Monday's Marriage Moment - A Distorted View in Marriage Can Divide

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”
-Genesis 3:1

Have you ever been to a carnival? They are full of distractions, right? Things to catch your attention, and shift your focus from the path you were on: come over here and play this game, let me guess your weight, win this prize - it's easy. There is always some trick or gimmick that actually makes it harder and cost more than you thought. We can be pretty good at seeing the distraction, and even avoiding some of them, but what we have missed are the distortions. See, a distortion happens when things are twisted or pulled out of shape or misrepresented.

Like the mirrors in a "fun house". You've seen those? The mirrors are different from the ones that we have at our homes. They cause us to see ourselves as really thin or really fat; our features can be elongated or shrunken. The images they produce can be funny, but sometimes they are downright scary.

A distorted mirror causes you to see things differently than they really are, and while it's all fun and games at a carnival it is detrimental in marriage.

Want to know how this shows up in marriage?

• our perception gets distorted and we see things bigger than they are, worse than they are, harder than they are, etc.  
• the truth gets distorted, and we say things like:
• you "always" do that
• you "never" support me
• our vision gets distorted, and we forget why we entered marriage and what our goals are

All of these things cause division between us and our spouse which is exactly what the enemy wants.

He wants you to make sure that you can't see clearly. He is cunning and crafty, and he is going to introduce doubt and distortions. That's what he did to Eve in the garden. He questioned what she knew by distorting the truth of what God said: Did God really say that? 

He is going to try to do the same thing to you so that he can cause division in your marriage too. Don't allow him to distort the truth or your vision.

Yeah, distractions are deadly, but so are distortions. We have to start seeing things accurately. We must have clear vision in marriage. If you have been seeing things through one of those "fun house mirrors" today is a good day to refocus. Begin to see things as they really are, and look through the lens of God's word, not your emotions.

No more distortions!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Celebrate Along the Way!

Now it was told King David, saying, “The Lord has blessed the house of Obed-Edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God.” So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with gladness. And so it was, when those bearing the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, that he sacrificed oxen and fatted sheep. 
-2 Samuel 6:12-13

My family and I just got back from a road trip to the mountains. We had been excited about the trip for months, and we were up early on the first morning to begin our journey. We took multiple vehicles and we planned our six-hour trip with great care - restroom and food stops, the most efficient route, and how to arrange ourselves in the vehicles. As excited as we were to get there, we decided that we would take our time and enjoy each other and the trip along the way.

I'm glad that we did because I discovered driving up a mountain is not like driving in the coastal plain. There are lots of curves and winding roads, and as beautiful as the mountains are, there are some areas that are just downright frightening. As we were returning home from our wonderful trip I thought about how much this mountain trip was like marriage.

John and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage this week - 20 years! As excited as I was when we stood at the altar (I got up early that morning and thought about it for months as well), I wasn't prepared for the winding roads, cliffs, and frightening things I would face. It has been beautiful - just like those mountains - but there have been some places along the journey that made me nervous and unsure, but you know what? I'm glad that we took the time to enjoy the trip.

See, you can't wait until you arrive at a destination to get excited. You have to enjoy it along the way or you might lose hope. You have to capitalize on the great times and minimize the trying times. You have to stop every so often just to praise God and celebrate.

That's what David did on his way back into Jerusalem. The children of Israel had left the ark, which symbolized God's presence, at Obed-Edom's house. David hadn't followed God's instructions, and someone died along the way. So much had happened, but he was finally bringing the ark back. He was thankful that things were going back to the way God intended. So, as they brought the ark back to Jerusalem, David stopped after they had only gone six steps, some commentaries say every six paces, and celebrated what God was doing. He didn't wait until God had done it. He didn't wait until he made it back to Jerusalem. He celebrated along the way.

I encourage you to do the same. Don't wait until things are perfect or you feel that you have arrived. Find something to celebrate right now. Celebrate that you are growing. Celebrate that your marriage is better than it was last week, last month, or last year. Celebrate that you both are trying. The only way to eventually celebrate a milestone is to enjoy the trip. Celebrate the small steps so that one day you can celebrate a big one!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Is Your Love Conditional?

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
John 15:13

Have you put conditions on the love you have for your spouse? I know that's a pretty tough question to lead with, but I think it is an appropriate question. We have made it so easy to walk away from covenant based on conditions. It's become acceptable to end friendships, relationships, and even marriages when we feel that we aren't happy or "the season is over" - when our conditions are not met.

But here is the thing: God is not concerned about what is socially acceptable. He is not impressed by our deep, spiritual reasons for breaking covenant. He designed covenant to be forever. In biblical times, the two parties who were entering covenant would bring salt to pour into a bag. The only way that the covenant could be broken was if they could identify and separate their individual grains of salt. Sounds impossible, right? Exactly! Covenant was designed not to be broken.

Covenant was designed to be a display of real love. Real love isn't the stuff fairy tales and Disney movies are made of, and it's not just a song Mary J. Blige sang about in the 90s. Real love takes action and not just words.

Real love is with you in the good times and the bad times.

Real love is constant and consistent.

Real love is accompanied by feelings, but not based on feelings.

Real love helps and does not hurt.

Real love does what is right even when it doesn't feel right.

Jesus said that real love is sacrificial. That's what He did for us - He laid down His own life for the punishment that we deserved. We didn't deserve His love, but He gave it to us anyway.

I'm determined to display real love in my marriage and my relationships, and I hope that you are too. This week examine where you have put conditions on the love that you share and ask God to help you share His unconditional love instead.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Let's Start Over...AGAIN!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
-Isaiah 43:18-19

It's Monday, and someone somewhere is starting their new diet - AGAIN...starting to eating healthy - AGAIN...committing to work out more - AGAIN.

Is it you? Have you ever done that? Decide on Wednesday that you are going to start eating right on Monday?

I have. I've done it plenty of times. I've eaten like a crazy person all weekend long and committed to changing my diet on Monday more times than I can count. Somehow "Monday" is the universal day of fresh start.

Here is the thing. I don't have to wait until Monday. I can start the next moment, the next minute, or within the next hour. You can too.

What does this have to do with marriage? More than you think. Some of us feel that things have gotten so out of hand that we have to wait for conditions to be right to start over, work on our marriage, or make better choices:

• I'll wait until he apologizes
• I'll wait until he calls me
• I'll wait until he comes to his senses
• I'll wait until we have to talk about finances, children, etc.
• I'll wait until...

What we don't realize is that while we are waiting we are missing out on time to draw close. We are missing out on time that we could be living in peace instead of turmoil. We are putting off doing what we know is right because our pride is in the way or because it is going to take some effort.

Listen, friend, time is something that we don't have in abundance. You need to maximize every minute that you have.

You don't have time to wait until conditions are perfect. You don't have time to wait until the other person gets it right. Swallow your pride and do your part. Obey God, Sis. 

Your marriage may just need a fresh start, and as unfair as it may feel, it might just begin with you. Here is what I encourage you to do if you want a fresh start:

• Let the past be the past (I get it. It hurt. It was wrong. It wasn't fair, but if you want to move forward there are just some things you are going to have to release).
• Stop keeping score. When we keep score we expect our partners to work to make it even. Sometimes, though, we keep moving the bar. We want them to do more and more to "earn" our forgiveness or the right to start over. If you really want to start over, you can't keep score. You have to start with a clean slate.
• Do your part. It may seem unfair, but you have to do what God says do. He holds you accountable for your actions, not your husbands. Stop doing things that you know are wrong and expecting it to be ok. It's not. Get it together, Sis. Be the wife that God has called you to be.
• Love. Yep, just that one word makes a difference. Love your spouse like God loves you. His love doesn't have conditions or hoops for you to jump through, and He gives you a fresh start every day. Love your husband. Love him more than you want to get back at him. Love him more than you want him to hurt like you hurt. Love him more than you are upset with him. Just love the brother!

Start over, friend. After all...it's Monday!