Monday's Marriage Moment -- Mind Your Own Business!

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you
-1 Thessalonians 4:11

I know that the title for today's Marriage Moment sounds a little rude, but if you know me, you know that it is not. I am not telling you this as the mean kid on the playground or the sassy lady with an attitude. I am telling you one sister to another -- mind your own business! If you want peace, a sound mind, and more energy to do what matters -- mind your own business! God reminded me of this great peace of wisdom just this morning. I woke up twirling something over and over in my mind. I noticed an issue yesterday with someone who I love and respect greatly. I reached out, but I got a response that caused me even more concern. The person wasn't rude to me or anything, but I know where this road leads. I see the warning signs and flashing lights that say "stop" and "danger". I wanted to offer my opinion about the matter. I wanted to offer well-meaning advice. Yet, as I lay in my bed rolling the whole thing over in my mind I clearly heard God say that it was none of my business. He was right (as always). It really isn't. The issue that I saw really doesn't concern me directly. It involves other adults making decisions that they feel is best for something that belongs to them -- not me. I have to be careful because I will get so involved that the issue will get into my heart and affect how I see people. It will affect my thoughts about those people. It will affect how I treat people. I can't afford to let that happen. So, why would I get involved? Why do I have an opinion that I think needs to be shared? Yes, we must care for each other and help our loved ones to avoid pitfalls. However, that doesn't mean that we take on the care of others or prevent them from growing through their own challenges. It is in my nature to defend those who I think need defending or speak for those who I think have no voice, but is every battle really mine? I am a wife, mother, writer, minister, educator, friend, sister,etc., etc., etc. Do I really have the time and energy to take on things that do not belong to me? Maybe I am so busy being "every woman" and "superwoman" that I am not being the woman God created me to be. Every issue is not your issue. Your friends stuff is not your stuff. Your husbands stuff is not your stuff. Listen to them. Love on them. But don't internalize it and make it yours. Devote your energy to what God has put in your hands -- your spouse, your children, your ministry, your career. So, when something comes up at church or at work that doesn't concern you directly -- that's not your business. When you see something crazy that isn't personal -- that's not your business. Imagine all the time and freedom you are going to have when you focus only on the things that God tells you to! My quote for today: that's none of my business!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Right or Righteous?

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. - Romans 12:18

As a math teacher, I am trained to identify what is right and to correct what is wrong. It is in my nature. To be honest, I like it. That's the beauty of math: it is either right or wrong. There is none of that shady gray area stuff like in Language Arts. The thought of choosing the best answer always bothered me. I wanted a clear right or wrong. I had no idea why the author wrote the poem or what he was feeling when he did. Just let me solve for x and go on with my day. In many ways, I have carried that ability to identify and correct right and wrong into every area of my life. I often think I know not only what is right, but what is best for me and everyone involved. I take pride in it sometimes, actually. However, my being right does not always lead to righteousness. Sometimes it leads to strife. I have held onto what I think was right, or how others were wrong, and let it cause division, bitterness, and loss of fellowship. God has impressed upon me for the last couple of weeks that holding on to being right over demonstrating his love and righteousness is just wrong. If someone mistreats you, your assessment of the situation could very well be right. Maybe it is true that they lied on you. It could be true that they stole something from you. It could be true that they damaged your relationship. You would be right in your assessment of the situation, but could your response be wrong? Is your response one of bitterness, anger, or resentment? Do you speak negatively of them? Do you have a reaction when someone speaks positively about them? Do you simply not want to hear about them at all? Is there anything in your heart that does not wish them well? Seriously, let God evaluate the state of your heart. In Romans 12:18, we are admonished to live at peace with one another. The precursor for that statement is "as much as depends on you". That means we have to do our part. We have to reach out to those who we would rather avoid. We have to try to mend fences that our natural selves would rather leave broken. Do you know how many times I have had to humble myself and reach out to someone who I knew did not have my best interest in mind? I have had to conduct some serious heart checks over the past few weeks, and I have determined that I am going to love God and His people. Truly, friends, we can not say we love God and not love His people. So, I am going to treat people right even when they don't do the same to me. I am not going to hide behind the fact that I don't see them every day or have to deal with them. I am going to honestly assess my heart, and cooperate with God to do my part. That looks different in different situations, but here are a couple of examples: 1) if you have forgiven your spouse, you have to stop bringing it up -- do your part to live at peace 2) if someone hurt you, address the issue -- do your part to live at peace 3) if the mention of someone's name or their success causes a response from you, ask God to reveal what is in your heart and take whatever steps he tells you do -- do your part to live at peace. I know it is hard, but before we get into "Cheek, you don't know what they did to me", take a look at Jesus, your Lord and Savior. He is our example, right? As a matter of fact, He is the ultimate example. He was totally right in every way. When they led Him to the cross, for a crime He did not commit, they were wrong. When they yelled, "crucify Him", they were wrong. They beat Him. They mocked Him. They nailed His hands and feet. They put a crown of thorns on His head. All of their actions were wrong. You know what He did in response? Luke 23:34: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do". He prayed to God for their forgiveness. Since He and the Father are one, that means He forgave them as well. Today needs to be the day that you forgive some people. Maybe you just start with praying for them. I am not asking you to "let go" or "move on". That often sounds great, and it is a wonderful message, but the truth is sometimes you have to work through. Work through whatever is in your heart, and choose righteousness over being right. You have too much at stake. God has a great plan for your life. Don't forfeit it by holding on to what they did to you or how it made you feel. Don't hold on to "they are not right". It's just not worth it.

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Wise Woman, Keep on Building!

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.
Proverbs 14:1

Most anything worth having requires effort. Success requires that you work when you would rather be lazy. It requires that you read when you would rather sleep. It requires that you work on your plan when you would rather hang out or watch TV. Most importantly, it requires that you build. Typically, build means to construct, but in the context of Proverbs 14:1, build means that you "establish, increase, or strengthen". If you want a strong ministry, you have to build it. If you want a strong marriage, you have to build it. If you want strong relationships, you have to build it. You have to establish, increase, and strengthen it, because the truth of the matter is that if you are not building it you are tearing it down. Look at the language of the verse for today: the foolish pulls it down with her own hands. I have been the foolish woman. Yes, I have. It's hard to admit, but it is true. I have displayed actions and spoken words that tore down my marriage, my ministry, and other relationships. When I acknowledged my error and repented, I was able to become a wise woman. What about you? Are you tearing your own marriage down? Are you destroying your own relationships? Are you your own worst enemy? Those are hard questions, but our actions reveal the truth. How do we talk to those that we love? Are we loving and kind? Do we esteem them higher than ourselves? How do we discuss the vision God has given us? Do we speak with faith or with doubt? Is our attitude that we can do all things through Christ who has strengthened us or is it that we don't have what it takes? Do we believe God or the enemy? Look at this passage from Nehemiah 4:1 - 6:

But it so happened, when Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall, that he was furious and very indignant, and mocked the Jews. And he spoke before his brethren and the army of Samaria, and said, “What are these feeble Jews doing? Will they fortify themselves? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they complete it in a day? Will they revive the stones from the heaps of rubbish—stones that are burned?” Now Tobiah the Ammonite was beside him, and he said, “Whatever they build, if even a fox goes up on it, he will break down their stone wall.” Hear, O our God, for we are despised; turn their reproach on their own heads, and give them as plunder to a land of captivity!  Do not cover their iniquity, and do not let their sin be blotted out from before You; for they have provoked You to anger before the builders.  So we built the wall, and the entire wall was joined together up to half its height, for the people had a mind to work.

Nehemiah had set his heart to rebuild the wall around the city to protect God's people. He set out to do a great work, and he had real enemies. Sanballat and Tobias launched a campaign to thwart Nehemiah's plan (which was really God's plan). They came against the people to prevent them from building. They said that the wall would be so insignificant that if a fox walked on it the wall would fall. They said that Nehemiah and the Jews didn't have what it takes, but Nehemiah prayed. Not only did he pray, but he kept building! Like Nehemiah, you have enemies too. The enemy of your soul and the imps in his employ have set a goal to stop you from fulfilling your God-given destiny.  He could be using people like Sanballat or Tobias, or he could be speaking to you directly. That is his voice that says no when God says yes. That is his voice that says you can't when God says you can. Recognize that you have a real enemy that is trying to stop you from building. He is trying to stop you from increasing, establishing, and strengthening those things that you hold dear. But I am glad to report that the devil is a liar! You are a wise woman! You will not allow him to use you to tear down! You are going to build! You are going to pray against whatever would try to hinder you. You are going to choose words that edify. You are going to submit your will to God's, and you are going to build. Wise woman, keep on building!

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Not My Will

And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Luke 22:41 - 44

I am a woman with a plan. I like organized lists (and checking them off), spreadsheets, and notes. When I wake up in the morning, I review my day in my head. I write down what I plan to do and check off what I actually accomplish. I keep a physical calendar, and one on my phone. I schedule meetings and call to confirm that the meeting is still taking place. I am a linear thinker. Most of the time, I know what I want to do and have a plan for how to do it. I must admit that I love it when things go according to my plan. I like it when the sheet balances, and everything is checked off. I feel accomplished when that happens and a little frazzled when it doesn't. That's how I have felt about life probably for the last year or so -- frazzled. I had a plan. I had a blueprint in my head (and in some areas on paper) for what my life would be like in my forties. I can honestly admit that things have not gone according to my plan. Perhaps that is the issue. I had my plan. The kingdom of God does not operate according to my plan, however. It works according to His. If I want to fulfill His plan I must let go of mine. I must surrender my ideals for His truth. I have to submit my imaginations to His authority. Does this mean that He won't bring my dreams to pass? Absolutely not! I truly believe that any dream or vision that we have that is aligned to His will must come to pass. We just have to give up the right to make it come to pass our way. We have to trust Him through the whole process. That means we have to step out of the shadows when we would rather stay in our comfort zones. We have to act on His word even when we are afraid. We have to be disciplined when we would rather be lazy. We have to love and forgive when we would rather hold on to hurt and anger. We have to do it His way. So, yeah, our prayer must be the same on Jesus prayed -- not my will. We have to give up the power to choose our own actions. We have to stop asserting our own choices. Instead we have to choose what He wants. It may not be easy. When Jesus was praying in the garden He was in the midst of great difficulty. His flesh did not desire the cross. His natural body did not desire the thorns, the mocking, or the whipping. Yet, even in the midst of those obstacles, He prayed for God's will to be done. I don't know what obstacles you are facing today. It could be marital, financial, health, or family related. Whatever you are going through choose to go through it God's way. Submit your will to His. Determine that you are not going to try to make things happen in your own strength. Decide that you are going to follow God's word and His will. Find out what the bible says about your situation. Pray about your next steps. Then take them in alignment with God. Choose His will above your own.

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Withholding Nothing

Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.
Matthew 10:8

William McDowell sings a beautiful song entitled "Withholding Nothing". The lyrics say: I surrender all to You. Everything I give to You -- withholding nothing, withholding nothing. Those are powerful lyrics sang to an even more powerful God. It should be our determined purpose to surrender our lives to Him and hold nothing back. That sounds so beautiful and simple, but the reality is that it takes fresh surrender on a daily basis. It is not easy. You know how I know that it is not easy? Because we still struggle not to withhold things from people on a regular basis. Even more specifically, we can withhold things from our spouses. If they upset us or do things we disapprove of we withhold things from them. Some of us withhold communication. If we are mad at them we may get quiet or not speak to them for a while. Some of us withhold acts of kindness or love. Perhaps we don't cook for them or treat them nicely when we are upset with them. Others of us even withhold intimacy. They know if we are upset not to even suggest times of oneness. How can we sing that we will withhold nothing from God, and yet, withhold things we promised we would give to our spouse? In Matthew 10, Jesus has called the disciples, and He gave them something that He also gave to us: power. He gave them power over unclean spirits and the power to heal. Often we think of this power only in terms of physical illness and demonic forces, but I want to let you know that you have power over emotions as well. He gave you power over anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. He gave you power over a bad attitude and power over selfishness. He gave you power to overcome every emotion and withhold nothing from not just Jesus but your spouse also. See, withholding things like communication, intimacy, and kindness from your spouse until they do what you want is emotional blackmail. Jesus gave you the power freely. It cost Him His life, but He gave it to you freely. Appropriate it well. If you have been withholding things from your spouse, repent and move forward. With the help of the Holy Spirit you can live and love freely. Determine this week to withhold nothing.

Monday's Marriage Moment -- The Sanctified Wife?

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

1 Corinthians 7:14 - 16

I'll give you fair warning: this post may be a bit controversial or hard to read. I can say that because early on in my marriage these types of messages annoyed me. Anything about submission, honoring your spouse, and Proverbs 31 (that passage really rubbed me the wrong way!) made me feel uneasy at best. After all, the people delivering those messages didn't know me personally. They didn't know what I dealt with. They didn't know how I felt. Their messages seemed accusatory and impossible to accomplish. I know that they didn't minister them that way. It was my own insecurities that gave me that perspective. I was trying to measure up to God's word in my own strength rather than relying on His. It has taken years, but I can truly say that I have grown a lot. I know that every scripture written was done so for my good. 

So, I write this challenging message today to women who are or have been where I was -- unequally yoked. You and your spouse are not in the same place spiritually. Maybe you are saved, and he is not. Maybe you are both saved, but he does not seem to desire more of God than he has right now. Maybe you initiate every spiritual discipline that happens in your home, and he barely seems to pray. I have been there. I was saved at 9 years old, but I can honestly confess that I didn't live the life of a believer when I was dating John. When I knew that our relationship was serious, I promised the Lord that I would rededicate my life when John and I got married. I definitely don't recommend that to you, but God honored my request. I kept my word. I rededicated my life to the Lord. I got serious about living a sanctified life. I loved church and went as often as I could. I read my bible and prayed all the time. Yet, John did not seem to share my passion for the things of God. He occasionally went to church, and sometimes I think he only did it to appease me. I remember reading 1 Corinthians 7:14 over and over. I really mean over and over. I wrote it out. I prayed it. I confessed it. I wanted John to experience a relationship with God, and I wanted us to share that relationship. But my wanting it was not what caused it to be so. My job was simply to be the sanctified wife and leave the rest to God. I learned several things over the years that I am compelled to share with you today:

1) You are not the Holy Ghost -- I am sure that you are aware of this, but sometimes our actions indicate that we aren't. It is not our job as wives to convict our husbands, or worse, try to manipulate them into salvation. Our job is to present Christ through our words, actions, and deeds. I can remember all sorts of ridiculous things I would do to get John to go to church or read the bible. I would start asking him to go on Monday. I would nag. I would plead. I would leave the bible open to certain scriptures. At best it was ridiculous, and at worst it was manipulation and witchcraft. Don't do it! You are not the Holy Ghost! Convicting of sin is His job. Drawing to Christ is His job. Ask God to forgive you if you have tried any of these tactics, and commit to being His servant and not Holy Ghost Jr. 

2) You must be consistent in Christ -- You can not go to church and run, shout, speak in tongues, and then go home and be hateful. You just can't. It is confusing and inconsistent. You can't be nice to the folks you go to church with, and be mean at home. You can't fix the pastor's plate, and not fix your husband's. You have to exhibit Christ at home just like you do at church. Inconsistency does more damage in your relationship than you can imagine. Pray that you will be stable and steadfast in God!

3) You have to honor and respect your husband -- This is a hard one, I know, but it is what God expects you to do. You have to honor and respect your husband. You have to speak well of him. The bible doesn't say respect him when he is right, or when he does what you want him to do. It simply says honor your husband. Love him, respect him, and (take a deep breath here) submit to him. Ephesians 5:22 tells us clearly: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. This doesn't mean follow him into sin or things that are contrary to the word of God, but it does mean yield to his authority as your husband. I have seen firsthand that God honors this. He can work good out of the toughest situations.

John and I got married April 24, 1999. He didn't start consistently serving God and going to church until years later. I don't mean one, two, or five...I mean years. On this side, I am so glad that I determined to follow God's commands. I am so thankful that even though I made many mistakes, God lovingly corrected me and put me on the right course. I am so glad that I obeyed Him. It was not easy during the time. Actually, it was hard, but I have to believe that God can use my hard time to help you, dear sister. Nothing is wasted. Learn from my mistakes. Follow God, and obey Him even when everything in you wants to run the other way. Allow your life, believing wife, to minister to your husband. "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband"? 

Monday's Marriage Moment -- Remember!

I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, Who call you by your name, am the God of Israel.
- Isaiah 45:3

My message for you today may seem contrary to every New Year's message ever preached or written, but I feel so impressed to share it with you: Remember! Yeah, I know. You have been told to "move on", "let it go", and "forget what is behind". Those are all true and appropriate messages, but the Lord is telling me to remember. Obviously, He does not want you to remember the hurts and rejections of the past. He wants you to remember the promises that He made, the lessons that He has taught you, and the hope that you have for the future. Remember, Saints! Remember all the good stuff. Remember the love that you felt for your spouse when you said, "I do". Remember the vision that you have for your future. Remember every promise that God made for you both individually and as a couple. Take a look at Isaiah 45:3:

 I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, Who call you by your name, am the God of Israel.

This scripture always blesses me. I have had some dark times, but somehow God always allows me to find treasures in them. Sometimes those treasures require lots of digging. At other times, they are just below the surface. Either way, I am so thankful that He has hidden them there for me. What does that have to do with remembering? You need to remember that there is treasure hidden in you! There is treasure hidden in your spouse! There have been treasures in every dark place that you have shared. There is treasure hidden in your union! There are undiscovered gifts and talents in you that God wants to be unearthed. All it requires is that you remember who He is and who you are! Call to mind everything He has said about you -- every promise from the bible, every prophecy, every dream, and every vision! As we enter a new year, I encourage you to get clear on what God has said and carry it with you wherever you go. Write it down and place it on your desk, on your mirror, and on note cards in your wallet. Don't allow yourself to forget that you are a treasure, and God is about to expose your riches to the world! He is about to expose the treasure of your marriage to the world! He is about to bring your gifts and talents to the world! Your task is to remember the treasures you have learned in the darkness and secret places.