Monday's Marriage Moment - A Distorted View in Marriage Can Divide

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?”
-Genesis 3:1

Have you ever been to a carnival? They are full of distractions, right? Things to catch your attention, and shift your focus from the path you were on: come over here and play this game, let me guess your weight, win this prize - it's easy. There is always some trick or gimmick that actually makes it harder and cost more than you thought. We can be pretty good at seeing the distraction, and even avoiding some of them, but what we have missed are the distortions. See, a distortion happens when things are twisted or pulled out of shape or misrepresented.

Like the mirrors in a "fun house". You've seen those? The mirrors are different from the ones that we have at our homes. They cause us to see ourselves as really thin or really fat; our features can be elongated or shrunken. The images they produce can be funny, but sometimes they are downright scary.

A distorted mirror causes you to see things differently than they really are, and while it's all fun and games at a carnival it is detrimental in marriage.

Want to know how this shows up in marriage?

• our perception gets distorted and we see things bigger than they are, worse than they are, harder than they are, etc.  
• the truth gets distorted, and we say things like:
• you "always" do that
• you "never" support me
• our vision gets distorted, and we forget why we entered marriage and what our goals are

All of these things cause division between us and our spouse which is exactly what the enemy wants.

He wants you to make sure that you can't see clearly. He is cunning and crafty, and he is going to introduce doubt and distortions. That's what he did to Eve in the garden. He questioned what she knew by distorting the truth of what God said: Did God really say that? 

He is going to try to do the same thing to you so that he can cause division in your marriage too. Don't allow him to distort the truth or your vision.

Yeah, distractions are deadly, but so are distortions. We have to start seeing things accurately. We must have clear vision in marriage. If you have been seeing things through one of those "fun house mirrors" today is a good day to refocus. Begin to see things as they really are, and look through the lens of God's word, not your emotions.

No more distortions!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Celebrate Along the Way!

Now it was told King David, saying, “The Lord has blessed the house of Obed-Edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God.” So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with gladness. And so it was, when those bearing the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, that he sacrificed oxen and fatted sheep. 
-2 Samuel 6:12-13

My family and I just got back from a road trip to the mountains. We had been excited about the trip for months, and we were up early on the first morning to begin our journey. We took multiple vehicles and we planned our six-hour trip with great care - restroom and food stops, the most efficient route, and how to arrange ourselves in the vehicles. As excited as we were to get there, we decided that we would take our time and enjoy each other and the trip along the way.

I'm glad that we did because I discovered driving up a mountain is not like driving in the coastal plain. There are lots of curves and winding roads, and as beautiful as the mountains are, there are some areas that are just downright frightening. As we were returning home from our wonderful trip I thought about how much this mountain trip was like marriage.

John and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage this week - 20 years! As excited as I was when we stood at the altar (I got up early that morning and thought about it for months as well), I wasn't prepared for the winding roads, cliffs, and frightening things I would face. It has been beautiful - just like those mountains - but there have been some places along the journey that made me nervous and unsure, but you know what? I'm glad that we took the time to enjoy the trip.

See, you can't wait until you arrive at a destination to get excited. You have to enjoy it along the way or you might lose hope. You have to capitalize on the great times and minimize the trying times. You have to stop every so often just to praise God and celebrate.

That's what David did on his way back into Jerusalem. The children of Israel had left the ark, which symbolized God's presence, at Obed-Edom's house. David hadn't followed God's instructions, and someone died along the way. So much had happened, but he was finally bringing the ark back. He was thankful that things were going back to the way God intended. So, as they brought the ark back to Jerusalem, David stopped after they had only gone six steps, some commentaries say every six paces, and celebrated what God was doing. He didn't wait until God had done it. He didn't wait until he made it back to Jerusalem. He celebrated along the way.

I encourage you to do the same. Don't wait until things are perfect or you feel that you have arrived. Find something to celebrate right now. Celebrate that you are growing. Celebrate that your marriage is better than it was last week, last month, or last year. Celebrate that you both are trying. The only way to eventually celebrate a milestone is to enjoy the trip. Celebrate the small steps so that one day you can celebrate a big one!

Monday's Marriage Moment - Is Your Love Conditional?

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
John 15:13

Have you put conditions on the love you have for your spouse? I know that's a pretty tough question to lead with, but I think it is an appropriate question. We have made it so easy to walk away from covenant based on conditions. It's become acceptable to end friendships, relationships, and even marriages when we feel that we aren't happy or "the season is over" - when our conditions are not met.

But here is the thing: God is not concerned about what is socially acceptable. He is not impressed by our deep, spiritual reasons for breaking covenant. He designed covenant to be forever. In biblical times, the two parties who were entering covenant would bring salt to pour into a bag. The only way that the covenant could be broken was if they could identify and separate their individual grains of salt. Sounds impossible, right? Exactly! Covenant was designed not to be broken.

Covenant was designed to be a display of real love. Real love isn't the stuff fairy tales and Disney movies are made of, and it's not just a song Mary J. Blige sang about in the 90s. Real love takes action and not just words.

Real love is with you in the good times and the bad times.

Real love is constant and consistent.

Real love is accompanied by feelings, but not based on feelings.

Real love helps and does not hurt.

Real love does what is right even when it doesn't feel right.

Jesus said that real love is sacrificial. That's what He did for us - He laid down His own life for the punishment that we deserved. We didn't deserve His love, but He gave it to us anyway.

I'm determined to display real love in my marriage and my relationships, and I hope that you are too. This week examine where you have put conditions on the love that you share and ask God to help you share His unconditional love instead.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Let's Start Over...AGAIN!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
-Isaiah 43:18-19

It's Monday, and someone somewhere is starting their new diet - AGAIN...starting to eating healthy - AGAIN...committing to work out more - AGAIN.

Is it you? Have you ever done that? Decide on Wednesday that you are going to start eating right on Monday?

I have. I've done it plenty of times. I've eaten like a crazy person all weekend long and committed to changing my diet on Monday more times than I can count. Somehow "Monday" is the universal day of fresh start.

Here is the thing. I don't have to wait until Monday. I can start the next moment, the next minute, or within the next hour. You can too.

What does this have to do with marriage? More than you think. Some of us feel that things have gotten so out of hand that we have to wait for conditions to be right to start over, work on our marriage, or make better choices:

• I'll wait until he apologizes
• I'll wait until he calls me
• I'll wait until he comes to his senses
• I'll wait until we have to talk about finances, children, etc.
• I'll wait until...

What we don't realize is that while we are waiting we are missing out on time to draw close. We are missing out on time that we could be living in peace instead of turmoil. We are putting off doing what we know is right because our pride is in the way or because it is going to take some effort.

Listen, friend, time is something that we don't have in abundance. You need to maximize every minute that you have.

You don't have time to wait until conditions are perfect. You don't have time to wait until the other person gets it right. Swallow your pride and do your part. Obey God, Sis. 

Your marriage may just need a fresh start, and as unfair as it may feel, it might just begin with you. Here is what I encourage you to do if you want a fresh start:

• Let the past be the past (I get it. It hurt. It was wrong. It wasn't fair, but if you want to move forward there are just some things you are going to have to release).
• Stop keeping score. When we keep score we expect our partners to work to make it even. Sometimes, though, we keep moving the bar. We want them to do more and more to "earn" our forgiveness or the right to start over. If you really want to start over, you can't keep score. You have to start with a clean slate.
• Do your part. It may seem unfair, but you have to do what God says do. He holds you accountable for your actions, not your husbands. Stop doing things that you know are wrong and expecting it to be ok. It's not. Get it together, Sis. Be the wife that God has called you to be.
• Love. Yep, just that one word makes a difference. Love your spouse like God loves you. His love doesn't have conditions or hoops for you to jump through, and He gives you a fresh start every day. Love your husband. Love him more than you want to get back at him. Love him more than you want him to hurt like you hurt. Love him more than you are upset with him. Just love the brother!

Start over, friend. After all...it's Monday!

Monday's Marriage Moment - An Ounce of Prevention

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
Ephesians 5:15-17 (NASB)

I had the privilege this weekend of hosting a retreat for a group of amazing wives. These ladies invested their time and resources into attending this weekend in order to strengthen their marriage and themselves. We had an amazing time, and I am truly thankful. Yet, I can not help the thought that I wish more people would invest in their marriage.

I think the problem is that we wait until we are faced with a challenge to seek help. We wait until we are caught off guard by an attack to try to get input from other wives or other resources. We wait until pain shows up on our doorstep, and, sometimes, that is too late.

Then it becomes overwhelming. Then it's hard to think rationally and make wise choices. Then it can feel hopeless.

The ladies who came on the retreat didn't come because their marriages were over. They came because they wanted to prevent that from happening. They came because they wanted to prioritize their marriages and their husbands. They came because they realize that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Consider this blog post as wisdom crying out. Invest in your marriage now. Make the most of your time. Operate in wisdom and put in the effort to protect your covenant.

Don't wait until trouble comes to your door. Don't be fooled into thinking that you don't need marital advice because you aren't having any issues. That's the very reason to seek marital advice - so that you will know how to handle them when they come. Get the tools you need now.

Study God's word about your role as a wife. Study His word about His expectations for marriage. Find godly leaders, join godly groups, or even find teachings that are sound. Do whatever you can to protect the covenant that you have been given. We would love for you to join us at Believing Wives, but we are more concerned that you get what you need than where you get it.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Pay Attention to Your Spouse!

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7:12

May I give you some practical advice today? Pay attention to your spouse. Please. It sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget, and it is a major tool that the enemy is using in his assault on marriages.

I talk to a lot of wives whose marriages are under attack. Most all of them will say that there were signs along the way and that they didn't pay attention to their spouse like they should have. I don't want that to be your story. So, pay attention.

We think that the biggest thing that ends a marriage is an affair, and maybe it is. But here is the truth - affairs don't happen over night. They happen in stages, and it typically starts with a husband or wife who feels that they are neglected. It doesn't excuse their behavior at all, but we are in denial if we act as if it is not a factor. Divorce happens because two people become disconnected, distracted, and discontent.

So, protect your union by paying attention to your spouse. It keeps your bond strong and your lines of communication clear. It makes it easier for you to see when things are not "ok" and work toward a solution. It gives us an opportunity to prevent division rather than have to try to recover.

Here are some practical ways to pay attention to your spouse:

• Listen to them - When they are talking to you give them your attention. Don't interrupt. Don't act like what they are saying is unimportant. Just listen...like you would want them to listen to you. If you will listen, you will hear them tell you they need your attention. You will hear them say they are dissatisfied with something or need your support in an area. Don't dismiss these moments of clarity. Perceive them as warnings and act accordingly.
• Put your phone down - don't try to divide your focus between social media and your spouse. Show them that they are more important than your timeline or newsfeed. 
• Greet them - when your spouse walks through the door greet them. Give them a hug, kiss, or simply "how was your day". Acknowledge their presence as important.
• Notice changes - give them complements. Notice their haircut or the fact that they are slimming down. Notice that they organized something or completed that project they've been working on for a while.
• Do something they like - get their favorite candy, cook their favorite meal, or go to their favorite place. Doing things they like reinforces that you know them and prioritize them. It won't kill you to watch one half of a basketball game or sit through that action movie. 

The point is that your spouse doesn't just want your attention. They need it, just like you need their attention. You want to feel loved. You want to feel important. So do they. Find ways this week to make sure that your spouse has your attention.

I've listed a few ways, but there are thousands more. Comment below ideas you have for giving your spouse well-deserved attention.

Monday's Marriage Moment - Girl, Get Back Up!

Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place.
2 Corinthians 2:14 (KJV)

Have you ever had something come out of nowhere and just knock the wind out of you? Have you ever been so blindsided by something that you didn't even know how to respond?

I have. A few weeks ago I encountered one of those "knock you to your knees" situations that you just don't see coming. I tried to make sense of it. I tried to figure out what I might have done to cause it or how I could have prevented it. I even tried to figure out why I didn't see it coming. Question after question came to my mind none of which I could answer.

I was hurt, and I was confused. I couldn't think clearly, so I called John to process it. One thing he said to me stood out, "This isn't about you".

That sentence brought clarity to me. The situation wasn't one that I had caused because you know what? People have free will. I couldn't have prevented it because once again people have free will. I was not the victim, and I couldn't approach it from that lens.

It knocked me down, but I didn't have to stay there.

You don't either.

Sickness, financial difficulty, family problems, issues with our children...all of those can knock us to our knees. They are hard blows, but they are not strong enough to keep us down.

Don't let false responsibility hold you captive.
Don't let shame keep you in bondage.
Don't let guilt and condemnation keep you stuck.

Girl, get back up.

We have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of us. He always causes us to triumph! That means we win! We may have some battle scars, but we are far from defeated. God's got this. I have no idea how He is going to work it out, but I know that He IS going to work it out.

He is the only one who can. Trust Him. Trust Him with your children. Trust Him with your husband. Trust Him with your friendships. Trust Him with everything. Then take one step off the floor.

Get up, Sis. Get up! There are a great many wives who are cheering for you. Girl, get back up!