Monday's Marriage Moment - Is Your Love Conditional?

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
John 15:13

Have you put conditions on the love you have for your spouse? I know that's a pretty tough question to lead with, but I think it is an appropriate question. We have made it so easy to walk away from covenant based on conditions. It's become acceptable to end friendships, relationships, and even marriages when we feel that we aren't happy or "the season is over" - when our conditions are not met.

But here is the thing: God is not concerned about what is socially acceptable. He is not impressed by our deep, spiritual reasons for breaking covenant. He designed covenant to be forever. In biblical times, the two parties who were entering covenant would bring salt to pour into a bag. The only way that the covenant could be broken was if they could identify and separate their individual grains of salt. Sounds impossible, right? Exactly! Covenant was designed not to be broken.

Covenant was designed to be a display of real love. Real love isn't the stuff fairy tales and Disney movies are made of, and it's not just a song Mary J. Blige sang about in the 90s. Real love takes action and not just words.

Real love is with you in the good times and the bad times.

Real love is constant and consistent.

Real love is accompanied by feelings, but not based on feelings.

Real love helps and does not hurt.

Real love does what is right even when it doesn't feel right.

Jesus said that real love is sacrificial. That's what He did for us - He laid down His own life for the punishment that we deserved. We didn't deserve His love, but He gave it to us anyway.

I'm determined to display real love in my marriage and my relationships, and I hope that you are too. This week examine where you have put conditions on the love that you share and ask God to help you share His unconditional love instead.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Let's Start Over...AGAIN!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
-Isaiah 43:18-19

It's Monday, and someone somewhere is starting their new diet - AGAIN...starting to eating healthy - AGAIN...committing to work out more - AGAIN.

Is it you? Have you ever done that? Decide on Wednesday that you are going to start eating right on Monday?

I have. I've done it plenty of times. I've eaten like a crazy person all weekend long and committed to changing my diet on Monday more times than I can count. Somehow "Monday" is the universal day of fresh start.

Here is the thing. I don't have to wait until Monday. I can start the next moment, the next minute, or within the next hour. You can too.

What does this have to do with marriage? More than you think. Some of us feel that things have gotten so out of hand that we have to wait for conditions to be right to start over, work on our marriage, or make better choices:

• I'll wait until he apologizes
• I'll wait until he calls me
• I'll wait until he comes to his senses
• I'll wait until we have to talk about finances, children, etc.
• I'll wait until...

What we don't realize is that while we are waiting we are missing out on time to draw close. We are missing out on time that we could be living in peace instead of turmoil. We are putting off doing what we know is right because our pride is in the way or because it is going to take some effort.

Listen, friend, time is something that we don't have in abundance. You need to maximize every minute that you have.

You don't have time to wait until conditions are perfect. You don't have time to wait until the other person gets it right. Swallow your pride and do your part. Obey God, Sis. 

Your marriage may just need a fresh start, and as unfair as it may feel, it might just begin with you. Here is what I encourage you to do if you want a fresh start:

• Let the past be the past (I get it. It hurt. It was wrong. It wasn't fair, but if you want to move forward there are just some things you are going to have to release).
• Stop keeping score. When we keep score we expect our partners to work to make it even. Sometimes, though, we keep moving the bar. We want them to do more and more to "earn" our forgiveness or the right to start over. If you really want to start over, you can't keep score. You have to start with a clean slate.
• Do your part. It may seem unfair, but you have to do what God says do. He holds you accountable for your actions, not your husbands. Stop doing things that you know are wrong and expecting it to be ok. It's not. Get it together, Sis. Be the wife that God has called you to be.
• Love. Yep, just that one word makes a difference. Love your spouse like God loves you. His love doesn't have conditions or hoops for you to jump through, and He gives you a fresh start every day. Love your husband. Love him more than you want to get back at him. Love him more than you want him to hurt like you hurt. Love him more than you are upset with him. Just love the brother!

Start over, friend. After all...it's Monday!

Monday's Marriage Moment - An Ounce of Prevention

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
Ephesians 5:15-17 (NASB)

I had the privilege this weekend of hosting a retreat for a group of amazing wives. These ladies invested their time and resources into attending this weekend in order to strengthen their marriage and themselves. We had an amazing time, and I am truly thankful. Yet, I can not help the thought that I wish more people would invest in their marriage.

I think the problem is that we wait until we are faced with a challenge to seek help. We wait until we are caught off guard by an attack to try to get input from other wives or other resources. We wait until pain shows up on our doorstep, and, sometimes, that is too late.

Then it becomes overwhelming. Then it's hard to think rationally and make wise choices. Then it can feel hopeless.

The ladies who came on the retreat didn't come because their marriages were over. They came because they wanted to prevent that from happening. They came because they wanted to prioritize their marriages and their husbands. They came because they realize that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Consider this blog post as wisdom crying out. Invest in your marriage now. Make the most of your time. Operate in wisdom and put in the effort to protect your covenant.

Don't wait until trouble comes to your door. Don't be fooled into thinking that you don't need marital advice because you aren't having any issues. That's the very reason to seek marital advice - so that you will know how to handle them when they come. Get the tools you need now.

Study God's word about your role as a wife. Study His word about His expectations for marriage. Find godly leaders, join godly groups, or even find teachings that are sound. Do whatever you can to protect the covenant that you have been given. We would love for you to join us at Believing Wives, but we are more concerned that you get what you need than where you get it.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Pay Attention to Your Spouse!

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7:12

May I give you some practical advice today? Pay attention to your spouse. Please. It sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget, and it is a major tool that the enemy is using in his assault on marriages.

I talk to a lot of wives whose marriages are under attack. Most all of them will say that there were signs along the way and that they didn't pay attention to their spouse like they should have. I don't want that to be your story. So, pay attention.

We think that the biggest thing that ends a marriage is an affair, and maybe it is. But here is the truth - affairs don't happen over night. They happen in stages, and it typically starts with a husband or wife who feels that they are neglected. It doesn't excuse their behavior at all, but we are in denial if we act as if it is not a factor. Divorce happens because two people become disconnected, distracted, and discontent.

So, protect your union by paying attention to your spouse. It keeps your bond strong and your lines of communication clear. It makes it easier for you to see when things are not "ok" and work toward a solution. It gives us an opportunity to prevent division rather than have to try to recover.

Here are some practical ways to pay attention to your spouse:

• Listen to them - When they are talking to you give them your attention. Don't interrupt. Don't act like what they are saying is unimportant. Just listen...like you would want them to listen to you. If you will listen, you will hear them tell you they need your attention. You will hear them say they are dissatisfied with something or need your support in an area. Don't dismiss these moments of clarity. Perceive them as warnings and act accordingly.
• Put your phone down - don't try to divide your focus between social media and your spouse. Show them that they are more important than your timeline or newsfeed. 
• Greet them - when your spouse walks through the door greet them. Give them a hug, kiss, or simply "how was your day". Acknowledge their presence as important.
• Notice changes - give them complements. Notice their haircut or the fact that they are slimming down. Notice that they organized something or completed that project they've been working on for a while.
• Do something they like - get their favorite candy, cook their favorite meal, or go to their favorite place. Doing things they like reinforces that you know them and prioritize them. It won't kill you to watch one half of a basketball game or sit through that action movie. 

The point is that your spouse doesn't just want your attention. They need it, just like you need their attention. You want to feel loved. You want to feel important. So do they. Find ways this week to make sure that your spouse has your attention.

I've listed a few ways, but there are thousands more. Comment below ideas you have for giving your spouse well-deserved attention.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Girl, Get Back Up!

Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place.
2 Corinthians 2:14 (KJV)

Have you ever had something come out of nowhere and just knock the wind out of you? Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you didn't even know how to respond?

I have. A few weeks ago I encountered one of those "knock you to your knees" situations that you just don't see coming. I tried to make sense of it. I tried to figure out what I might have done to cause it or how I could have prevented it. I even tried to figure out why I didn't see it coming. Question after question came to my mind none of which I could answer.

I was hurt, and I was confused. I couldn't think clearly, so I called John to process it. One thing he said to me stood out, "This isn't about you".

That sentence brought clarity to me. The situation wasn't one that I had caused because you know what? People have free will. I couldn't have prevented it because once again people have free will. I was not the victim, and I couldn't approach it from that lens.

It knocked me down, but I didn't have to stay there.

You don't either.

Sickness, financial difficulty, family problems, issues with our children...all of those can knock us to our knees. They are hard blows, but they are not strong enough to keep us down.

Don't let false responsibility hold you captive.
Don't let shame keep you in bondage.
Don't let guilt and condemnation keep you stuck.

Girl, get back up.

We have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. He always causes us to triumph! That means we win! We may have some battle scars, but we are far from defeated. God's got this. I have no idea how He is going to work it out, but I know that He IS going to work it out.

He is the only one who can. Trust Him. Trust Him with your children. Trust Him with your husband. Trust Him with your friendships. Trust Him with everything. Then take one step off the floor.

Get up, Sis. Get up! There are a great many wives who are cheering for you. Girl, get back up!

Monday's Marriage Moment - You Aren't Stupid Because You Want Your Marriage to Work

When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall he exploded in anger, vilifying the Jews. In the company of his Samaritan cronies and military he let loose: “What are these miserable Jews doing? Do they think they can get everything back to normal overnight? Make building stones out of make-believe?” At his side, Tobiah the Ammonite jumped in and said, “That’s right! What do they think they’re building? Why, if a fox climbed that wall, it would fall to pieces under his weight.”
-Nehemiah 4: 1 - 3 (MSG)

You aren't stupid because you want your marriage to work.

You aren't a fool because you have prayed for it to be successful.

You haven't been taken advantage of because you stayed when others said you should go.

I need to make that clear to someone today. There is nothing wrong with you because you want the marriage that you had - the passion that you had, the friendship that you had, the feelings that you had. God designed marriage to work, whether you are seeing that right now or not, and it is not foolish for you to want what He designed.

Silence that voice that is saying that to you - whether it is your voice or someone that you consider a friend.

It's not foolish to put your marriage in His hands.

It's not stupid to pray for God to redeem and restore what looks lost and broken.

It's not dumb to believe that God can do the impossible in you AND in your spouse.

Even when it looks dumb to others. Even when others tell you what they would do "if they were you" (they aren't you, and they really don't know what they would do in your situation). Here is my encouragement for you today: take the time to hear God.

Fighting for a marriage that is strained is hard work. It's foolish to think that it is not, but it is doable. Much like Nehemiah trying to rebuild a wall that had been pretty much destroyed. It takes effort...lots of it, and there will be opposition. Sometimes that opposition is your own voice. Sometimes it's an external one, but either way, you have to silence that voice and keep on building.

When the voice says that what you are trying to build is impossible or will never be able to stand, you must keep on building, and with God on your side you can.

Talk more to God and less to people, and no matter how it works out, you will be at peace.

You aren't stupid because you want your marriage to work. You are a woman who is standing on faith when it really feels like there is nothing left to stand on. You are a woman who is clinging to God even when she can't cling to her husband. You are a woman who knows that the same God who opened blinded eyes, raised the dead, and saved all of mankind can do that - work the miraculous - in your marriage. You are a believing wife!

Monday's Marriage Moment - To the Wife Who is Tired of Fighting For Her Marriage

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

For the past few months I have encountered lots of conversations from women who are tired of fighting for their marriage. I have heard lots of questions:

• How much longer do I continue to do this?
• Why does it seem like I am the only one fighting?
• How do I pray for this marriage when I no longer know what to pray for?
• Why should I keep fighting?

I wish I could provide the answers for these questions, just like I wish that someone would have had the answers for me when I was asking them years ago. I could give you lots of scripture, and I could tell you to hold on to your faith (which I want you to do), but those words sound empty when compared to the loudness of the pain you feel. So, I want to offer you some practical advice.

Retreat - No one, not even the most well-trained soldier, can stay at the front line of the battle forever. Dodging bullets, living in the trenches, and even attacking the enemy takes its toll physically and emotionally. There is a time that the soldier must retreat - they must take a break from the battle. You, sis, need to retreat. I am not talking about going to the beach (even though that would be nice), but I am saying that you need to take a break. Some of you have focused so much on your marriage issues and your spouse that you have stopped sleeping well, stopped taking care of yourself, and to some extent, stopped enjoying life. You need to rest. Block out time in your schedule to simply rest. 

Refocus - Once you have rested, you may need to shift your thinking. Stop focusing on your marriage. I know that sounds crazy and contrary for someone who has a ministry for wives to say, but I think it can help. Some of us have made idles out of our issues - yep, we are consumed by them. We think about them all day and night. We imagine what is going to happen when we get home, and we get anxious and upset before we even arrive. Shift your focus from the issue to God. Begin to intentionally thank and praise God for everything that you can think of. Thank Him that you are in your right mind. Thank Him that He is with you through this hard situation. Thank Him that He will never leave you or forsake you. Try to gain God's perspective (which means that you will have to release your own).

• Part of refocusing includes hearing God's instructions about how to fight. Fighting is not only offensive - shooting and attacking. If we think that fighting is engaging in a yelling and screaming match with our husband (or giving him the silent treatment) we are mistaken. Our weapons are not like the world's weapons. We wield our weapons with love. We don't carelessly waste our words, but we use them in a targeted and strategic manner.We fight the enemy - not our spouse.

Re-enter -  You may not want to hear this, but after you have retreated and refocused you have to re-enter the battle. The difference is you don't enter the same way. You come back empowered. You come back refreshed. You come back in a position of peace refusing to let the enemy take you back to chaos and confusion. Your decision-making is clearer. Your discernment is sharper. You have rested, and you have learned new strategies from Christ (see our scripture above). Boldly carry your shield of faith and your sword of the Spirit. Christ is fighting for you. The Holy Spirit is fighting through you. There is no option but victory.

I'm praying for you, dear wife. You are surrounded by a great cloud of wife-warriors who have been in battle or are currently in battle, and we are rooting for you to win! Call in some reinforcements if you must and know that victory is yours!