Monday's Marriage Moment - Marital PTSD? It's a Thing.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

He didn't answer my phone call. Is he with someone else?

He called in to work. Is he going to quit his job again?

His work hours have been cut. Are we going to be broke again?

He's hanging out with those same friends again. Is he going to start drinking again? smoking again? gambling again?

He's on his computer a lot. Is he looking at pornography again?

There are some things that happen in our marriage that are so traumatic that it's almost like we got stuck there. We may move past them, but it can be difficult to get over them. Once the initial event occurs we can forgive and love, but every now and then a behavior, an action, can trigger emotions that put us back in the place of the original event.

In psychology, this condition is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Most often, we hear about it with veterans, people who have witnessed murders or violent crimes, or people who have experienced those type of life-altering conditions. Today, I submit to you that it can happen in our marriages as well. There are many life-altering events that can be faced in a marriage. For example, a person that has experienced financial distress because a partner quit their job of got fired can be traumatized. A person who catches their spouse having an affair can be traumatized. A person who suffers because their partner abuses drugs or alcohol can be traumatized.

These are all life-changing events, and long after the event happens, if a person doesn't heal properly, they can still feel the effects. Even when you have recovered financially, ended the illicit relationship, or stopped using drugs something can trigger a person to relive the initial even all over again. 

According to the Mayo Clinic (More Information Here), here are a few symptoms of PTSD:

• reliving the traumatic event as if it is happening again
• emotional distress or physical reaction to something that reminds you of the traumatic event
• trying to avoid thinking/talking about the traumatic event
• avoiding places that remind you of the traumatic event
• feeling detached/or emotionally numb
• always being on guard
• irritability, angry outbursts, aggressive behavior
• overwhelming guilt or shame

What I realize about PTSD is that it is based in fear. It presents a situation that is currently not reality and makes you feel all the emotions as if it was real. The enemy uses this fear to make us angry with our spouses and mistreat them because we are stuck in an event that happened 1, 5, 10, or 20 years ago. The initial event was real, but he wants us to keep reliving it and sinking further in shame, anger, bitterness, and depression. He wants us to destroy our own marriages because we refuse to acknowledge where we are and get the healing that we need.

Just like there are natural steps to combat PTSD, I believe that God has spiritual steps to heal you. The first step is realizing that this is what is happening: acknowledge that you are reliving a past situation and it is affecting your life and your marriage. Then go very quickly to God. He can deliver you from fear and the torment that comes with it. His perfect love can cast out fear. He can heal your heart. He can heal your emotions. He can set you free from your past. He may lead you to a person or a resource for help. Don't let your pride keep you stuck! Accept the help God gives you and refuse to keep reliving old hurts, wounds, and offenses.

Do any of the symptoms of PTSD resonate with you? If so, which ones? Feel free to send me a reply so that I can be in prayer with you.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Why is Marriage Hard?

And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”
-Genesis 2:23

Marriage is hard work! I have heard this statement more times than I can count, and to some degree it's true. Marriage is challenging. The process of merging two independent lives into one is not simple. Sharing your life with someone every day is not easy, but sometimes I think we make it harder than it has to be. So, why is marriage hard for us?

                                       

Here are my thoughts:

We believe the lie: Many of us fall into the trap of believing that marriage is a fairy tale - Prince Charming sweeps us off of our feet and we live happily ever after. We recite our vows at the altar, feel the goosebumps and ooey-gooey feelings, and think that is all that marriage is. The Cinderella and Snow White version of marriage doesn't show them taking care of the prince when he is sick, the sleepless nights of having a newborn, or the disagreements that are inevitable in marriage. Love is more than emotional feelings, and marriage is much more than a ceremony.

We refuse to change: "I was like this when we got married, and it wasn't a problem". I've heard so many people say that as an excuse for not changing. If a child kept the same behaviors from the time they were born until they became a teenager we would say that they were underdeveloped and get help for them. Why, then, is it ok if we don't change? It's not. We must mature in our faith, our reactions, our responses, and our words. God doesn't change, but he expects us to "be transformed by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2) on a consistent basis. We have to grow up.

We try to change our spouse: We don't want to change, but we sure do want our spouses to change. We can list all the areas that they need to grow and change in without batting an eye, and we think that it is our job to make it happen. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's not our job to change our husbands. It's our job to love them and be a good example for them. It's the Holy Spirit's job to change them. We have to stop trying to manipulate, argue, and force them to do things the way we think they should even though we say great potential in them. We must use our influence to win them without trying to be their mother, pastor, or God in their life.

We forget God: As much as we love God, we sometimes forget that marriage was His idea in the first place. In the heat of emotion or pain we let our feelings lead instead of our faith. We run to our friends, family, and others who will listen and forget to listen for what God is saying. He has an answer for every problem that we face. He has a plan for you as a wife. He has instructions for you. We take unnecessary trips around our mountains we don't stop and ask God for direction.

Marriage can be challenging, but it is a lot like being a disciple of Christ. Once we take the initial step of saying "I do" to Christ, we live the rest of our lives letting go of our selfish ways and embracing His way. It takes a lot of saying no to our feelings, and that can be difficult. We have to unlearn ways that we have practiced for years in order to live a better life in Christ. Marriage is the same. We have to let go of our independent lifestyle for a life that is better shared with our spouse. As we choose God's way it gets easier and easier as the years go by.

Marriage can be hard, but it doesn't have to be. Choose God's way and watch your path get smoother. In what ways do you think marriage is hard? What advice would you give someone to make it easier?

Monday's Marriage Moment - Play Your Position

Turning his head, Peter noticed the disciple Jesus loved following right behind. When Peter noticed him, he asked Jesus, “Master, what’s going to happen to him?”

Jesus said, “If I want him to live until I come again, what’s that to you? You—follow me.”
-John 21:20-22

God gave us a powerful and encouraging message last week - We shall, surely, without fail, recover all! Many of us gained strength and hope from that message. I hope it blessed you because this week, God wants me to deliver a challenging truth: play your position!

It can be tempting during hard times in our marriage to focus on what our spouse is (or is not) doing. We want things to be fair, right? If God is correcting me, I want Him to correct my husband, right? Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair: It's not fair that I have to change. It's not fair that I have to forgive. It's not fair that I have to do what's right.

Here's the truth: God hasn't called you to fair. He has called you to holiness. He has called you to live a life that pleases Him. He has called you to represent Him in the earth and in your house. He has called you to be an agent of change. He has called you to play your position.

Consider me your coach today. Just like an athletic coach cautions the players to focus on their role, I'm cautioning you to focus on yours. In football, you can't act like a quarterback if you are actually a running back. The team needs you to play your role so that the quarterback can get the ball to you and you can run a play. When you are out of position you are a detriment to the team and could cost them the game.

PLAY YOUR POSITION!

Take your eyes off of what your spouse is doing. Let God deal with him. Trust me. He will. You focus on your role. Learn the ins and outs of what you are supposed to do as a wife and do that. Keep going back to the Ultimate Coach - God - to find out what play He wants you to run next.

Does He want you to play an offensive role (in which you have the ball and your job is to move it toward scoring)? Does He want you to play defense (take a stand and refuse to allow the enemy to get the ball)? Does He want you to run? Does He want you to take a knee?

It's time for you to play your position. Put your husband in God's hands. Trust that God will speak to him about his behavior, his words, or his actions. Don't try to play his position. Simply play yours.

Monday's Marriage Moment - You Can Recover (Even From That)!

So David inquired of the Lord, saying, “Shall I pursue this troop? Shall I overtake them?” 
And He answered him, “Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them and without fail recover all.”
-1 Samuel 30:8

There is nothing that you face in your marriage that you can't recover from. Did you hear me? NOTHING. I know that can seem hard to believe in the moment, but I am telling you what I know, not what I heard. You can recover from it all. Adultery. Mistreatment. Miscommunication. Distrust. Hurt. Cold-heartedness. Financial issues. Anything that the enemy has sent to destroy you and your marriage. God's plan is so much bigger than any of those things, and you can recover from them all.

Perhaps your marriage has been in a hard place. Maybe you are struggling to even hold on to hope. Can I encourage you today that you can recover? In 1 Samuel 30, David and his men return to Ziklag after trying unsuccessfully to join with the Philistine army. When they get there they find the city burned and their wives and children taken captive. To make matters worse, David's men are so distressed that they want to stone David to death. Talk about a hard place! He literally has nothing but his life, and the men are threatening to take that.

Can you imagine the despair David felt? Can you imagine the hopelessness? Everything that mattered to him was gone - his wives, his people, and all that he had acquired. David could have sat right there and let them stone him. He could have balled up in a heap in the middle of the city and cried or screamed. But somehow, he chose something different. The bible says that David "strengthened himself in the Lord his God"!

That's what I want you to do. Encourage yourself in the Lord. Like me, you may have felt like getting in bed and not getting out or giving up on the marriage you prayed for, but I want you to know that this is not too hard for God. Remind yourself that God did not bring you this far to leave you. Remember that His promises are yes and amen, and even though it may look like the enemy is winning HE IS NOT! He has been defeated. Strengthen yourself and get up again!

David sought the Lord and asked Him this question, "Shall I pursue this troop? Shall I overtake them?" I want you to ask God the same question. Shall I pursue this? Shall I overtake the enemy that is coming against my marriage? In most instances I believe that God will respond to you just like He did to David, “Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them and without fail recover all.”

He told David to go get his family back! Go get his stuff back, and I believe that is what He is saying to you! Go get your marriage back! Pursue! You shall surely - without fail - recover all!

Get it all back! Your joy, your peace, your passion - go get it all. That's what recover means - find or regain possession of; restore to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. I believe that someone who reads this today will be restored to their original state! I believe that where the enemy came in and sowed chaos, discord, coldness, and bitterness, God is going to cause you to recover everything He designed for you originally! He's going to restore your relationship to health, strength, and wholeness.

Pursue, Dear Friend, for you shall WITHOUT FAIL RECOVER ALL!!!

I believe that you can recover, but you need to believe it as well. Will you just type "amen" or "I will recover" in the comments as an act of faith so that I can join in prayer with you for full recovery? I can't wait to see God work!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Get in Position!

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.
-1 Peter 3:1

I will never stop telling you that you have power! As a wife, God has given you tremendous power and influence with your husband. Your conduct...your words...your life will either draw him closer to Christ or push him further away. Take a moment to read that last sentence again. Your conduct draws him or pushes him away. That power lies in you.

You can use your influence like Jezebel who was controlling and manipulative and ultimately caused her husband destruction. You can use your influence like Delilah, who was manipulative and deceptive and sweet-talked Samson into his destruction as well. Or, you can choose to be a blessing to your husband like Mary was to Joseph or Abigail was to Nabal. The choice is yours.

But in order to operate in power and influence you must be in position. 

God has established order for our homes. He is the head of us all, and then our husbands are the head of homes. If we operate in this way, we will see the blessings and the benefits. The problem is that we don't like this, so we try to be the head of our homes, and God simply won't bless disorder. Look at what 1 Peter 3:1 says:

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.
-1 Peter 3:1

Being submissive to your husband is a topic that has gained a lot of controversy over the years. We have been taught that submission is like slavery, but it really isn't. We've been taught that submission means obedience, but it doesn't mean that either. Submission isn't about who is better or more powerful. It's not about who knows more or even who is right. Submission is about being in position. Submission means to get under and lift up. We must get under the mission of Christ, and lift it up. That also means getting in position with our husbands, and lifting them up. We should support them to reach their full potential.

Submission doesn't mean that we don't voice our opinions or disagree. Submission means that we don't undermine our husbands or try to take their place. There is a difference. We voice our opinions in an appropriate way, and we leave the results to God. We don't try to manipulate, convince, or force our husbands to do it our way. We don't try to make them be something that they are not.

We must get under God's mission so that we aren't blocking our husband's view of Christ. We get low - humble ourselves - so that our husbands see Christ in us very clearly. Then they will be drawn to Him...without a word from us! That's a promise from God. You don't have to argue, nag, or complain. Simply get in position and let the Holy Spirit do the heavy lifting!

Submission = protection. There is no safer place to be than in God's will, and it's His will for us to submit to our husbands. He isn't taking a vote, and there are no amendments to His word. Get in a position of safety and submission. Trust me, God will deal with your husband when he is not leading the way he should.

It is our husband's job to cover us, but they can't do it if we are out of position. Let him cover you - get in position!