Monday's Marriage Moment - Marriage Killer #2 - Pride

Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before a fall.
-Proverbs 16:18

It's been destroying relationships since the beginning of time - pride.

Pride caused Lucifer to be separated from God.
Pride caused King Saul to lose his kingdom and a great relationship with David.
Pride caused the Pharisees to miss the Messiah who was right in front of them.

That's what pride does. It destroys. It infiltrates relationships that could be powerful and effective and renders them powerless.

Pride divides - it separates.

You may be familiar with it's close relatives - envy and jealousy. You can be sure that wherever you find pride envy and jealousy are in close proximity. You will also certainly find strife nearby because once again, pride separates.

How does this show up in marriage? I'm glad that you asked. Pride makes you feel like your spouse owes you something. Pride makes you feel that you are right and your spouse is wrong. Pride keeps you from forgiving and asking for forgiveness. Pride keeps score, and somehow, it makes sure that the score is never tied. It keeps you in competition and not covenant. Strife - arguing, fussing, and discord - is a sure sign that pride is in play.

Pride is destructive. It causes us to be stubborn and stuck. Maybe you have never considered how pride can be at work in  marriage, but I assure you it can. Many couples have ended up divorced not because they lacked love but because they were unwilling to humble themselves and work it out.

Marriage requires humility and submission - things that are the total opposite of pride. No matter what you have achieved, accomplished, or mastered, you still have to learn to submit to your spouse. There is a give and take in marriage that means in order for us both to win we have to be willing to let some things go and not win every argument.

Here are a few signs that pride has entered your heart regarding your spouse/marriage:

• you find lots of faults in your spouse
• you are more concerned with what your marriage looks like (image) than what it is like
• you can justify all of your actions but condemn the actions of your spouse
• you think your spouse owes you something/you deserve things
• you want all the attention
• you think you can fix everything/handle everything/do everything
• you do it all yourself because no one can do it like you want it done
• you are selfish

There are many more symptoms of pride, and I encourage you to ask God to search your heart and reveal any of them to you. Be vigilant to rid your life of any pride that you find. Humble yourself, and watch God work in your marriage.

Do you see any symptoms of pride in your marriage? What steps will you take to remove pride?

Monday's Marriage Moment - Marriage Killers (1 - No Borders)

Then I said to them, “You see the distress that we are in, how Jerusalem lies waste, and its gates are burned with fire. Come and let us build the wall of Jerusalem, that we may no longer be a reproach.” And I told them of the hand of my God which had been good upon me, and also of the king’s words that he had spoken to me. So they said, “Let us rise up and build.” Then they set their hands to this good work.
-Nehemiah 2:17-18

Over the next few weeks, I will tackle several of the strategies the enemy uses to destroy marriages. You will find that you have experienced these or know a couple who has; most of them I have personally experienced as well. It is my hope that as we process these we will take action to ensure that our marriages survive every attack (and that we help save our friends and loved ones as well).

Marriage Killer #1 - No Borders!
God has established borders and boundaries. If we read the bible, we can see that He established borders for the land and the oceans (Job 38:10-11), boundaries for our behavior through the ten commandments (Exodus 20:2-17), and so much more.

Broken boundaries and nonexistent borders make it easy for the enemy to come and go as he pleases. He has access to things he should have no knowledge of because we have no boundaries.

Boundaries in an of themselves aren't bad. Borders can protect what we hold dear. They can establish what belongs to us and what doesn't. Again, borders aren't necessarily bad. It's our motivation behind having them and execution of them.

God has established borders for our marriages (we should love our spouse, we shouldn't commit adultery or withhold sex, etc.). It is, therefore, important that we set boundaries as well. Many of our marriages become rocky because we have no established borders for:

• Finances - Do we separate our money and have individual accounts? Do we consult each other before spending money? Is there a limit to what we can spend without discussing it? How do we pay bills?
• Intimacy - Is your expectation that we have sex every night? Are there some things that we won't do when it comes to sex? How frequent should it be? 
• Disagreements - Is it ok to raise our voices at each other? Will you stop talking for days because you are upset? Will you storm out of the house? How will we disagree?

Because we have no borders for these topics (and many more) we have unspoken (and therefore, unmet) expectations. This leads to more frustration which leads to more disagreements, decreased intimacy, and walls of separation instead of borders of protection.

It's not too late. You can start right now rebuilding the walls of your marriage. When Nehemiah saw that the walls that protected his home city were destroyed he set about rebuilding them. It was hard work, and he was under constant attack, but with the help of God and willing people the wall was rebuilt. 

You can do the same. Rebuild your walls. It will take some work, but it is worth the effort to protect your marriage.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Not Today, Satan!

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
-James 4:7

It's been an amazing weekend full of answered prayer and cherished moments. God has blessed my family tremendously in more ways than I can count, and I am overwhelmingly thankful. However, I am currently sitting on the couch looking like a crazy woman - literally. I have slept less than 15 hours all weekend. I had a crazy day at work, and I have much more to do before I lay down for the evening.

I'm not complaining. I'm actually sitting here contemplating how the enemy uses those times right after a great accomplishment or spiritual success to attack - to get us distracted or make us feel inferior, but not today, Satan. His tricks might have worked a few years ago, but not anymore.

I will maintain my peace.

I will maintain my joy.

It's mine. I will not give it away.

John and I completed something great - we accomplished a goal we had set for years, so it stands to reason that the enemy would try to frustrate us. He would try to distract us with little things. He would try to bring misunderstanding and impatience out of our late nights and early mornings.

But not today, Satan.

Yeah, I'm tired, but I will respond in love.

Yeah, my body aches, but I will do what needs to be done.

Yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me, but I will rely on God's strength in my weakness.

You will not win. Not today. I value my marriage too much to allow division to creep in. I value my family too much to be short and impatient with them just because I'm tired. I value my relationship with God too much to misrepresent Him with my actions or my words just because I am not at 100%.

Not today, Satan...and not tomorrow either.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Go Back!

The Angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit yourself under her hand.” Then the Angel of the Lord said to her, “I will multiply your descendants exceedingly, so that they shall not be counted for multitude.” 
Genesis 16: 9-10

I left my position. No one took it from me. I willingly left it.

It's been years ago now, but there was a time in my life that being a wife was not my top priority. It's painful to admit now, but it is true. I let the position of wife come in second, third, (or sixth) to the other roles in my life.

I was "super" minister at church: I attended nearly every event. I was the church administrator, pastor's assistant, praise team member (and at one time leader), and even Chief Operations Officer. I taught children's church and was a part of several committees.

I was "super" teacher at school: I came to work early. I took work home. I served on several committees and lead my team and grade level. I taught the highest level students, and my students did well overall on their assessments.

I was "super" Debra. I went back to graduate school and earned my master's degree. I attended school on nights and weekends while working full-time and serving at church. I had my kids in all sorts of activities and sports; I made their performances and meetings.

I was "less than" wife. My husband got what was left of me. In all my deep spirituality, and in all of my helping others, I was neglecting one of the major roles that God has called me to.  I was preaching messages of healing and hope, and my husband was feeling left out and neglected - and it was my fault.

God got my attention, and He began the process of me going back to His original plan. He showed me the error of my ways and how out of order I really was. In the process of putting my life back in order, I have had to say no to things that I would have said yes to. People have not understood and have said some very hurtful things to me because I have chosen my family first. But I will always choose them first.

The changes that I have seen over the years have been worth the pain of the lesson that I had to learn. There are times that I still have to check myself. There are times that John has to check me, but I hear him now - and I respond.

Go back, Dear Sister! Go back, to God's original plan for you as a wife. Just like Hagar had to go back to her role under Abram and Sarai, you have to go back to your role as a wife. That's where the blessing is - in submitting to that role. It's not always easy, and there won't always be applause, but that role is a priority, and God honors it. He will bless you as you obey Him as a wife.

You can't serve at church more than you serve at home. It's out of order. Period. You can't be a better employee or business owner than you are a wife. You can't be a better friend that you are a wife. Period. This is the time to put things in order. If you have placed things before your marriage, repent and get it back in order. This is the year of establishment, and we must start here.

Go back!

If you see that there have been times that you have allowed being a wife to fall in priority leave a comment. I am praying with you!