Monday's Marriage Moment - To the Wife Who is Tired of Fighting For Her Marriage

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

For the past few months I have encountered lots of conversations from women who are tired of fighting for their marriage. I have heard lots of questions:

• How much longer do I continue to do this?
• Why does it seem like I am the only one fighting?
• How do I pray for this marriage when I no longer know what to pray for?
• Why should I keep fighting?

I wish I could provide the answers for these questions, just like I wish that someone would have had the answers for me when I was asking them years ago. I could give you lots of scripture, and I could tell you to hold on to your faith (which I want you to do), but those words sound empty when compared to the loudness of the pain you feel. So, I want to offer you some practical advice.

Retreat - No one, not even the most well-trained soldier, can stay at the front line of the battle forever. Dodging bullets, living in the trenches, and even attacking the enemy takes its toll physically and emotionally. There is a time that the soldier must retreat - they must take a break from the battle. You, sis, need to retreat. I am not talking about going to the beach (even though that would be nice), but I am saying that you need to take a break. Some of you have focused so much on your marriage issues and your spouse that you have stopped sleeping well, stopped taking care of yourself, and to some extent, stopped enjoying life. You need to rest. Block out time in your schedule to simply rest. 

Refocus - Once you have rested, you may need to shift your thinking. Stop focusing on your marriage. I know that sounds crazy and contrary for someone who has a ministry for wives to say, but I think it can help. Some of us have made idles out of our issues - yep, we are consumed by them. We think about them all day and night. We imagine what is going to happen when we get home, and we get anxious and upset before we even arrive. Shift your focus from the issue to God. Begin to intentionally thank and praise God for everything that you can think of. Thank Him that you are in your right mind. Thank Him that He is with you through this hard situation. Thank Him that He will never leave you or forsake you. Try to gain God's perspective (which means that you will have to release your own).

• Part of refocusing includes hearing God's instructions about how to fight. Fighting is not only offensive - shooting and attacking. If we think that fighting is engaging in a yelling and screaming match with our husband (or giving him the silent treatment) we are mistaken. Our weapons are not like the world's weapons. We wield our weapons with love. We don't carelessly waste our words, but we use them in a targeted and strategic manner.We fight the enemy - not our spouse.

Re-enter -  You may not want to hear this, but after you have retreated and refocused you have to re-enter the battle. The difference is you don't enter the same way. You come back empowered. You come back refreshed. You come back in a position of peace refusing to let the enemy take you back to chaos and confusion. Your decision-making is clearer. Your discernment is sharper. You have rested, and you have learned new strategies from Christ (see our scripture above). Boldly carry your shield of faith and your sword of the Spirit. Christ is fighting for you. The Holy Spirit is fighting through you. There is no option but victory.

I'm praying for you, dear wife. You are surrounded by a great cloud of wife-warriors who have been in battle or are currently in battle, and we are rooting for you to win! Call in some reinforcements if you must and know that victory is yours!

Monday's Marriage Moment - I Am Not Ashamed...Anymore

Instead of your [former] shame you will have a double portion;
And instead of humiliation your people will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore in their land they will possess double [what they had forfeited];
Everlasting joy will be theirs.
-Isaiah 61:7-9 (AMP)

I am not ashamed.

I am not ashamed that John and I had lots of struggles when we first got married. I am not ashamed that we had financial issues. I am not ashamed that we had a repossession. I don't carry shame from the infidelity, and I don't carry the shame that I wasn't a good wife - I didn't prioritize him. I withheld sex often. I was manipulative and controlling. I didn't keep the house like I should have, and I didn't take care of home first. I am not ashamed.

Well...I am not ashamed anymore.

I used to be. I carried shame and guilt around like Linus (from the Peanuts cartoon) carried his blanket. I hid it behind my intellectual abilities. I hid it behind my ability to speak and encourage others. I hid it as much as I could, but it was always there...and it made me afraid...afraid that people would find out what my life was really like...the pain I really had...I think I was most afraid that people would see that I was imperfect. I was afraid they would see that John and I didn't have it together.

I wore the mask because I was a leader, and I had an image that I thought I should uphold. I hid my shame because telling my stuff was also telling someone else's stuff. But I reached a point that hiding it was no longer an option. I realized that shame was destroying me, and I found someone that I could share with. I found accountability, and I wasn't looking for it at the time, but I found an amazing amount of acceptance with God and people.

God redeemed me. He freed me and John from so much - including the things that I carried shame for above. He showed me that I am not what I did or what was done to me. For all that shame that I carried for all those years, He has given me double, and, oh, He has given me so much joy.

I'm writing this today so that you know two things: 1) you are not alone and 2) you can overcome. Shame is a tool the enemy uses to keep you from healing (and more detrimental to him) helping someone else to heal. That's my goal - to help someone else. I've learned over the years, and it was driven home to me even the more this weekend, that God uses our lives to help others. All those painful things that I went through were not wasted, and every time I share my story (and my victory) some wife can find hope and healing.

So, I now scream those things that I was afraid to even whisper about back then. I shout to those who will listen all those painful things that I once held secret. I'll tell it over and over again, if it means that just one person find their freedom, their voice, and the desire to help someone else.

Dear Sister, find a friend, a counselor, or a trusted adviser, and release the weight of shame - whatever form of it is trying to make you hide - abuse, infidelity, molestation, financial issues, depression. If you don't have anybody that you can trust, I'm here. Send me a message. Respond to this post. The goal is that you find the freedom that God so sincerely wants you to have. You don't have to hide. Shame and guilt don't belong to you. Let it go. Start slowly if you have to, but please start today.

If this resonated with you, leave a comment that my help another sister or a prayer request. We are stronger together!

Monday's Marriage Moment - You Still Have It! You Just Can't See It!

Jesus said, “Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They’ll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first.”
Mark 10:29-31 (MSG)

Someone broke into my daughter's car. When she called me she was understandably upset. She was missing money, a gift card, her bluetooth, and other items, but more importantly her privacy was invaded. When she called to tell me this I got angry.

I told her, "They may have taken your things, but don't let them take your joy. Don't let them steal your day because of anger and frustration". Not long after this, she called me back and told me that her bluetooth was found! It hadn't been stolen, but it had gotten shuffled around so she didn't see it.

Here's my point: There are some things you thought you lost, but they have just been shuffled around so that you can't see them. You've allowed your peace, your joy, and even your love to be covered up by other stuff, but they are still there. You just might have to look to find it!

Maybe your life has been shuffled around by frustration. Maybe marital issues seem so large that they are covering up joy and peace. Perhaps, fatigue is making your vision cloudy or pain has distorted your view, but I tell you if you look for your stuff you will find it!

Don't let what has happened in your marriage, or your life, cause you to forget what you have!

Don't let anger cause you to lose one more moment. Don't let hurt cause you to live in the past. Don't let missing someone or something cause you to not appreciate what is right in front of you.

Don't let the enemy have one more minute of your time. You still have so much!

And here is the kicker: Jesus promises in our verse above that if something was left or lost because I was seeking Him, He'll give it back and then some. Did you read the verse above? It says that it will be multiplied!

Keep doing what's right. Appreciate what you have, and make the most of the time that you are given. God is going to restore whatever you've lost in service to Him.

Your job is to hold on to what you already have!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Release Control! (Marriage Killer #3)

Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all [a]speak the same thing, and that there be no [b]divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.
1 Corinthians 1:10

John decorated our family room. That may not mean much to you, but it is a big deal to me. I have a certain way I like things. I had pictures in my mind of what I wanted each room to look like, but we decided that I would decorate the living room and he would decorate the family room. I didn't realize what I had agreed to.

He currently has floating shelves with Marvel, Starwars, and all sorts of characters. There are bookshelves of videos and board games. There is a Coca-Cola clock in the shape of a drink with bubbles and a straw hanging in the corner - a Coca-Cola clock, you guys!

Every now and then, I walk in to the family room and make a suggestion to him about what I think should look different. Some days my suggestions are subtle. Other days they are kind of in your face. Either way, he reminds me that he is decorating this room - not me.

My need to insert my opinion or have something to say about the room is showing my need to feel in control. See, even though we agreed that he would decorate that room himself I still want it to look the way I want it to look.

That's controlling.

We think control only shows up in trying to manage who someone talks to or where they go, but it shows up in so many ways in our marriages:

• trying to control what your spouse eats
• making subtle (or not so subtle) hints about how they should dress or look
• making decisions for them instead of with them
• trying to determine who their friends are
• telling them what to do and having a fit if things aren't done your way

Control can easily lead to manipulation (where you try to make a situation work out a certain way or make a person do what you want them to do) and neither of these are godly. There will always be things that are outside of our control, and that definitely includes people. We must release the need to control and trust God to lead, guide, and protect us.

I am not to control him, and he is not to control me. We are to work together so that there are no divisions, or schisms, in our union. We are to be perfectly joined together. Am I going to let decor divide us?

So, I have a choice. Release control and enjoy peace or try to maintain control (which I clearly do not have, did I mention there is a Coke clock?) and create disorder.

I choose peace. I choose to focus on the fact that more than that ridiculous Coke clock, there is peace and joy in my home like never before. There is prayer and thanksgiving happening in my home like never before. There is laughter, lots of laughter, happening in my home like never before. It's a safe place for us, and we all need to be happy there.

I'm not just shutting my mouth. I'm releasing control. I'm not saying anything else about that room, which happens to actually be well-put together (even if it's a lot for me), clean, and planned down to the African statues in the corner. I'll release control and thank God that I have a husband and children to share this interesting room with. I'll release control and save my energy for a real battle because this is not one.

There are some things that you have to release control over. I encourage you to do it now. You will find so much peace when you do!



Are you controlling in an area? Be honest, and then release it to God. Get your heart right about it and walk in peace. Feel free to comment what the area is below knowing that I am praying for and with you!