conversations from women who are tired of fighting for their marriage. I have heard lots of questions:
- How much longer do I continue to do this?
- Why does it seem like I am the only one fighting?
- How do I pray for this marriage when I no longer know what to pray for?
- Why should I keep fighting?
I wish I could provide the answers for these questions, just like I wish that someone would have had the answers for me when I was asking them years ago. I could give you lots of scripture, and I could tell you to hold on to your faith (which I want you to do), but those words sound empty when compared to the loudness of the pain you feel. So, I want to offer you some practical advice.
Retreat - No one, not even the most well-trained soldier, can stay at the front line of the battle forever. Dodging bullets, living in the trenches, and even attacking the enemy takes its toll physically and emotionally. There is a time that the soldier must retreat - they must take a break from the battle. You, sis, need to retreat. I am not talking about going to the beach (even though that would be nice), but I am saying that you need to take a break. Some of you have focused so much on your marriage issues and your spouse that you have stopped sleeping well, stopped taking care of yourself, and to some extent, stopped enjoying life. You need to rest. Block out time in your schedule to simply rest.
Refocus - Once you have rested, you may need to shift your thinking. Stop focusing on your marriage. I know that sounds crazy and contrary for someone who has a ministry for wives to say, but I think it can help. Some of us have made idles out of our issues - yep, we are consumed by them. We think about them all day and night. We imagine what is going to happen when we get home, and we get anxious and upset before we even arrive. Shift your focus from the issue to God. Begin to intentionally thank and praise God for everything that you can think of. Thank Him that you are in your right mind. Thank Him that He is with you through this hard situation. Thank Him that He will never leave you or forsake you. Try to gain God's perspective (which means that you will have to release your own).
- Part of refocusing includes hearing God's instructions about how to fight. Fighting is not only offensive - shooting and attacking. If we think that fighting is engaging in a yelling and screaming match with our husband (or giving him the silent treatment) we are mistaken. Our weapons are not like the world's weapons. We wield our weapons with love. We don't carelessly waste our words, but we use them in a targeted and strategic manner.We fight the enemy - not our spouse.
Re-enter - You may not want to hear this, but after you have retreated and refocused you have to re-enter the battle. The difference is you don't enter the same way. You come back empowered. You come back refreshed. You come back in a position of peace refusing to let the enemy take you back to chaos and confusion. Your decision-making is clearer. Your discernment is sharper. You have rested, and you have learned new strategies from Christ (see our scripture above). Boldly carry your shield of faith and your sword of the Spirit. Christ is fighting for you. The Holy Spirit is fighting through you. There is no option but victory.
I'm praying for you, dear wife. You are surrounded by a great cloud of wife-warriors who have been in battle or are currently in battle, and we are rooting for you to win! Call in some reinforcements if you must and know that victory is yours!
Monday, February 18, 2019
Monday's Marriage Moment - I Am Not Ashamed...Anymore
Instead of your [former] shame you will have a double portion;
And instead of humiliation your people will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore in their land they will possess double [what they had forfeited];
Everlasting joy will be theirs.
-Isaiah 61:7-9 (AMP)
I am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed that John and I had lots of struggles when we first got married. I am not ashamed that we had financial issues. I am not ashamed that we had a repossession. I don't carry shame from the infidelity, and I don't carry the shame that I wasn't a good wife - I didn't prioritize him. I withheld sex often. I was manipulative and controlling. I didn't keep the house like I should have, and I didn't take care of home first. I am not ashamed.
Well...I am not ashamed anymore.
I used to be. I carried shame and guilt around like Linus (from the Peanuts cartoon) carried his blanket. I hid it behind my intellectual abilities. I hid it behind my ability to speak and encourage others. I hid it as much as I could, but it was always there...and it made me afraid...afraid that people would find out what my life was really like...the pain I really had...I think I was most afraid that people would see that I was imperfect. I was afraid they would see that John and I didn't have it together.
I wore the mask because I was a leader, and I had an image that I thought I should uphold. I hid my shame because telling my stuff was also telling someone else's stuff. But I reached a point that hiding it was no longer an option. I realized that shame was destroying me, and I found someone that I could share with. I found accountability, and I wasn't looking for it at the time, but I found an amazing amount of acceptance with God and people.
God redeemed me. He freed me and John from so much - including the things that I carried shame for above. He showed me that I am not what I did or what was done to me. For all that shame that I carried for all those years, He has given me double, and, oh, He has given me so much joy.
I'm writing this today so that you know two things: 1) you are not alone and 2) you can overcome. Shame is a tool the enemy uses to keep you from healing (and more detrimental to him) helping someone else to heal. That's my goal - to help someone else. I've learned over the years, and it was driven home to me even the more this weekend, that God uses our lives to help others. All those painful things that I went through were not wasted, and every time I share my story (and my victory) some wife can find hope and healing.
So, I now scream those things that I was afraid to even whisper about back then. I shout to those who will listen all those painful things that I once held secret. I'll tell it over and over again, if it means that just one person find their freedom, their voice, and the desire to help someone else.
Dear Sister, find a friend, a counselor, or a trusted adviser, and release the weight of shame - whatever form of it is trying to make you hide - abuse, infidelity, molestation, financial issues, depression. If you don't have anybody that you can trust, I'm here. Send me a message. Respond to this post. The goal is that you find the freedom that God so sincerely wants you to have. You don't have to hide. Shame and guilt don't belong to you. Let it go. Start slowly if you have to, but please start today.
If this resonated with you, leave a comment that my help another sister or a prayer request. We are stronger together!
And instead of humiliation your people will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore in their land they will possess double [what they had forfeited];
Everlasting joy will be theirs.
-Isaiah 61:7-9 (AMP)
I am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed that John and I had lots of struggles when we first got married. I am not ashamed that we had financial issues. I am not ashamed that we had a repossession. I don't carry shame from the infidelity, and I don't carry the shame that I wasn't a good wife - I didn't prioritize him. I withheld sex often. I was manipulative and controlling. I didn't keep the house like I should have, and I didn't take care of home first. I am not ashamed.
Well...I am not ashamed anymore.
I used to be. I carried shame and guilt around like Linus (from the Peanuts cartoon) carried his blanket. I hid it behind my intellectual abilities. I hid it behind my ability to speak and encourage others. I hid it as much as I could, but it was always there...and it made me afraid...afraid that people would find out what my life was really like...the pain I really had...I think I was most afraid that people would see that I was imperfect. I was afraid they would see that John and I didn't have it together.
I wore the mask because I was a leader, and I had an image that I thought I should uphold. I hid my shame because telling my stuff was also telling someone else's stuff. But I reached a point that hiding it was no longer an option. I realized that shame was destroying me, and I found someone that I could share with. I found accountability, and I wasn't looking for it at the time, but I found an amazing amount of acceptance with God and people.
God redeemed me. He freed me and John from so much - including the things that I carried shame for above. He showed me that I am not what I did or what was done to me. For all that shame that I carried for all those years, He has given me double, and, oh, He has given me so much joy.
I'm writing this today so that you know two things: 1) you are not alone and 2) you can overcome. Shame is a tool the enemy uses to keep you from healing (and more detrimental to him) helping someone else to heal. That's my goal - to help someone else. I've learned over the years, and it was driven home to me even the more this weekend, that God uses our lives to help others. All those painful things that I went through were not wasted, and every time I share my story (and my victory) some wife can find hope and healing.
So, I now scream those things that I was afraid to even whisper about back then. I shout to those who will listen all those painful things that I once held secret. I'll tell it over and over again, if it means that just one person find their freedom, their voice, and the desire to help someone else.
Dear Sister, find a friend, a counselor, or a trusted adviser, and release the weight of shame - whatever form of it is trying to make you hide - abuse, infidelity, molestation, financial issues, depression. If you don't have anybody that you can trust, I'm here. Send me a message. Respond to this post. The goal is that you find the freedom that God so sincerely wants you to have. You don't have to hide. Shame and guilt don't belong to you. Let it go. Start slowly if you have to, but please start today.
If this resonated with you, leave a comment that my help another sister or a prayer request. We are stronger together!
Monday, February 11, 2019
Monday's Marriage Moment - You Still Have It! You Just Can't See It!
Jesus said, “Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They’ll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first.”
Mark 10:29-31 (MSG)
Someone broke into my daughter's car. When she called me she was understandably upset. She was missing money, a gift card, her bluetooth, and other items, but more importantly her privacy was invaded. When she called to tell me this I got angry.
I told her, "They may have taken your things, but don't let them take your joy. Don't let them steal your day because of anger and frustration". Not long after this, she called me back and told me that her bluetooth was found! It hadn't been stolen, but it had gotten shuffled around so she didn't see it.
Here's my point: There are some things you thought you lost, but they have just been shuffled around so that you can't see them. You've allowed your peace, your joy, and even your love to be covered up by other stuff, but they are still there. You just might have to look to find it!
Maybe your life has been shuffled around by frustration. Maybe marital issues seem so large that they are covering up joy and peace. Perhaps, fatigue is making your vision cloudy or pain has distorted your view, but I tell you if you look for your stuff you will find it!
Don't let what has happened in your marriage, or your life, cause you to forget what you have!
Don't let anger cause you to lose one more moment. Don't let hurt cause you to live in the past. Don't let missing someone or something cause you to not appreciate what is right in front of you.
Don't let the enemy have one more minute of your time. You still have so much!
And here is the kicker: Jesus promises in our verse above that if something was left or lost because I was seeking Him, He'll give it back and then some. Did you read the verse above? It says that it will be multiplied!
Keep doing what's right. Appreciate what you have, and make the most of the time that you are given. God is going to restore whatever you've lost in service to Him.
Your job is to hold on to what you already have!
Mark 10:29-31 (MSG)
Someone broke into my daughter's car. When she called me she was understandably upset. She was missing money, a gift card, her bluetooth, and other items, but more importantly her privacy was invaded. When she called to tell me this I got angry.
I told her, "They may have taken your things, but don't let them take your joy. Don't let them steal your day because of anger and frustration". Not long after this, she called me back and told me that her bluetooth was found! It hadn't been stolen, but it had gotten shuffled around so she didn't see it.
Here's my point: There are some things you thought you lost, but they have just been shuffled around so that you can't see them. You've allowed your peace, your joy, and even your love to be covered up by other stuff, but they are still there. You just might have to look to find it!
Maybe your life has been shuffled around by frustration. Maybe marital issues seem so large that they are covering up joy and peace. Perhaps, fatigue is making your vision cloudy or pain has distorted your view, but I tell you if you look for your stuff you will find it!
Don't let what has happened in your marriage, or your life, cause you to forget what you have!
Don't let anger cause you to lose one more moment. Don't let hurt cause you to live in the past. Don't let missing someone or something cause you to not appreciate what is right in front of you.
Don't let the enemy have one more minute of your time. You still have so much!
And here is the kicker: Jesus promises in our verse above that if something was left or lost because I was seeking Him, He'll give it back and then some. Did you read the verse above? It says that it will be multiplied!
Keep doing what's right. Appreciate what you have, and make the most of the time that you are given. God is going to restore whatever you've lost in service to Him.
Your job is to hold on to what you already have!
Monday, February 4, 2019
Monday's Marriage Moment - Release Control! (Marriage Killer #3)
Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all [a]speak the same thing, and that there be no [b]divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.
1 Corinthians 1:10
John decorated our family room. That may not mean much to you, but it is a big deal to me. I have a certain way I like things. I had pictures in my mind of what I wanted each room to look like, but we decided that I would decorate the living room and he would decorate the family room. I didn't realize what I had agreed to.
He currently has floating shelves with Marvel, Starwars, and all sorts of characters. There are bookshelves of videos and board games. There is a Coca-Cola clock in the shape of a drink with bubbles and a straw hanging in the corner - a Coca-Cola clock, you guys!
Every now and then, I walk in to the family room and make a suggestion to him about what I think should look different. Some days my suggestions are subtle. Other days they are kind of in your face. Either way, he reminds me that he is decorating this room - not me.
My need to insert my opinion or have something to say about the room is showing my need to feel in control. See, even though we agreed that he would decorate that room himself I still want it to look the way I want it to look.
That's controlling.
We think control only shows up in trying to manage who someone talks to or where they go, but it shows up in so many ways in our marriages:
Control can easily lead to manipulation (where you try to make a situation work out a certain way or make a person do what you want them to do) and neither of these are godly. There will always be things that are outside of our control, and that definitely includes people. We must release the need to control and trust God to lead, guide, and protect us.
I am not to control him, and he is not to control me. We are to work together so that there are no divisions, or schisms, in our union. We are to be perfectly joined together. Am I going to let decor divide us?
So, I have a choice. Release control and enjoy peace or try to maintain control (which I clearly do not have, did I mention there is a Coke clock?) and create disorder.
I choose peace. I choose to focus on the fact that more than that ridiculous Coke clock, there is peace and joy in my home like never before. There is prayer and thanksgiving happening in my home like never before. There is laughter, lots of laughter, happening in my home like never before. It's a safe place for us, and we all need to be happy there.
I'm not just shutting my mouth. I'm releasing control. I'm not saying anything else about that room, which happens to actually be well-put together (even if it's a lot for me), clean, and planned down to the African statues in the corner. I'll release control and thank God that I have a husband and children to share this interesting room with. I'll release control and save my energy for a real battle because this is not one.
There are some things that you have to release control over. I encourage you to do it now. You will find so much peace when you do!
Are you controlling in an area? Be honest, and then release it to God. Get your heart right about it and walk in peace. Feel free to comment what the area is below knowing that I am praying for and with you!
1 Corinthians 1:10
John decorated our family room. That may not mean much to you, but it is a big deal to me. I have a certain way I like things. I had pictures in my mind of what I wanted each room to look like, but we decided that I would decorate the living room and he would decorate the family room. I didn't realize what I had agreed to.
He currently has floating shelves with Marvel, Starwars, and all sorts of characters. There are bookshelves of videos and board games. There is a Coca-Cola clock in the shape of a drink with bubbles and a straw hanging in the corner - a Coca-Cola clock, you guys!
Every now and then, I walk in to the family room and make a suggestion to him about what I think should look different. Some days my suggestions are subtle. Other days they are kind of in your face. Either way, he reminds me that he is decorating this room - not me.
My need to insert my opinion or have something to say about the room is showing my need to feel in control. See, even though we agreed that he would decorate that room himself I still want it to look the way I want it to look.
That's controlling.
We think control only shows up in trying to manage who someone talks to or where they go, but it shows up in so many ways in our marriages:
- trying to control what your spouse eats
- making subtle (or not so subtle) hints about how they should dress or look
- making decisions for them instead of with them
- trying to determine who their friends are
- telling them what to do and having a fit if things aren't done your way
Control can easily lead to manipulation (where you try to make a situation work out a certain way or make a person do what you want them to do) and neither of these are godly. There will always be things that are outside of our control, and that definitely includes people. We must release the need to control and trust God to lead, guide, and protect us.
I am not to control him, and he is not to control me. We are to work together so that there are no divisions, or schisms, in our union. We are to be perfectly joined together. Am I going to let decor divide us?
So, I have a choice. Release control and enjoy peace or try to maintain control (which I clearly do not have, did I mention there is a Coke clock?) and create disorder.
I choose peace. I choose to focus on the fact that more than that ridiculous Coke clock, there is peace and joy in my home like never before. There is prayer and thanksgiving happening in my home like never before. There is laughter, lots of laughter, happening in my home like never before. It's a safe place for us, and we all need to be happy there.
I'm not just shutting my mouth. I'm releasing control. I'm not saying anything else about that room, which happens to actually be well-put together (even if it's a lot for me), clean, and planned down to the African statues in the corner. I'll release control and thank God that I have a husband and children to share this interesting room with. I'll release control and save my energy for a real battle because this is not one.
There are some things that you have to release control over. I encourage you to do it now. You will find so much peace when you do!
Are you controlling in an area? Be honest, and then release it to God. Get your heart right about it and walk in peace. Feel free to comment what the area is below knowing that I am praying for and with you!
Monday, January 28, 2019
Monday's Marriage Moment - Marriage Killer #2 - Pride
Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before a fall.
-Proverbs 16:18
It's been destroying relationships since the beginning of time - pride.
Pride caused Lucifer to be separated from God.
Pride caused King Saul to lose his kingdom and a great relationship with David.
Pride caused the Pharisees to miss the Messiah who was right in front of them.
That's what pride does. It destroys. It infiltrates relationships that could be powerful and effective and renders them powerless.
Pride divides - it separates.
You may be familiar with it's close relatives - envy and jealousy. You can be sure that wherever you find pride envy and jealousy are in close proximity. You will also certainly find strife nearby because once again, pride separates.
How does this show up in marriage? I'm glad that you asked. Pride makes you feel like your spouse owes you something. Pride makes you feel that you are right and your spouse is wrong. Pride keeps you from forgiving and asking for forgiveness. Pride keeps score, and somehow, it makes sure that the score is never tied. It keeps you in competition and not covenant. Strife - arguing, fussing, and discord - is a sure sign that pride is in play.
Pride is destructive. It causes us to be stubborn and stuck. Maybe you have never considered how pride can be at work in marriage, but I assure you it can. Many couples have ended up divorced not because they lacked love but because they were unwilling to humble themselves and work it out.
Marriage requires humility and submission - things that are the total opposite of pride. No matter what you have achieved, accomplished, or mastered, you still have to learn to submit to your spouse. There is a give and take in marriage that means in order for us both to win we have to be willing to let some things go and not win every argument.
Here are a few signs that pride has entered your heart regarding your spouse/marriage:
And a haughty spirit before a fall.
-Proverbs 16:18
It's been destroying relationships since the beginning of time - pride.
Pride caused Lucifer to be separated from God.
Pride caused King Saul to lose his kingdom and a great relationship with David.
Pride caused the Pharisees to miss the Messiah who was right in front of them.
That's what pride does. It destroys. It infiltrates relationships that could be powerful and effective and renders them powerless.
Pride divides - it separates.
You may be familiar with it's close relatives - envy and jealousy. You can be sure that wherever you find pride envy and jealousy are in close proximity. You will also certainly find strife nearby because once again, pride separates.
How does this show up in marriage? I'm glad that you asked. Pride makes you feel like your spouse owes you something. Pride makes you feel that you are right and your spouse is wrong. Pride keeps you from forgiving and asking for forgiveness. Pride keeps score, and somehow, it makes sure that the score is never tied. It keeps you in competition and not covenant. Strife - arguing, fussing, and discord - is a sure sign that pride is in play.
Pride is destructive. It causes us to be stubborn and stuck. Maybe you have never considered how pride can be at work in marriage, but I assure you it can. Many couples have ended up divorced not because they lacked love but because they were unwilling to humble themselves and work it out.
Marriage requires humility and submission - things that are the total opposite of pride. No matter what you have achieved, accomplished, or mastered, you still have to learn to submit to your spouse. There is a give and take in marriage that means in order for us both to win we have to be willing to let some things go and not win every argument.
Here are a few signs that pride has entered your heart regarding your spouse/marriage:
- you find lots of faults in your spouse
- you are more concerned with what your marriage looks like (image) than what it is like
- you can justify all of your actions but condemn the actions of your spouse
- you think your spouse owes you something/you deserve things
- you want all the attention
- you think you can fix everything/handle everything/do everything
- you do it all yourself because no one can do it like you want it done
- you are selfish
There are many more symptoms of pride, and I encourage you to ask God to search your heart and reveal any of them to you. Be vigilant to rid your life of any pride that you find. Humble yourself, and watch God work in your marriage.
Do you see any symptoms of pride in your marriage? What steps will you take to remove pride?
Monday, January 21, 2019
Monday's Marriage Moment - Marriage Killers (1 - No Borders)
Then I said to them, “You see the distress that we are in, how Jerusalem lies waste, and its gates are burned with fire. Come and let us build the wall of Jerusalem, that we may no longer be a reproach.” And I told them of the hand of my God which had been good upon me, and also of the king’s words that he had spoken to me. So they said, “Let us rise up and build.” Then they set their hands to this good work.
-Nehemiah 2:17-18
Over the next few weeks, I will tackle several of the strategies the enemy uses to destroy marriages. You will find that you have experienced these or know a couple who has; most of them I have personally experienced as well. It is my hope that as we process these we will take action to ensure that our marriages survive every attack (and that we help save our friends and loved ones as well).
Marriage Killer #1 - No Borders!
God has established borders and boundaries. If we read the bible, we can see that He established borders for the land and the oceans (Job 38:10-11), boundaries for our behavior through the ten commandments (Exodus 20:2-17), and so much more.
Broken boundaries and nonexistent borders make it easy for the enemy to come and go as he pleases. He has access to things he should have no knowledge of because we have no boundaries.
Boundaries in an of themselves aren't bad. Borders can protect what we hold dear. They can establish what belongs to us and what doesn't. Again, borders aren't necessarily bad. It's our motivation behind having them and execution of them.
God has established borders for our marriages (we should love our spouse, we shouldn't commit adultery or withhold sex, etc.). It is, therefore, important that we set boundaries as well. Many of our marriages become rocky because we have no established borders for:
-Nehemiah 2:17-18
Over the next few weeks, I will tackle several of the strategies the enemy uses to destroy marriages. You will find that you have experienced these or know a couple who has; most of them I have personally experienced as well. It is my hope that as we process these we will take action to ensure that our marriages survive every attack (and that we help save our friends and loved ones as well).
Marriage Killer #1 - No Borders!
God has established borders and boundaries. If we read the bible, we can see that He established borders for the land and the oceans (Job 38:10-11), boundaries for our behavior through the ten commandments (Exodus 20:2-17), and so much more.
Broken boundaries and nonexistent borders make it easy for the enemy to come and go as he pleases. He has access to things he should have no knowledge of because we have no boundaries.
Boundaries in an of themselves aren't bad. Borders can protect what we hold dear. They can establish what belongs to us and what doesn't. Again, borders aren't necessarily bad. It's our motivation behind having them and execution of them.
God has established borders for our marriages (we should love our spouse, we shouldn't commit adultery or withhold sex, etc.). It is, therefore, important that we set boundaries as well. Many of our marriages become rocky because we have no established borders for:
- Finances - Do we separate our money and have individual accounts? Do we consult each other before spending money? Is there a limit to what we can spend without discussing it? How do we pay bills?
- Intimacy - Is your expectation that we have sex every night? Are there some things that we won't do when it comes to sex? How frequent should it be?
- Disagreements - Is it ok to raise our voices at each other? Will you stop talking for days because you are upset? Will you storm out of the house? How will we disagree?
Because we have no borders for these topics (and many more) we have unspoken (and therefore, unmet) expectations. This leads to more frustration which leads to more disagreements, decreased intimacy, and walls of separation instead of borders of protection.
It's not too late. You can start right now rebuilding the walls of your marriage. When Nehemiah saw that the walls that protected his home city were destroyed he set about rebuilding them. It was hard work, and he was under constant attack, but with the help of God and willing people the wall was rebuilt.
You can do the same. Rebuild your walls. It will take some work, but it is worth the effort to protect your marriage.
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