Monday's Marriage Moment - A Distorted View in Marriage Can Divide

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”
-Genesis 3:1

Have you ever been to a carnival? They are full of distractions, right? Things to catch your attention, and shift your focus from the path you were on: come over here and play this game, let me guess your weight, win this prize - it's easy. There is always some trick or gimmick that actually makes it harder and cost more than you thought. We can be pretty good at seeing the distraction, and even avoiding some of them, but what we have missed are the distortions. See, a distortion happens when things are twisted or pulled out of shape or misrepresented.

Like the mirrors in a "fun house". You've seen those? The mirrors are different from the ones that we have at our homes. They cause us to see ourselves as really thin or really fat; our features can be elongated or shrunken. The images they produce can be funny, but sometimes they are downright scary.

A distorted mirror causes you to see things differently than they really are, and while it's all fun and games at a carnival it is detrimental in marriage.

Want to know how this shows up in marriage?

• our perception gets distorted and we see things bigger than they are, worse than they are, harder than they are, etc.  
• the truth gets distorted, and we say things like:
• you "always" do that
• you "never" support me
• our vision gets distorted, and we forget why we entered marriage and what our goals are

All of these things cause division between us and our spouse which is exactly what the enemy wants.

He wants you to make sure that you can't see clearly. He is cunning and crafty, and he is going to introduce doubt and distortions. That's what he did to Eve in the garden. He questioned what she knew by distorting the truth of what God said: Did God really say that? 

He is going to try to do the same thing to you so that he can cause division in your marriage too. Don't allow him to distort the truth or your vision.

Yeah, distractions are deadly, but so are distortions. We have to start seeing things accurately. We must have clear vision in marriage. If you have been seeing things through one of those "fun house mirrors" today is a good day to refocus. Begin to see things as they really are, and look through the lens of God's word, not your emotions.

No more distortions!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Celebrate Along the Way!

Now it was told King David, saying, “The Lord has blessed the house of Obed-Edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God.” So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with gladness. And so it was, when those bearing the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, that he sacrificed oxen and fatted sheep. 
-2 Samuel 6:12-13

My family and I just got back from a road trip to the mountains. We had been excited about the trip for months, and we were up early on the first morning to begin our journey. We took multiple vehicles and we planned our six-hour trip with great care - restroom and food stops, the most efficient route, and how to arrange ourselves in the vehicles. As excited as we were to get there, we decided that we would take our time and enjoy each other and the trip along the way.

I'm glad that we did because I discovered driving up a mountain is not like driving in the coastal plain. There are lots of curves and winding roads, and as beautiful as the mountains are, there are some areas that are just downright frightening. As we were returning home from our wonderful trip I thought about how much this mountain trip was like marriage.

John and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage this week - 20 years! As excited as I was when we stood at the altar (I got up early that morning and thought about it for months as well), I wasn't prepared for the winding roads, cliffs, and frightening things I would face. It has been beautiful - just like those mountains - but there have been some places along the journey that made me nervous and unsure, but you know what? I'm glad that we took the time to enjoy the trip.

See, you can't wait until you arrive at a destination to get excited. You have to enjoy it along the way or you might lose hope. You have to capitalize on the great times and minimize the trying times. You have to stop every so often just to praise God and celebrate.

That's what David did on his way back into Jerusalem. The children of Israel had left the ark, which symbolized God's presence, at Obed-Edom's house. David hadn't followed God's instructions, and someone died along the way. So much had happened, but he was finally bringing the ark back. He was thankful that things were going back to the way God intended. So, as they brought the ark back to Jerusalem, David stopped after they had only gone six steps, some commentaries say every six paces, and celebrated what God was doing. He didn't wait until God had done it. He didn't wait until he made it back to Jerusalem. He celebrated along the way.

I encourage you to do the same. Don't wait until things are perfect or you feel that you have arrived. Find something to celebrate right now. Celebrate that you are growing. Celebrate that your marriage is better than it was last week, last month, or last year. Celebrate that you both are trying. The only way to eventually celebrate a milestone is to enjoy the trip. Celebrate the small steps so that one day you can celebrate a big one!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Is Your Love Conditional?

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
John 15:13

Have you put conditions on the love you have for your spouse? I know that's a pretty tough question to lead with, but I think it is an appropriate question. We have made it so easy to walk away from covenant based on conditions. It's become acceptable to end friendships, relationships, and even marriages when we feel that we aren't happy or "the season is over" - when our conditions are not met.

But here is the thing: God is not concerned about what is socially acceptable. He is not impressed by our deep, spiritual reasons for breaking covenant. He designed covenant to be forever. In biblical times, the two parties who were entering covenant would bring salt to pour into a bag. The only way that the covenant could be broken was if they could identify and separate their individual grains of salt. Sounds impossible, right? Exactly! Covenant was designed not to be broken.

Covenant was designed to be a display of real love. Real love isn't the stuff fairy tales and Disney movies are made of, and it's not just a song Mary J. Blige sang about in the 90s. Real love takes action and not just words.

Real love is with you in the good times and the bad times.

Real love is constant and consistent.

Real love is accompanied by feelings, but not based on feelings.

Real love helps and does not hurt.

Real love does what is right even when it doesn't feel right.

Jesus said that real love is sacrificial. That's what He did for us - He laid down His own life for the punishment that we deserved. We didn't deserve His love, but He gave it to us anyway.

I'm determined to display real love in my marriage and my relationships, and I hope that you are too. This week examine where you have put conditions on the love that you share and ask God to help you share His unconditional love instead.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Let's Start Over...AGAIN!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
-Isaiah 43:18-19

It's Monday, and someone somewhere is starting their new diet - AGAIN...starting to eating healthy - AGAIN...committing to work out more - AGAIN.

Is it you? Have you ever done that? Decide on Wednesday that you are going to start eating right on Monday?

I have. I've done it plenty of times. I've eaten like a crazy person all weekend long and committed to changing my diet on Monday more times than I can count. Somehow "Monday" is the universal day of fresh start.

Here is the thing. I don't have to wait until Monday. I can start the next moment, the next minute, or within the next hour. You can too.

What does this have to do with marriage? More than you think. Some of us feel that things have gotten so out of hand that we have to wait for conditions to be right to start over, work on our marriage, or make better choices:

• I'll wait until he apologizes
• I'll wait until he calls me
• I'll wait until he comes to his senses
• I'll wait until we have to talk about finances, children, etc.
• I'll wait until...

What we don't realize is that while we are waiting we are missing out on time to draw close. We are missing out on time that we could be living in peace instead of turmoil. We are putting off doing what we know is right because our pride is in the way or because it is going to take some effort.

Listen, friend, time is something that we don't have in abundance. You need to maximize every minute that you have.

You don't have time to wait until conditions are perfect. You don't have time to wait until the other person gets it right. Swallow your pride and do your part. Obey God, Sis. 

Your marriage may just need a fresh start, and as unfair as it may feel, it might just begin with you. Here is what I encourage you to do if you want a fresh start:

• Let the past be the past (I get it. It hurt. It was wrong. It wasn't fair, but if you want to move forward there are just some things you are going to have to release).
• Stop keeping score. When we keep score we expect our partners to work to make it even. Sometimes, though, we keep moving the bar. We want them to do more and more to "earn" our forgiveness or the right to start over. If you really want to start over, you can't keep score. You have to start with a clean slate.
• Do your part. It may seem unfair, but you have to do what God says do. He holds you accountable for your actions, not your husbands. Stop doing things that you know are wrong and expecting it to be ok. It's not. Get it together, Sis. Be the wife that God has called you to be.
• Love. Yep, just that one word makes a difference. Love your spouse like God loves you. His love doesn't have conditions or hoops for you to jump through, and He gives you a fresh start every day. Love your husband. Love him more than you want to get back at him. Love him more than you want him to hurt like you hurt. Love him more than you are upset with him. Just love the brother!

Start over, friend. After all...it's Monday!

Monday's Marriage Moment - An Ounce of Prevention

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
Ephesians 5:15-17 (NASB)

I had the privilege this weekend of hosting a retreat for a group of amazing wives. These ladies invested their time and resources into attending this weekend in order to strengthen their marriage and themselves. We had an amazing time, and I am truly thankful. Yet, I can not help the thought that I wish more people would invest in their marriage.

I think the problem is that we wait until we are faced with a challenge to seek help. We wait until we are caught off guard by an attack to try to get input from other wives or other resources. We wait until pain shows up on our doorstep, and, sometimes, that is too late.

Then it becomes overwhelming. Then it's hard to think rationally and make wise choices. Then it can feel hopeless.

The ladies who came on the retreat didn't come because their marriages were over. They came because they wanted to prevent that from happening. They came because they wanted to prioritize their marriages and their husbands. They came because they realize that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Consider this blog post as wisdom crying out. Invest in your marriage now. Make the most of your time. Operate in wisdom and put in the effort to protect your covenant.

Don't wait until trouble comes to your door. Don't be fooled into thinking that you don't need marital advice because you aren't having any issues. That's the very reason to seek marital advice - so that you will know how to handle them when they come. Get the tools you need now.

Study God's word about your role as a wife. Study His word about His expectations for marriage. Find godly leaders, join godly groups, or even find teachings that are sound. Do whatever you can to protect the covenant that you have been given. We would love for you to join us at Believing Wives, but we are more concerned that you get what you need than where you get it.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Pay Attention to Your Spouse!

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7:12

May I give you some practical advice today? Pay attention to your spouse. Please. It sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget, and it is a major tool that the enemy is using in his assault on marriages.

I talk to a lot of wives whose marriages are under attack. Most all of them will say that there were signs along the way and that they didn't pay attention to their spouse like they should have. I don't want that to be your story. So, pay attention.

We think that the biggest thing that ends a marriage is an affair, and maybe it is. But here is the truth - affairs don't happen over night. They happen in stages, and it typically starts with a husband or wife who feels that they are neglected. It doesn't excuse their behavior at all, but we are in denial if we act as if it is not a factor. Divorce happens because two people become disconnected, distracted, and discontent.

So, protect your union by paying attention to your spouse. It keeps your bond strong and your lines of communication clear. It makes it easier for you to see when things are not "ok" and work toward a solution. It gives us an opportunity to prevent division rather than have to try to recover.

Here are some practical ways to pay attention to your spouse:

• Listen to them - When they are talking to you give them your attention. Don't interrupt. Don't act like what they are saying is unimportant. Just listen...like you would want them to listen to you. If you will listen, you will hear them tell you they need your attention. You will hear them say they are dissatisfied with something or need your support in an area. Don't dismiss these moments of clarity. Perceive them as warnings and act accordingly.
• Put your phone down - don't try to divide your focus between social media and your spouse. Show them that they are more important than your timeline or newsfeed. 
• Greet them - when your spouse walks through the door greet them. Give them a hug, kiss, or simply "how was your day". Acknowledge their presence as important.
• Notice changes - give them complements. Notice their haircut or the fact that they are slimming down. Notice that they organized something or completed that project they've been working on for a while.
• Do something they like - get their favorite candy, cook their favorite meal, or go to their favorite place. Doing things they like reinforces that you know them and prioritize them. It won't kill you to watch one half of a basketball game or sit through that action movie. 

The point is that your spouse doesn't just want your attention. They need it, just like you need their attention. You want to feel loved. You want to feel important. So do they. Find ways this week to make sure that your spouse has your attention.

I've listed a few ways, but there are thousands more. Comment below ideas you have for giving your spouse well-deserved attention.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Girl, Get Back Up!

Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place.
2 Corinthians 2:14 (KJV)

Have you ever had something come out of nowhere and just knock the wind out of you? Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you didn't even know how to respond?

I have. A few weeks ago I encountered one of those "knock you to your knees" situations that you just don't see coming. I tried to make sense of it. I tried to figure out what I might have done to cause it or how I could have prevented it. I even tried to figure out why I didn't see it coming. Question after question came to my mind none of which I could answer.

I was hurt, and I was confused. I couldn't think clearly, so I called John to process it. One thing he said to me stood out, "This isn't about you".

That sentence brought clarity to me. The situation wasn't one that I had caused because you know what? People have free will. I couldn't have prevented it because once again people have free will. I was not the victim, and I couldn't approach it from that lens.

It knocked me down, but I didn't have to stay there.

You don't either.

Sickness, financial difficulty, family problems, issues with our children...all of those can knock us to our knees. They are hard blows, but they are not strong enough to keep us down.

Don't let false responsibility hold you captive.
Don't let shame keep you in bondage.
Don't let guilt and condemnation keep you stuck.

Girl, get back up.

We have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. He always causes us to triumph! That means we win! We may have some battle scars, but we are far from defeated. God's got this. I have no idea how He is going to work it out, but I know that He IS going to work it out.

He is the only one who can. Trust Him. Trust Him with your children. Trust Him with your husband. Trust Him with your friendships. Trust Him with everything. Then take one step off the floor.

Get up, Sis. Get up! There are a great many wives who are cheering for you. Girl, get back up!

Monday's Marriage Moment - You Aren't Stupid Because You Want Your Marriage to Work

When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall he exploded in anger, vilifying the Jews. In the company of his Samaritan cronies and military he let loose: “What are these miserable Jews doing? Do they think they can get everything back to normal overnight? Make building stones out of make-believe?” At his side, Tobiah the Ammonite jumped in and said, “That’s right! What do they think they’re building? Why, if a fox climbed that wall, it would fall to pieces under his weight.”
-Nehemiah 4: 1 - 3 (MSG)

You aren't stupid because you want your marriage to work.

You aren't a fool because you have prayed for it to be successful.

You haven't been taken advantage of because you stayed when others said you should go.

I need to make that clear to someone today. There is nothing wrong with you because you want the marriage that you had - the passion that you had, the friendship that you had, the feelings that you had. God designed marriage to work, whether you are seeing that right now or not, and it is not foolish for you to want what He designed.

Silence that voice that is saying that to you - whether it is your voice or someone that you consider a friend.

It's not foolish to put your marriage in His hands.

It's not stupid to pray for God to redeem and restore what looks lost and broken.

It's not dumb to believe that God can do the impossible in you AND in your spouse.

Even when it looks dumb to others. Even when others tell you what they would do "if they were you" (they aren't you, and they really don't know what they would do in your situation). Here is my encouragement for you today: take the time to hear God.

Fighting for a marriage that is strained is hard work. It's foolish to think that it is not, but it is doable. Much like Nehemiah trying to rebuild a wall that had been pretty much destroyed. It takes effort...lots of it, and there will be opposition. Sometimes that opposition is your own voice. Sometimes it's an external one, but either way, you have to silence that voice and keep on building.

When the voice says that what you are trying to build is impossible or will never be able to stand, you must keep on building, and with God on your side you can.

Talk more to God and less to people, and no matter how it works out, you will be at peace.

You aren't stupid because you want your marriage to work. You are a woman who is standing on faith when it really feels like there is nothing left to stand on. You are a woman who is clinging to God even when she can't cling to her husband. You are a woman who knows that the same God who opened blinded eyes, raised the dead, and saved all of mankind can do that - work the miraculous - in your marriage. You are a believing wife!

Monday's Marriage Moment - To the Wife Who is Tired of Fighting For Her Marriage

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

For the past few months I have encountered lots of conversations from women who are tired of fighting for their marriage. I have heard lots of questions:

• How much longer do I continue to do this?
• Why does it seem like I am the only one fighting?
• How do I pray for this marriage when I no longer know what to pray for?
• Why should I keep fighting?

I wish I could provide the answers for these questions, just like I wish that someone would have had the answers for me when I was asking them years ago. I could give you lots of scripture, and I could tell you to hold on to your faith (which I want you to do), but those words sound empty when compared to the loudness of the pain you feel. So, I want to offer you some practical advice.

Retreat - No one, not even the most well-trained soldier, can stay at the front line of the battle forever. Dodging bullets, living in the trenches, and even attacking the enemy takes its toll physically and emotionally. There is a time that the soldier must retreat - they must take a break from the battle. You, sis, need to retreat. I am not talking about going to the beach (even though that would be nice), but I am saying that you need to take a break. Some of you have focused so much on your marriage issues and your spouse that you have stopped sleeping well, stopped taking care of yourself, and to some extent, stopped enjoying life. You need to rest. Block out time in your schedule to simply rest. 

Refocus - Once you have rested, you may need to shift your thinking. Stop focusing on your marriage. I know that sounds crazy and contrary for someone who has a ministry for wives to say, but I think it can help. Some of us have made idles out of our issues - yep, we are consumed by them. We think about them all day and night. We imagine what is going to happen when we get home, and we get anxious and upset before we even arrive. Shift your focus from the issue to God. Begin to intentionally thank and praise God for everything that you can think of. Thank Him that you are in your right mind. Thank Him that He is with you through this hard situation. Thank Him that He will never leave you or forsake you. Try to gain God's perspective (which means that you will have to release your own).

• Part of refocusing includes hearing God's instructions about how to fight. Fighting is not only offensive - shooting and attacking. If we think that fighting is engaging in a yelling and screaming match with our husband (or giving him the silent treatment) we are mistaken. Our weapons are not like the world's weapons. We wield our weapons with love. We don't carelessly waste our words, but we use them in a targeted and strategic manner.We fight the enemy - not our spouse.

Re-enter -  You may not want to hear this, but after you have retreated and refocused you have to re-enter the battle. The difference is you don't enter the same way. You come back empowered. You come back refreshed. You come back in a position of peace refusing to let the enemy take you back to chaos and confusion. Your decision-making is clearer. Your discernment is sharper. You have rested, and you have learned new strategies from Christ (see our scripture above). Boldly carry your shield of faith and your sword of the Spirit. Christ is fighting for you. The Holy Spirit is fighting through you. There is no option but victory.

I'm praying for you, dear wife. You are surrounded by a great cloud of wife-warriors who have been in battle or are currently in battle, and we are rooting for you to win! Call in some reinforcements if you must and know that victory is yours!

Monday's Marriage Moment - I Am Not Ashamed...Anymore

Instead of your [former] shame you will have a double portion;
And instead of humiliation your people will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore in their land they will possess double [what they had forfeited];
Everlasting joy will be theirs.
-Isaiah 61:7-9 (AMP)

I am not ashamed.

I am not ashamed that John and I had lots of struggles when we first got married. I am not ashamed that we had financial issues. I am not ashamed that we had a repossession. I don't carry shame from the infidelity, and I don't carry the shame that I wasn't a good wife - I didn't prioritize him. I withheld sex often. I was manipulative and controlling. I didn't keep the house like I should have, and I didn't take care of home first. I am not ashamed.

Well...I am not ashamed anymore.

I used to be. I carried shame and guilt around like Linus (from the Peanuts cartoon) carried his blanket. I hid it behind my intellectual abilities. I hid it behind my ability to speak and encourage others. I hid it as much as I could, but it was always there...and it made me afraid...afraid that people would find out what my life was really like...the pain I really had...I think I was most afraid that people would see that I was imperfect. I was afraid they would see that John and I didn't have it together.

I wore the mask because I was a leader, and I had an image that I thought I should uphold. I hid my shame because telling my stuff was also telling someone else's stuff. But I reached a point that hiding it was no longer an option. I realized that shame was destroying me, and I found someone that I could share with. I found accountability, and I wasn't looking for it at the time, but I found an amazing amount of acceptance with God and people.

God redeemed me. He freed me and John from so much - including the things that I carried shame for above. He showed me that I am not what I did or what was done to me. For all that shame that I carried for all those years, He has given me double, and, oh, He has given me so much joy.

I'm writing this today so that you know two things: 1) you are not alone and 2) you can overcome. Shame is a tool the enemy uses to keep you from healing (and more detrimental to him) helping someone else to heal. That's my goal - to help someone else. I've learned over the years, and it was driven home to me even the more this weekend, that God uses our lives to help others. All those painful things that I went through were not wasted, and every time I share my story (and my victory) some wife can find hope and healing.

So, I now scream those things that I was afraid to even whisper about back then. I shout to those who will listen all those painful things that I once held secret. I'll tell it over and over again, if it means that just one person find their freedom, their voice, and the desire to help someone else.

Dear Sister, find a friend, a counselor, or a trusted adviser, and release the weight of shame - whatever form of it is trying to make you hide - abuse, infidelity, molestation, financial issues, depression. If you don't have anybody that you can trust, I'm here. Send me a message. Respond to this post. The goal is that you find the freedom that God so sincerely wants you to have. You don't have to hide. Shame and guilt don't belong to you. Let it go. Start slowly if you have to, but please start today.

If this resonated with you, leave a comment that my help another sister or a prayer request. We are stronger together!

Monday's Marriage Moment - You Still Have It! You Just Can't See It!

Jesus said, “Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They’ll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first.”
Mark 10:29-31 (MSG)

Someone broke into my daughter's car. When she called me she was understandably upset. She was missing money, a gift card, her bluetooth, and other items, but more importantly her privacy was invaded. When she called to tell me this I got angry.

I told her, "They may have taken your things, but don't let them take your joy. Don't let them steal your day because of anger and frustration". Not long after this, she called me back and told me that her bluetooth was found! It hadn't been stolen, but it had gotten shuffled around so she didn't see it.

Here's my point: There are some things you thought you lost, but they have just been shuffled around so that you can't see them. You've allowed your peace, your joy, and even your love to be covered up by other stuff, but they are still there. You just might have to look to find it!

Maybe your life has been shuffled around by frustration. Maybe marital issues seem so large that they are covering up joy and peace. Perhaps, fatigue is making your vision cloudy or pain has distorted your view, but I tell you if you look for your stuff you will find it!

Don't let what has happened in your marriage, or your life, cause you to forget what you have!

Don't let anger cause you to lose one more moment. Don't let hurt cause you to live in the past. Don't let missing someone or something cause you to not appreciate what is right in front of you.

Don't let the enemy have one more minute of your time. You still have so much!

And here is the kicker: Jesus promises in our verse above that if something was left or lost because I was seeking Him, He'll give it back and then some. Did you read the verse above? It says that it will be multiplied!

Keep doing what's right. Appreciate what you have, and make the most of the time that you are given. God is going to restore whatever you've lost in service to Him.

Your job is to hold on to what you already have!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Release Control! (Marriage Killer #3)

Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all [a]speak the same thing, and that there be no [b]divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.
1 Corinthians 1:10

John decorated our family room. That may not mean much to you, but it is a big deal to me. I have a certain way I like things. I had pictures in my mind of what I wanted each room to look like, but we decided that I would decorate the living room and he would decorate the family room. I didn't realize what I had agreed to.

He currently has floating shelves with Marvel, Starwars, and all sorts of characters. There are bookshelves of videos and board games. There is a Coca-Cola clock in the shape of a drink with bubbles and a straw hanging in the corner - a Coca-Cola clock, you guys!

Every now and then, I walk in to the family room and make a suggestion to him about what I think should look different. Some days my suggestions are subtle. Other days they are kind of in your face. Either way, he reminds me that he is decorating this room - not me.

My need to insert my opinion or have something to say about the room is showing my need to feel in control. See, even though we agreed that he would decorate that room himself I still want it to look the way I want it to look.

That's controlling.

We think control only shows up in trying to manage who someone talks to or where they go, but it shows up in so many ways in our marriages:

• trying to control what your spouse eats
• making subtle (or not so subtle) hints about how they should dress or look
• making decisions for them instead of with them
• trying to determine who their friends are
• telling them what to do and having a fit if things aren't done your way

Control can easily lead to manipulation (where you try to make a situation work out a certain way or make a person do what you want them to do) and neither of these are godly. There will always be things that are outside of our control, and that definitely includes people. We must release the need to control and trust God to lead, guide, and protect us.

I am not to control him, and he is not to control me. We are to work together so that there are no divisions, or schisms, in our union. We are to be perfectly joined together. Am I going to let decor divide us?

So, I have a choice. Release control and enjoy peace or try to maintain control (which I clearly do not have, did I mention there is a Coke clock?) and create disorder.

I choose peace. I choose to focus on the fact that more than that ridiculous Coke clock, there is peace and joy in my home like never before. There is prayer and thanksgiving happening in my home like never before. There is laughter, lots of laughter, happening in my home like never before. It's a safe place for us, and we all need to be happy there.

I'm not just shutting my mouth. I'm releasing control. I'm not saying anything else about that room, which happens to actually be well-put together (even if it's a lot for me), clean, and planned down to the African statues in the corner. I'll release control and thank God that I have a husband and children to share this interesting room with. I'll release control and save my energy for a real battle because this is not one.

There are some things that you have to release control over. I encourage you to do it now. You will find so much peace when you do!



Are you controlling in an area? Be honest, and then release it to God. Get your heart right about it and walk in peace. Feel free to comment what the area is below knowing that I am praying for and with you!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Marriage Killer #2 - Pride

Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before a fall.
-Proverbs 16:18

It's been destroying relationships since the beginning of time - pride.

Pride caused Lucifer to be separated from God.
Pride caused King Saul to lose his kingdom and a great relationship with David.
Pride caused the Pharisees to miss the Messiah who was right in front of them.

That's what pride does. It destroys. It infiltrates relationships that could be powerful and effective and renders them powerless.

Pride divides - it separates.

You may be familiar with it's close relatives - envy and jealousy. You can be sure that wherever you find pride envy and jealousy are in close proximity. You will also certainly find strife nearby because once again, pride separates.

How does this show up in marriage? I'm glad that you asked. Pride makes you feel like your spouse owes you something. Pride makes you feel that you are right and your spouse is wrong. Pride keeps you from forgiving and asking for forgiveness. Pride keeps score, and somehow, it makes sure that the score is never tied. It keeps you in competition and not covenant. Strife - arguing, fussing, and discord - is a sure sign that pride is in play.

Pride is destructive. It causes us to be stubborn and stuck. Maybe you have never considered how pride can be at work in  marriage, but I assure you it can. Many couples have ended up divorced not because they lacked love but because they were unwilling to humble themselves and work it out.

Marriage requires humility and submission - things that are the total opposite of pride. No matter what you have achieved, accomplished, or mastered, you still have to learn to submit to your spouse. There is a give and take in marriage that means in order for us both to win we have to be willing to let some things go and not win every argument.

Here are a few signs that pride has entered your heart regarding your spouse/marriage:

• you find lots of faults in your spouse
• you are more concerned with what your marriage looks like (image) than what it is like
• you can justify all of your actions but condemn the actions of your spouse
• you think your spouse owes you something/you deserve things
• you want all the attention
• you think you can fix everything/handle everything/do everything
• you do it all yourself because no one can do it like you want it done
• you are selfish

There are many more symptoms of pride, and I encourage you to ask God to search your heart and reveal any of them to you. Be vigilant to rid your life of any pride that you find. Humble yourself, and watch God work in your marriage.

Do you see any symptoms of pride in your marriage? What steps will you take to remove pride?

Monday's Marriage Moment - Marriage Killers (1 - No Borders)

Then I said to them, “You see the distress that we are in, how Jerusalem lies waste, and its gates are burned with fire. Come and let us build the wall of Jerusalem, that we may no longer be a reproach.” And I told them of the hand of my God which had been good upon me, and also of the king’s words that he had spoken to me. So they said, “Let us rise up and build.” Then they set their hands to this good work.
-Nehemiah 2:17-18

Over the next few weeks, I will tackle several of the strategies the enemy uses to destroy marriages. You will find that you have experienced these or know a couple who has; most of them I have personally experienced as well. It is my hope that as we process these we will take action to ensure that our marriages survive every attack (and that we help save our friends and loved ones as well).

Marriage Killer #1 - No Borders!
God has established borders and boundaries. If we read the bible, we can see that He established borders for the land and the oceans (Job 38:10-11), boundaries for our behavior through the ten commandments (Exodus 20:2-17), and so much more.

Broken boundaries and nonexistent borders make it easy for the enemy to come and go as he pleases. He has access to things he should have no knowledge of because we have no boundaries.

Boundaries in an of themselves aren't bad. Borders can protect what we hold dear. They can establish what belongs to us and what doesn't. Again, borders aren't necessarily bad. It's our motivation behind having them and execution of them.

God has established borders for our marriages (we should love our spouse, we shouldn't commit adultery or withhold sex, etc.). It is, therefore, important that we set boundaries as well. Many of our marriages become rocky because we have no established borders for:

• Finances - Do we separate our money and have individual accounts? Do we consult each other before spending money? Is there a limit to what we can spend without discussing it? How do we pay bills?
• Intimacy - Is your expectation that we have sex every night? Are there some things that we won't do when it comes to sex? How frequent should it be? 
• Disagreements - Is it ok to raise our voices at each other? Will you stop talking for days because you are upset? Will you storm out of the house? How will we disagree?

Because we have no borders for these topics (and many more) we have unspoken (and therefore, unmet) expectations. This leads to more frustration which leads to more disagreements, decreased intimacy, and walls of separation instead of borders of protection.

It's not too late. You can start right now rebuilding the walls of your marriage. When Nehemiah saw that the walls that protected his home city were destroyed he set about rebuilding them. It was hard work, and he was under constant attack, but with the help of God and willing people the wall was rebuilt. 

You can do the same. Rebuild your walls. It will take some work, but it is worth the effort to protect your marriage.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Not Today, Satan!

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
-James 4:7

It's been an amazing weekend full of answered prayer and cherished moments. God has blessed my family tremendously in more ways than I can count, and I am overwhelmingly thankful. However, I am currently sitting on the couch looking like a crazy woman - literally. I have slept less than 15 hours all weekend. I had a crazy day at work, and I have much more to do before I lay down for the evening.

I'm not complaining. I'm actually sitting here contemplating how the enemy uses those times right after a great accomplishment or spiritual success to attack - to get us distracted or make us feel inferior, but not today, Satan. His tricks might have worked a few years ago, but not anymore.

I will maintain my peace.

I will maintain my joy.

It's mine. I will not give it away.

John and I completed something great - we accomplished a goal we had set for years, so it stands to reason that the enemy would try to frustrate us. He would try to distract us with little things. He would try to bring misunderstanding and impatience out of our late nights and early mornings.

But not today, Satan.

Yeah, I'm tired, but I will respond in love.

Yeah, my body aches, but I will do what needs to be done.

Yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me, but I will rely on God's strength in my weakness.

You will not win. Not today. I value my marriage too much to allow division to creep in. I value my family too much to be short and impatient with them just because I'm tired. I value my relationship with God too much to misrepresent Him with my actions or my words just because I am not at 100%.

Not today, Satan...and not tomorrow either.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Go Back!

The Angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit yourself under her hand.” Then the Angel of the Lord said to her, “I will multiply your descendants exceedingly, so that they shall not be counted for multitude.” 
Genesis 16: 9-10

I left my position. No one took it from me. I willingly left it.

It's been years ago now, but there was a time in my life that being a wife was not my top priority. It's painful to admit now, but it is true. I let the position of wife come in second, third, (or sixth) to the other roles in my life.

I was "super" minister at church: I attended nearly every event. I was the church administrator, pastor's assistant, praise team member (and at one time leader), and even Chief Operations Officer. I taught children's church and was a part of several committees.

I was "super" teacher at school: I came to work early. I took work home. I served on several committees and lead my team and grade level. I taught the highest level students, and my students did well overall on their assessments.

I was "super" Debra. I went back to graduate school and earned my master's degree. I attended school on nights and weekends while working full-time and serving at church. I had my kids in all sorts of activities and sports; I made their performances and meetings.

I was "less than" wife. My husband got what was left of me. In all my deep spirituality, and in all of my helping others, I was neglecting one of the major roles that God has called me to.  I was preaching messages of healing and hope, and my husband was feeling left out and neglected - and it was my fault.

God got my attention, and He began the process of me going back to His original plan. He showed me the error of my ways and how out of order I really was. In the process of putting my life back in order, I have had to say no to things that I would have said yes to. People have not understood and have said some very hurtful things to me because I have chosen my family first. But I will always choose them first.

The changes that I have seen over the years have been worth the pain of the lesson that I had to learn. There are times that I still have to check myself. There are times that John has to check me, but I hear him now - and I respond.

Go back, Dear Sister! Go back, to God's original plan for you as a wife. Just like Hagar had to go back to her role under Abram and Sarai, you have to go back to your role as a wife. That's where the blessing is - in submitting to that role. It's not always easy, and there won't always be applause, but that role is a priority, and God honors it. He will bless you as you obey Him as a wife.

You can't serve at church more than you serve at home. It's out of order. Period. You can't be a better employee or business owner than you are a wife. You can't be a better friend that you are a wife. Period. This is the time to put things in order. If you have placed things before your marriage, repent and get it back in order. This is the year of establishment, and we must start here.

Go back!

If you see that there have been times that you have allowed being a wife to fall in priority leave a comment. I am praying with you!